Iron_Angel
Silver Member
Paradoxes! Shows how confused I am right now, lol. Hugs to Junebug, I appreciate your comments.
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How Does An Intimate Relationship Work For Someone With Ptsd?
- Post starter Lonelyone
- Start date
- Status
I think Iron Angel your fears are your friend's fears. I could be wrong, but in this case I really don't think it's personal, not at-all something that would reflect your relationship long term- 'long term' being even more than how you (both) would be relating a few days from now.
I do understand how also it would feel like a slap in the face- your friend saying 'no one' will help him (even more than no help is 'possible')- means it is up to him to realize the former is untrue/ kick his rear. However if he is prone to SI 'telling you off' is a 'good' precursor, to make you go away first. However, he sounds frustrated more than anything, and I hope he will apologize for what it sounds like even he doesn't believe, and that you'll both end up closer for it. If he did, and you choose to forgive him, then it might be a good time for him to focus on what he can/ can't change and to be grateful for what is good (you, and your help- the fact that you would care to help is more important than how 'successful' you are in helping him get justice, etc).
I do understand how also it would feel like a slap in the face- your friend saying 'no one' will help him (even more than no help is 'possible')- means it is up to him to realize the former is untrue/ kick his rear. However if he is prone to SI 'telling you off' is a 'good' precursor, to make you go away first. However, he sounds frustrated more than anything, and I hope he will apologize for what it sounds like even he doesn't believe, and that you'll both end up closer for it. If he did, and you choose to forgive him, then it might be a good time for him to focus on what he can/ can't change and to be grateful for what is good (you, and your help- the fact that you would care to help is more important than how 'successful' you are in helping him get justice, etc).
ISupportHer
Diamond Member
OK, I admit I have not read all of this thread yet but I just had this "knee jerk" reaction to the phrase that you think you are to blame. I react because my wife says to me "I am sorry I put you through hell"
Lonelyone, I admit that I don't know your situation. Maybe someone already said this to you in a post above. My "opinion" is that if anything is to blame, it's the PTSD and an abuser, if that is the situation. At the very most, sometimes any of us can share responsability if we know we should be doing something different and blatantly disregard what we know is right in our hearts. I don't know you well enough to say is that is true or not but that is a big difference from taking blame for something that is not your fault.
Sorry if I am off base here. I know my comments don't directly address the main theme of intimacy.
ISH
Lonelyone, I admit that I don't know your situation. Maybe someone already said this to you in a post above. My "opinion" is that if anything is to blame, it's the PTSD and an abuser, if that is the situation. At the very most, sometimes any of us can share responsability if we know we should be doing something different and blatantly disregard what we know is right in our hearts. I don't know you well enough to say is that is true or not but that is a big difference from taking blame for something that is not your fault.
Sorry if I am off base here. I know my comments don't directly address the main theme of intimacy.
ISH
Iron_Angel
Silver Member
Hugs to Junebug, I did read it twice just in case the server was telling me something, lol.
You touched on a couple of good points, and that is regarding it being frustrating for him, which it certainly is, and that it shows I care and am willing/trying to help, even if I'm not that successful.
I can see how it's just grinding him down day after day, even though I don't see him every day, but I can pick it up from his e-mails. He's been living with this for more than 20 years now and he's worn out in every way possible. The fact that I represented some hope but nothing concrete has happened is no doubt disappointing. I realize that, but there's not much I can do other than to keep trying.
I think the pushing away is classic PTSD. I've done it myself, when I was suffering it more than I currently am, and I can see him doing it now. The one thing I've told him is that he can push all he wants, I'm not abandoning him. No matter how "unlovable" he might be acting, I'm going to chalk it up to the PTSD and remember there's a wonderful man under there somewhere. That's what I would want someone to do for me.
If love is supposed to be "unconditional" it means we love the other person no matter what conditions are operating for them at the time. We love their inner core, their spirit, their mind, their soul, not just their physical appearance or their ability to tell funny jokes. We do love them "for better or worse", and even though PTSD is pretty good at showing us the worst, we know that they are not defined by their disorder.
Granted, as much as we love them, sometimes it's just not the right thing to be around them. That's the hardest part of all -- knowing when to put some distance between you.
You touched on a couple of good points, and that is regarding it being frustrating for him, which it certainly is, and that it shows I care and am willing/trying to help, even if I'm not that successful.
I can see how it's just grinding him down day after day, even though I don't see him every day, but I can pick it up from his e-mails. He's been living with this for more than 20 years now and he's worn out in every way possible. The fact that I represented some hope but nothing concrete has happened is no doubt disappointing. I realize that, but there's not much I can do other than to keep trying.
I think the pushing away is classic PTSD. I've done it myself, when I was suffering it more than I currently am, and I can see him doing it now. The one thing I've told him is that he can push all he wants, I'm not abandoning him. No matter how "unlovable" he might be acting, I'm going to chalk it up to the PTSD and remember there's a wonderful man under there somewhere. That's what I would want someone to do for me.
If love is supposed to be "unconditional" it means we love the other person no matter what conditions are operating for them at the time. We love their inner core, their spirit, their mind, their soul, not just their physical appearance or their ability to tell funny jokes. We do love them "for better or worse", and even though PTSD is pretty good at showing us the worst, we know that they are not defined by their disorder.
Granted, as much as we love them, sometimes it's just not the right thing to be around them. That's the hardest part of all -- knowing when to put some distance between you.
blueangel371115
Platinum Member
I totally agree. I'm the sufferer and I know sometimes I am a pain in the you-know-what but everyone has a breaking point and I respect that. I'd want everyone involved with me to take care of themselves too. Everyone needs a break now and then but that doesn't mean you don't care or that you are a bad person.
Just over four years ago I had a best freind that loved me. I knew he wanted to take our relationship a further step but I was a mess. He respected that and never pushed. I moved here for help. Now we are rekindliing our freindship as a romance. He's going to come here and visit, I'm going to go there. We are discussing living together. I have never been physically intimate with him, but have had real intimacy from day one with him. Healthy intimate relationships are possible if WE are in a healthy place with ourselves. My relationship started out as a freindship and it's taken time, patience and work to get to the point where being with him is possible.
If you had have asked me if this was possible four years ago I would have flat out said no. Have faithe Lonely and work on getting yourself healthy and everything else will fall into place.
bec
If you had have asked me if this was possible four years ago I would have flat out said no. Have faithe Lonely and work on getting yourself healthy and everything else will fall into place.
bec
- Moderator
- #20
Nicolette
Supporter Admin
That is absolutely awesome news Bec. I am so happy for you. What progress you have made and what smart decisions too. Wow! I'm so happy for both of you.
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