How Does A Parent's PTSD Affect Their Children?

[strugglingdad]

I ask myself that constantly. I so don't want it to effect my children in a negative way. I know it has and that tears me up. Since getting sober and going for help I think I am getting better about considering the consequences of my actions before I do something. Not always, but most times. I am reading a book right now that says trauma takes three generations to heal. Basically says first generations has the trauma, second suffers consequences, third deals well. At least that's how I understood it. Knowing that my dad also suffered, I am going to skip a generation and not let my kids suffer. I have to. I can't imagine them having to live as I did..

 

[Blues in NYC]

A large part of my trauma comes from growing up in a house with undiagnosed cPTSD. Probably not the answer parents here want to read.

Between witnessing suicide attempts, self harming incidents, having our mother run away for long stretches, being berated with her disaster fantasies, shamed publicly when she was raging and dissociating into someone else nasty, my sister and I became convinced we were perhaps the worst children in the world. My mother would even tell us stuff like that sometimes in her fits. But just by comparing notes to other households, we knew something was different. Other kids didn't "drive" their parents to such fits of crazy. So we blamed ourselves and did what we could to take care of each other, disciplined each other into not upsetting mom again, and did our best to repress any emotions that might start triggering her.

The result? Two pretty screwed up adults.

My father was absent through most of this. Not divorced. Not sleeping around. But being a workaholic. I have no idea why. If it was just a reality of his job. Or if he wasn't sure this was the life he wanted. Or if he loved his family but had to get away. Or if he's afflicted with mild asperger's or something. But he's always been emotionally unavailable. But since his job eventually afforded a little bit more than a middle class income, he made up for being away by overcompensating with lots of material goods. This just made my sister and I feel bribed, on the hook, and further stigmatized us amongst our peers.

I can't speak for my sister, but growing up one constant unfulfilled desire I had was to simply be normal and fit in.

If you are a parent with PTSD and children who are still developing, please please seek some advice as to how you can alleviate any guilt your kids may stumble into that they somehow are the cause of your pain and craziness. But don't overcompensate by spoiling them either.

Giving them access to therapy should help. Letting them know that it is a special relationship with their doctor and they can talk to the doctor about ANYTHING. Give them open permission. When my mother found out during high school that I'd gone to a councelor at one point to speak with them once a week, she got very angry and forbade me from talking about any of "her stuff" because I had no right to talk about that. I felt so horrible that I never went back after that.

Also, they hid the fact that my grandmother was not my biological grandmother, but an evil step mother who horrible abused my mom from about age 5 going forward. It wasn't until I was in my early 20's that I finally learned that my grandmother wasn't biologically related to me. Then another two to three years that I started to get the idea she did some really bad things to her children and her one step daughter, my mother.

Nobody ever told me it wasn't my fault. In fact my father did the opposite the few times I did explode with rage and threatened to hospitalize me. He ALWAYS defended my mother and came down hard, cold and stern on me. This simply reinforced my sense that I had done something horribly horribly wrong growing up. This dynamic was already in full effect by the time I was six and persisted full blast till I was 19.

Sorry for any punctuation, grammatical or whatever errors. This post is pretty close to the bone and I need to step away. Not really in the mood to reread and edit for clarity. And sorry to bring such grim news to the parents who asked. :(

 

[SunnyBrookFarm]

My C-PTSD was not diagnosed until this year. I have a 18 yr old son and a 21 yr old daughter. I have thought hard about this question - and it's difficult to reflect on.

I think (hope) that for most of their childhood my symptoms were "minor" - I do know I had periods of self-medicating (alcohol) and I'm sure that in ways that made me neglectful.

Now, I often wonder how much I passed down to my daughter - she's had anxiety issues since she was 12 and then developed PTSD when her bio-father died when she was 17. Being that there is mental illness wrapped entirely throughout our family tree - it's hard to say.

My son........there is a distance between us. One I didn't realize until recently and it makes me sad. I think I wasn't capable to seperate his gender from himself and therefore probably wasn't as affectionate with him as I should have been.

My children are fully aware of what is going on with me now (but again they are both adults), and I try to be as honest as possible and to explain why the "issues" they have seen in periods of time happened. I have also apologized for the barrier I had around myself.

My daughter gets it (it helps that she's been there) and we can joke about (we call it Hurricane Crazy coming to town - for both of us...). But my son.........yeah I just don't know and I don't really know how to make it better at this point.

I know that as a child who grew up with a mother that was severely mentally ill, the damage it can do, I do find myself fortunate that I didn't completely go over the edge before they were older.

I wish I had known along time ago what was wrong with me and that it wasn't just that I was going "crazy" like my mom. But, it can't be changed and I am glad that I didn't repeat the abuse and the LEVEL of neglect that my brother and I had to deal with - but yes, I do think it had an effect on my children.

 

[dust]

I'm pretty sure that my Mum had PTSD - she was the only carer and had a break-down when I was 6. The result was emotional, physical abuse and neglect. She also did not protect her children from predators, because she was dealing with her own PTSD. Shame is that they generally medicated in those days rather than gave therapeutic support - that would have made my life entirely different!

dust

 

[yupyup]

I am so relieved to find this forum. My mother has ptsd from sexual trauma, and it has certainly affected my family's life as long as our family has existed. I identify so much with the feeling of being horrible and bad as a child, which would only even out by the occasional thought that maybe she was just mentally ill (as a child I had no idea of the extent of her trauma).
Though all of this came to light several years ago, there are still situations that occur which create the same obstacles in communication. I hate to say this, but creating a healthy relationship is a constant undertaking even after the truth comes out.
My mom is hurt because of the way I interact with friends of mine who share a similar trauma to hers. She feels let down when I don't treat them the way she wants to be treated (with brutal honesty and strength). I have chosen not to do this because my friend is currently shut off from what happened between her and her assailant (a close relation of hers).
This has brought us to a common argument. I feel sorry that she is so deeply hurt, but I cannot/will not treat the situation with my friend the same way that I interact with her. This brings up past situations where I have disappointed her, and her hurt is so deep I cannot tell her my thought process without it being taken as a defense, leaving my only option as absolute contrition.
It seems in these moments like the only thing to do is accept all blame, and apologize even for choices that I don't believe are wrong. It's painful.

My point is this: her ptsd absolutely has had an effect on my childhood and upbringing. I feel torn between wanting to support her however she wants and frustration from the self-denial that creates. Any advice would be deeply welcomed.

 

[Hen]

Thank you for posting this, I need to think about it but I am going to talk to my 16 year old later as I have always skirted around the issue. I think it will be ok as she often tells me I am the best mum she could ever want and her friends love me, and she still enjoys spending time with me, she even now she is in the 6th form asks why can't I be a stay at home mum again as se used to love the after school time we used to have - I must not shy awy from it, I need to address it but as i said I think and hope I haven't done to much damage. She has also had a stable dad the whole way through. I know it will have been my drinking that she didn't like when I was in the depths (I used to binge some nights to block out thoughts).

My older daughter has aspergers so was at a residential special needs school for most of her schooling and I have a good relationship with her, not sure if she would get what I was asking if I broached it with her.

 

[Hen]

What I forgot to add to my post was that my children know about my abused past and what my father and step mum did to me. I said right from the start when I had kids that there was no way in the world I was going to bring my kids up to know anything other than safety and love and I told them when they were old enough what happened to me. I have been open about why I got upset/drank and they knew it wasn't them. I think telling them as much truth as you can manage would help a child understand and cope, of course being age appropriate to the child.

 

[sidekick]

I grew up with two parents who had ptsd. In those days (43 years ago) *things like that* were not discussed. Mental health issues run severely on both sides. My mother was crazy/a monster. Thats how we saw her as a child with her severe mood swings and violence/love in a split second. All five of us kids have (I am the only one who can say had to some of the issues as I don't have substance issues any more) drug/drinking/jail and ptsd ourselves. Of course we also were all sexually abused. So I think it is a combination of living with both?

I am the only sibling to has gotton help. No one else has acknowledged a problem or seeked treatment. I started treatment when I was pregnant with my first child because I refused to be like my parents and there just had to be a different way to parent.

Unfortunatly, I chose fathers for my children had issues of there own (big surprise there?) and left/divorced when all were either prior to being born or toddlers.

That being said, 3 out of my 4 children have the genes from both parents who also have mental illnesses. So they have higher odds.

Even with years and years of off and on therapy, yes ptsd does affect children. I can't imagine how my children's lives would have been had I not had therapy..I think how hard it was. How many time I "snapped", lost my temper for a second before realizing I was yelling. How many times I had to tell them they were in my space, or too loud, or to don't touch my face, or don't grab my neck or don't sneak up on me or dont and the list goes on....

But I can also recall all the times I hugged my children and was able to sit and play with them and snuggle with them and laugh with them and cry with them. I never had that with my parents. I never "lost" it and beat them or called them names. I gave them coping skills that were given to me and parented them differently when ptsd wasn't ruling my life.

They have all (except for the youngest who is 3) been in therapy on a few occasions to help them deal with the issues that came up with living with a ptsd mom and abusive fathers.

Not easy, but I do believe that the more honest and open the parent is that the easiaer it is for the child. Some others have mentioned some wonderful things to also help children cope/deal. Sometimes its hard to tell what is from having a parent who has ptsd and what is genetic.

This was an awesome question..

 

[This Ends Now]

My Two Cents

Dragonfly,

Great topic, and one that far too often gets brushed under the rug!

My father had PTSD from being abused as a child and serving 2 tours in the Army Infantry during Vietnam. He refused to get help for fear it would hurt his future job opportunities and make him look weak. He self-medicated with alcohol, and was abusive in more ways than one.

My mother is currently on disability for PTSD resulting from domestic violence and some child abuse. She was hospitalized several times. She lost control a lot, and was unable to care for us many times... which resulted in visits from HRS... and me lying to cover for her.

They divorced shortly before my 8th birthday, and it was most likely for the best. Its better for me not to think about what might have happened if they had stayed together.

My uncle took an active father figure role after my parents divorced, but he also had PTSD from being drafted into Vietnam and being sexually abused as a child. He also refused treatment and self medicated with alcohol.

All this (and the direct abuse and neglect we suffered) had a very big impact on my brother and me. I now have PTSD as a result. None of it was easy from my end, and I often blamed myself. I did the best I could to try to protect my younger brother, but it was not enough.

I do know that things were easier on us kids when mommy took her medicine. A LOT easier!!! It also helped that mom admitted she had a problem, actively sought help, and did the best she could during her moments of sanity. She did her best to break the "generational curse" and I admire her strength and the love she showed us as often as she was able.

My dad and my uncle were in complete denial and that made things harder. They also drank quite a bit and that made things down right dangerous. Many times they were angry and I was terrified for my life, the lives of my family and friends, and even their lives. I think things would have been better for all of us if they had gotten treatment, but it is not my place to judge and I do not have all the answers. I know they went through hell trying to serve and protect my country, and I do not blame them, I just cannot be around either of them for my own safety.

If you are here and getting help and trying to stop the cycle, then you are going good in my opinion. Keep up the good work and it will pay off in the end. Getting therapy for your kids is a great idea (I started therapy when I was 8 or 9 years old, and was first diagnosed about that same time). As a result, the insanity still exists, but to a MUCH lesser degree. Hopefully if I have kids, I will follow my mother's example (the good parts) and do my best to stop the cycle of abuse. I will take my medication on time as prescribed, continue therapy, and let my kids know it is not their fault. Maybe the next generation will not develop PTSD, but I will be watching for the signs, and guide them towards treatment if necessary.

I currently do not have any children of my own (and my life partner does not have custody or visitation rights with his daughter... but that's a different story) so I cannot be sure of how well I would handle things. I know that parenting is never easy, and all parents will make some mistakes. Doing your best is all you can do, and if you are reading this thread, odds are you are trying your heart out. Your kids will see this and eventually they will understand.

I wish you all the best,

Liz H.