Relationship How Do You Trust Them?

[Hojay]

Here is something I've been thinking a lot about. Keep in mind that this question stems from trust issues on my part as well as just a bit of common relationship sense:

As much research as we can do as supporters, of course, we will never fully "know" the depths and horrors of panic attacks and flashbacks (or PTSD as a whole.) We have nothing but blind trust and faith to go on when sufferers act out, isolate, etc. that they really have no control over themselves. It seems that a lot of the behavior displayed would be an immediate no-go in a "normal" relationship, but here we are often asked to shut off everything we've learned about "untrustworthy" or out of line behavior and find a new way to deal. Being able to do that means we have to trust them completely. So:

How do you trust that they are "just" isolating/triggered not creating distance because there might be someone else? (People retreating and/or getting ticked off by "minor" things being signs of trouble in the relationship.)
How do you trust that their acting out is "just" a triggered situation and not a sign of dwindling respect and/or guilt about something they are hiding? (Deflection and anger being two telltale signs of lying.)
How do you trust they don't sometimes use their symptoms as an excuse to exert control over you and the relationship?

The symptoms of PTSD and dishonesty are sometimes so blurred...it's really bending my mind.

There are no easy answers to these questions, and/or maybe there aren't any at all. But maybe some of you have thought about this aspect and have something to share?

 

[Muted]

I think those are all great and valid questions @Hojay . From a sufferer's standpoint, I can understand how difficult it would be for my supporter to have that blind trust and faith. I thinks sometimes it easier than other times. I think it's harder especially when my protector parts are on guard.

I think the more the sufferer can communicate with the supporter during the nontriggered times, the better feel and understanding the supporter will have of the situations that arise during the stressful time periods. Especially through deeper more meaningful discussions.

I also think a supporter needs their own outside support, because I think it's important they are practicing self-care and keeping a certain amount of objectivity on their relationship and behavior of the sufferer.

 

[Aalexya]

Here is something I've been thinking a lot about. Keep in mind that this question stems from trust issues...

You have reached into my brain and spoken exactly what has been on my mind for a couple weeks now, in every sense. Ty for asking this!

 

[Buttercup]

Here is something I've been thinking a lot about. Keep in mind that this question stems from trust issues...

I was literally having these very thoughts (fears) last night. It is very hard not to let our minds run away with us.

Thank you @Gia1019 for giving insight and tips. Communication during good periods would definitely help me!

 

[ConcreteRose]

You have reached into my brain and spoken exactly what has been on my mind for a couple weeks now, in e...

Ditto

 

[Hojay]

I'm not sure if I should be happy or sad that so many of you feel the same way. It's not a good place to be in, but it sure helps to know I'm not totally on my own here!

Thank you @Gia1019 for your helpful insight. It's true, non-triggered, calm conversations should help build a good basis of trust. It does to some extent. There are so many moments though when I have to swallow what my gut is telling me (when he flies off the handle for "nothing" or starts deflecting) and just blindly have to trust what he is saying (he is triggered, these are just panic attacks etc.) I don't want to question his honesty when he is triggered, that would be so damaging to him. But I am having a hard time getting those feeling resolved.

When I try to talk to him about it he gets pretty miffed. And again I wonder - rightfully so because he feels misunderstood...or is it a deflection because I might be onto him? My mind really can run amok sometimes...

 

[Buttercup]

@Hojay again, same!

My vet gets miffed too when I try to bring it up. I have thought that maybe it's because he feels he's being criticized. Like I'm telling him he's flawed and damaged.

But then I don't know! Maybe he doesn't even know. I get the deflection a lot. Is that PTSD? In what way?

 

[Hojay]

I get the deflection a lot. Is that PTSD? In what way?

Yeah, that confusion resonates. I think deflection can be PTSD when things are touched upon that are too triggering and upsetting. Maybe it's easier sometimes to divert the conversation somewhere else, subconsciously. Which, I guess, is the same reason people do it when they are lying. Albeit more consciously (or maybe not?) so it's very hard to keep apart...what's PTSD, would could be dishonesty?

 

[TheMinsterman]

Simple answer?

You can't.

Because isolation and removal of normal communication channels is such a fundamental element of many coping mechanisms you're going to be left filling in the blanks, unfortunately. The more communication is cut off the more you're mind is going to run away with itself, unfortunately. You have to decide to either trust them and accept PTSD alters behaviour or accept you're not able to work in a relationship like this.

 

[Muted]

I think deflection is used in different ways by different people. I haven't ever read, that I can recall it being a PTSD symptom, but I don't know that as a fact.

Deflection can be abusive in the form of aggressively attacking someone. Depending on how extreme, it seems like it could be a trait of someone that is narcassistic.

I think deflected could also be a person's way of avoiding topics whether they're uncomfortable or hiding something or even lying.

I also think sometimes it's completely ADD or just in general an avoidance (consciously or subconsciously).

I know I deflect onto other topics when I forget what my point was and also on purpose when I don't want to talk to my t about stuff.

 

[Buttercup]

What about deflection in the former of making the other person to blame (me) and not taking responsibility for reasons of isolation? Or is there a different term for this?

 

[TheMinsterman]

What about deflection in the former of making the other person to blame (me) and not taking responsibility...

I got blamed for absolutely everything, I'm convinced it was because I was a safe target who wouldn't hurt them in retaliation.