How do you work on (non-sexual) intimacy issues?

[Suzetig]

Instead of thinking about working on trauma, working on intimacy etc I wonder if it would help to think about just being in a relationship with your therapist and what comes up comes up? That you commit to being as open and honest and present as you can be session to session.

My sense is that your waiting for "the thing", like there's a moment in time that you'll start to do particular work on a particular deeper issue and that that work will somehow look and feel different to what you're doing now.

It sounds like you're already working on intimacy, already working on trauma and deeper stuff, i.e. what you're working on now is more deep and the relationship closer than it was 6 months ago. My experience is that the relationship has deepened slowly, over time and I've been able to address my trauma more deeply over time - kind of like a spiral where we might have talked about a part of my train half a dozen times over the course or therapy but each time it's been more intimate or deeper than before. Because it's been a gradual process I've not been overwhelmed so I don't *see* it deepening and I don't feel retraumatised but I can see that we're talking now in a way that wouldn't have been possible and my feelings about my trauma have totally changed.

It sounds like you're waiting for a train to hit you when it may not be like that.

 

[kilted]

I've found my ability to be intimate has changed. Because of my upbringing one problem was that I found I didn't have any sense of what intimacy could be. It's not something that one can talk or read about, it has to be experienced with another.

Conventional therapy has been important in the process of change, but I feel it wasn't the catalyst. That came from going beyond words.... using dance, particularly contact improvisation and intense residential relational bodywork workshops.

I found the tools I learned in therapy, such as Gestalt's "Cycle of Awareness" and Transactional Analysis' Time Structuring and Discounting very useful in helping me to challenge myself to become more experimental and vulnerable as I entered increasingly intense relational spaces in workshops. This allows me to move into what Buber calls I-Thou "contact" with others and also break contact and withdraw appropriately. It is this withdrawing part that often causes problems.... people are afraid to move into intimacy because it will end, or are unable to handle the ending process and hold on too long, which affects the memories of the intimacy that went before.

I've found that therapists who trained in the experimental humanistic therapies around the 60's, who are now in their 70's went through a different training process that made a big difference in how they approached intimacy in the therapeutic space. This process was heavily around personal development and experimenting with intimacy. This meant they were able to guide me effectively and help me understand and process the often uncomfortable emotions I experienced.

Unfortunately this mode of training has been lost and most therapists don't push their personal boundaries in a way that enables them to help their clients toward experiencing Buber's I-Thou "contact" with another person.... because it's not part (and never can be part) of a taught "curriculum". Buber contrasted I=Thou contact with I-It contact, which is what people experience in everyday life, including in their intimate relationships.

It's a difficult process.... being vulnerable, and open to being impacted by another, while also being true to oneself and maintaining appropriate boundaries.

 

[barefoot]

I wonder if it would help to think about just being in a relationship with your therapist

Mmm...my therapist has said this in a few sessions...that we just (!) need to focus on me being able to stay in the room with her (including not dissociating) and me being and staying in relationship with her.

I can be in relationship with her for chit chatty stuff. But when we dive deeper into feeling territory I have tended to dissociate, shut down or - if I have managed to stay present - I can get quite defensive, pissy and feisty with her. Nice!

My sense is that your waiting for "the thing", like there's a moment in time that you'll start to do particular work on a particular deeper issue and that that work will somehow look and feel different to what you're doing now.

It sounds like you're waiting for a train to hit you when it may not be like that.

I think perhaps I have ended up really compartmentalising bits of the work because, about nine months ago, my dissociation had got so bad in session and was having such a serious impact on my day-to-day as it was practically writing off the whole rest of my week that, in the end, my therapist said that she didn't think doing the deeper work was in service to me and that my resistance hadn't softened at all so it was time for us to really listen to, respect and accept "the no." And that was very disappointing and I felt very despondent about it.

Now, things have moved on and some things have shifted and I'm not dissociating (I've honestly no idea how long that will last!) so we both agree that there's trauma-related stuff that has recently been triggered that we can now work on. So then that felt good - "great, we can now make a start on that as it's now back on the table!"

So, you're right - it does all feel very separated out and maybe that's become a bit of a hindrance in how I'm trying to approach things.

 

[barefoot]

@kilted Interesting what you say there about the withdrawal/ending aspect of intimacy.
I'll look up some of those models/theories you've mentioned.

 

[Suzetig]

There's a therapist who has written really well about trauma and the therapeutic relationship. In fact if you look on Amazon for Trauma and the Therapeutic Relationship by David Murphy he has a chapter which addresses (from a therapists perspective) what you're describing happens in your T relationship and how to work with that. It helped give me a sense that my therapy was progressing even when it felt a bit stuck.

 

[barefoot]

Thanks @Suzetig - I'll check out that book.

 

[Deleted member 42665]

Wow this is a highly relatable post for me, I actually mentioned to my T via email on Friday after our session that I really wanna work on this issue. For me, right now, I am going through a tough time and its hitting me how alone I feel because I've pushed everyone away.

I have a best friend but I would not even say I have an emotional closeness to her. Our friendship is mostly text based though so that might be why. I am starting to feel a bond/closeness to my therapist though and its terrifying me, I am trying to think of anything I can to push him away but not quit. I am scared to get close knowing one day he will leave me. AHHH

This is tough, no good advice, just letting you know, I feel you. You are not alone :(

 

[Theabea Palmette]

@Suzetig Yes, I suppose when I think about it, we are having conversations now that...

It's a cycle: talk more, become more intimate, become more intimate, talk more. You can't tell which really comes first. You have to go in wherever your self grants you an entry.

 

[Deleted member 42665]

I struggle with this issue too and he knows it. I kept trying to fight getting close to him and trusting him but none the less it happened.... now I am scared though and its very anxiety causing at times. He has hugged me once and wants to start doing it to end each session because I struggle with that and its helpful to have someone I trust with that I guess.

Not sure on the rest.... I think I may be in therapy the longest for this very issue, I am not sure how I can trust or open up to anyone else.... its too scary for me. I can't even date, the idea of possibly touching hands etc sends me almost into a panic

 

[Suzetig]

He has hugged me once and wants to start doing it to end each session because I struggle with that and its helpful to have someone I trust with that I guess.

I'd be setting a very clear boundary on that to be honest, if there's any physical contact in therapy it should be driven by the client - if you don't want to hug, that's absolutely fine. It's not part of therapy, you're not deficient in some way and your T should respect your wishes. If your T starts making it a treatment goal or telling you you need to hug him to be healed, I'd start running!

 

[Deleted member 42665]

I'd be setting a very clear boundary on that to be honest, if there's any physical contact in therapy i...

nope it was an agreed on thing, he didn't push me at all

 

[Suzetig]

Sorry, it was your comment that he hugged you once and wants to start doing it at the end of every session - it sounds like he's driving wanting to hug at the end of every session - which isn't ok.