How Does Memory Work?

[anthony]

The outcome you desired was achieved, so yes, well done. Sure, we all go through tough times helping others... and that is what you have done. So in your case, now you have done your part and your sister is being helped, I would seriously take that time and get your own life back under control quick smart to stop the flood of memories or symptoms upon you.

We all make sacrifices in life at times... so see it as that. But that seems to answer your initial issue...

People often think there going backwards, or PTSD is kicking their arse for no reason, etc... when if you ask what is going on within their present, that often the answers are present due to some type of stressful event. Stress is anxiety, anxiety causes heightened symptoms, heightened symptoms cause PTSD to expand in your internal stress cup, now you have less / no room to cope with any stress thus symptoms overflow and you breakdown.

I think once you get yourself back under control and managed again, you can certainly discuss things with your sister, but you really do need to manage your contact and discussion types. Its one thing to go have a coffee and chat, its another to get deeply involved within negative emotions. Once, no worries, twice... it will impact you to begin to worry, constant daily / near daily, it will take you down.

 

[Powder]

I think my topic is along similar lines with sisters and triggers. Since I have had flashbacks and confronted my father with the abuse, that I believe happened to her, too, she has attacked me verbally. Now, I came home and found a box on my doorstep from her with a card. In in, she apologized but said she felt the need "to defend" our parents. This incident, along with upcoming wedding and shower invitations involving a cousin, has led to my having constant nightmares involving my family.

Though the dreams vary, the theme is pretty much the same, that any invitations or "kind overtures" from family is a trap, and that my father is using them to hurt me. I know that this is a literally possibility, but more likely, it's just normal behavior on their part and my trauma is what is driving all the nightmares.

Nonetheless, I cannot entertain the idea of seeing any family members, even cousins on my mom's side. Just the thought of my childhood or family makes me feel physically ill and my anxiety goes up and intrusive thoughts start.

I don't know if this is a reaction that is normal for the stage of processing CSA that I am in, but for me, it is. Also, I feel guilty about not being a part of my cousins' lives any more, although that part/role was minimal, seeing them every couple years at weddings and such. We don't have a meaning-filled relationship. But I'mself-isolating at this stage and feeling sick about all of it. I don't feel ready or willing to do the "family" thing at this stage, nor does my Therapist think I should. She thinks it will take some time, like a year or more.

Does this mesh up with others? Some have talked about trying to deal with stuff too hard and fast, and being retraumatized. Is that true, and is it wise to err on the side of just avoidance until you're ready?

Thank you for your input. Being at a point in the PTSD healing process in which you can only take so much determines what is wise or foolish that is going to look different for someone who has worked through their anxiety and triggers to a good degree and has gained a lot of their strength back.

Muse

 

[jadebear]

I would seriously take that time and get your own life back under control quick smart to stop the flood of memories or symptoms upon you.

My sister is doing pretty good now. She's had her medication changed and is stable.

I thought once she was ok, I would just go back to being ok too. Instead, it was like once I was I was able to let up on all the stress and worry about her, all my symptoms came back in full force. I've had almost constant anxiety, have been physically ill and even having problems with anorexia again. So much that I've had to miss work.

I know I said it was worth it, which it was, since she finally is getting help. But man....I didn't realize how much of a toll it would take on me.

So now I'm working on getting myself back together. Hopefully it won't take a long time.

I will remember this next time:

Stress is anxiety, anxiety causes heightened symptoms, heightened symptoms cause PTSD to expand in your internal stress cup, now you have less / no room to cope with any stress thus symptoms overflow and you breakdown

 

[Marie]

Maybe someone without any knowledge of PTSD, or trauma, might think that. But this forum is a safe place to discuss such issues. You are far more likely to have people here saying they can relate to that, than think you are crazy.

Don't try to second guess how you think people here will react. If we worry about that, I don't think anyone would post anything!

And for the record, I don't think you are crazy or psychotic :)

I understand you all to well. I have lost very close friends because I don't recall things - they think I am crazy. My therapist said I have had so much trauma that my brain keeps shutting down when I get upset or hurt. It can't take anymore. I understand - and from what I've seen in my few hours on here - you aren't alone and finally - neither am I. So we can be "not alone" together. :)

 

[Powder]

Jadebear, I think your difficultly after being strong for your sister is something that I would struggle through also. Don't beat yourself up for any of it. You made a choice to be there for someone that was stressful and triggering, and you are going through some stuff as a result, but it was your choice and maybe could help someone else. Just remember, to make the world a better place, start by making it better for yourself. That's what I have to keep reminding myself. This should be a PTSD mantra.

 

[Lionheart]

Jadebear,

My experience has been that my memories were fragmented into body memories, emotional memories, visual memories etc. and that as I healed they came together, so that I had visuals with physical and emotional elements attached to them. Sadly enough, I have found that I still carry body memories, visual memories and emotional ones that are separate from each other. I don't know if they will all fit back together or not or if they will stand as a testament to the fact that I am a survivor and remain fragmented. Maybe Anthony is the best person to ask. I will be interested to know more about how memories work to help us heal.

wishing you the best,
LH

 

[jadebear]

What do you do with a partial memory that you've had pretty much your entire life? One that you can't let go of or forget about, yet one that you try so hard to not think about?

I'm asking because I have one like that. It pops in my mind at least once a day. It always has.

I'm standing in my bedroom, there's someone on my bed holding a long, shiny piece of metal. That's it. That's all I remember. But then after the memory, I get the most excruciating pain. Sometimes the pain lasts a few seconds, sometimes hours.

I don't know what it means, or if it means anything at all, so I have never talked about it before, not even in therapy. It just seems like such a tiny fragment that it's not worth mentioning.

I don't want to go digging for a story to go along with it. Some things are better left alone, I think.

But, how do you let it go and not think about something ?

 

[Lucycat]

I don't think you can 'just let it go and not think about it'. It sounds like it is bothering you so should be discussed in therapy. That might be all you need - to air this partial memory and then maybe it will recede.

 

[jadebear]

...And what if airing this partial memory makes me start remembering what happened? From the way the pain feels, I don't think I even want to know.

 

[Nyx]

Remember what you said before your T helped you remember that rape by a stranger? You said you didn't want to remember. And then you did it. And then you were glad you did. Jade, you know that hiding from it never works... If you want the pain to go away you will have to face the pain of remembering.

I don't want to put ideas in your head, it's your decision to make, after all. And I hope whatever decision you make it will help you. Take care.

 

[jadebear]

This one is different though, Nyx. For some reason, I have always associated this partial memory with my mom, not my dad.

My sister has told me many times that mom sexually abused us too, which I don't remember at all. I really don't think I could handle it if It was true. So since this is associated with her, I don't want to remember.

 

[cherryblossom]

I still like what Nyx has said in regards to this.

Jade, you know that hiding from it never works... If you want the pain to go away you will have to face the pain of remembering.

I don't think the memories can be forced, but may explored a bit more? I really do believe that the brain surfaces memories, when we are 'ready' to deal with them. Maybe it feels overwhelming, and just like one thing after another etc, but eventually, there will be no more memories to deal with. Denial just doesn't work, because at some point, it comes and bites us on the butt. I know it's not what you want to hear, and you must do whatever is right for you :hug: