General How Does Ptsd Affect You As A Carer?

[amethist]

No Toria, you are defiantly not alone feeling like this. I am sure all carers and sufferers too often wish they could either put the clock back, or have there lives back to how they were pre PTSD. Unfortunately we can't, but what some can do, again so unfortunate that all can't, is to re-build on what is left.

Sound's way out for new carers or sufferers, but it can be done, not the life or future you were expecting, but better than it is now. look at what is left of the man he was, and build on that. It is not going to be easy, a lot of fighting and struggling, but if you both stick together and work hard, you can build a future together.

PTSD changes lives forever, but it does not have to be doom and gloom forever. Now and then yes but not constantly battling with the the roller coaster, you can slow it down and smooth it out eventually.

Start setting boundaries up, that you will not allow him to cross, it will help both of you keep a hold on the crazy times.

Take care

Amethist

 

[Bert]

PTSD has taught me that for love I will wrongly lose myself and forget who I am, it will spin me into a depression with suicidal thoughts and more. PTSD has taught me I can't do this by myself and even though my wife is seeing a therapist I still need support. This forum has taught me in the few hours I have been here that I am not alone, I MUST set boundaries, I HAVE to take care of myself and I can not allow PTSD to be an excuse for abuse anymore. I have read some things that have given me hope, and I also have read some things that make me wonder if all is lost in my relationship and if, for the sake of my wife, it would be better for me to walk away since I have already allowed it to get to a point that is very unhealthy. Not even being a sufferer of PTSD myself but a carer it has altered and changed me from a once valiant and proud man to a shivering little boy afraid of his wife's shadow and standing up to her in anyway. I am no longer primarily seeking help to help her, but now I seek it to help me, I can't be this person anymore, I can't live with me anymore in this fashion. I have become a codependent person who lives not for "good" days but passable days without as much abuse to endure as opposed to normal. I am working in myself to come up with boundaries and will have to really dig deep to come up with the courage to address them without fearing what may happen. I was lost when I found this site and I am glad I did, seems like a lot of strong people I can gain courage and inspiration from and ideas from their experiences. Thanks for this site and the helpful pots I have already read, thanks for letting me see I am not alone, thanks for helping me to realize I am not worthless and that others fight the same fight and feel the same feelings. I pray for the chance to one day post a triumphant victory post about how wonderful life has become and how great my marriage is once again. I pray I have the strength and patience to achieve that day.

 

[valdoodle]

I like your post Bert. It is honest and I totally understand what you mean because for 'love' I totally lost myself too. I have been thinking about this a lot lately because, after 13 years of total devotion he is leaving me.
I would like to consider the aspects of a PTSD relationship which, even though they have become 'normal' to us long time supporters are not acceptable. I think we get into our relationships blind, not knowing what is going to hit us. I was in too deep when I realised something was wrong. I was too stuck and confused to be any use to myself. My friends gave up and stopped contacting me. I now realise after 13 years that this was wrong. Although he is still very ill, my partner has a lot of support from different agencies. I have none.

When we met, unknown to me , he had other partners though these were gradually, reluctantly I think, ditched. The following are his ideals which I have said NO to all through our relationship as I now know they are wrong (for me anyway).
His body belongs to him and he can do what he wants with it.
When you have twisted a bayonet in someone (when in the army) how can having sex with someone be bad.
Some women are for loving (ie. me) some women are for sex (ie. not me)
(I work long hours...... but get (need)13 weeks holiday) Just because I am on holiday doesn't mean he is available for a holiday (he is unemployed).
I was wrong to tell the young woman who repeatedly came to our door for him to "@*@* off"
Our home is like a prison.
etc. etc.

Read in the context of a normal relationship these statements sound just wrong. However, they were said passing causing arguments which I think he used to give him an adrenaline rush because he knew which buttons to press. I often wondered if he actually got off on me crying myself to sleep. It sounds madness doesn't it. He now wants to leave and has found another place to live. I desperately care he is ok. But why. He is 47 years old! I feel I have tried so hard for nothing. It should not be so hard to have a relationship should it?
I just wish I had put in safe boundaries around myself before it got too late and I got sucked into a spiral of madness which I am having now to dig my way out of.
Surely a 'how to' guide to a PTSD relationship sheet would be useful. I found the Alanon family support groups very non judgemental and friendly even though drink was never the real issue. Their policy of look after yourself worked for me. Good Luck Bert I wish you strength and luck. I am not sure even if it is right to write this on here. I have not much concept of what is right or acceptable anymore. Baby steps back into life.....for both of us.

 

[john hilbourn]

It has made me realise that you can feel so incredibly alone even though you are sitting next to the man that you love.

It has made me realise that I am not as strong as I thought I was.

I have very few friends outside of work because it is me that avoids going out because I'm never sure what my husband is going to say or do.

There are days when it's easier to say nothing at all rather than risk being shouted at. There are days when I would rather be anywhere than be at home.

Above all - what I most want in the world - is to have just one day with the man I married.

I hope that you don't judge me harshly for saying this - in the UK there's a court investigation going on in to the death of a Bomb Disposal Army man (sorry - I'm a bit incoherent!) who was killed in the line of duty. It was on the news this morning and all I could think was how lucky his wife was because she had good memories of her husband. Obviously I felt so sorry for her because she'd never see him again - but she had those memories to see her through the tough times. My husband came home - but I never got him back.

I cannot speak for your husband, and I completely understand your thoughts, for I and my wife have been in a situation similar since 2008, Sept. I cannot supply an answer, if I could we would go into business together and sell the cure for 19.95 and become rich, but, not going to happen.

There are many times I find myself envious of the person who didn't come home, for PTSD, BTI, PCS appears to place me in a place I cannot escape, determination, effort, hard work, medications, As far as my wife goes, I have suggested seperation, considered suicide (not a good idea, (but one I believe a majority consider),I go to therapy, anything irregardless of the personal price, for I can not say sacrifice for in my opinion a sacrifice is tangible that a person is willing to give up, many of us don't have the same perception of life as we once had so what we want most in the world as well as our spouses is just one day with the man they married as well.

I have never responded or talk of this much to anyone, don't know why I did now, guess just wanted to let you know as a person who puts their spouse through what you are going thru, we (no excuse) or the people I know going through it, is not done with bad, cruel intent, even though it is felt that way to our spouses, but we do apologize and appreciate the efforts of yourself, my wife, and many others in this situation. Its like we for some ungodly reason cannot figure out how to do what many of us were good at, and made people fall in love with us, for we miss it as well. Enough babbling just wanted you to know I don't know your husband but for the type of man you fell in love with, I would be willing to bet he is sorry as well and does appreciate you. Have a good day

 

[Toria]

Hello John - thank you so much for your insight, especially as you say that you don't post so often. I do know that he is the way that he is because he is poorly, it's just unfortunate that a lot of his symptoms revolve around anger and frustration, and that I seem to be the one that makes him angry and frustrated! Again, I do know (deep down) that it isn't really me - but I don't manage to remember that every day.

Thank you again x

 

[Iron_Angel]

I have been told now to butt out and stop offering anything to help with his PTSD because it's "unhelpful" to refer to his mental state. He has decided to do nothing about any form of treatment and just, well, ignore it.

He feels that the only thing that will bring him relief is to lay charges against all of those who have wronged him. He has been unable to do this for the past 20 some years, but I guess he expected me to work miracles on that. It's been a little difficult when he cannot even talk about what has happened to him, or who was involved and when.

My suggestion was to get him healthier and then tackle the legal side. He has rejected that out of hand. So I will respect his wishes and stop helping. He has also asked for "no more words" so I guess that means he doesn't want me to talk to him either.

Looks like we're done. :( Consequently, how PTSD affects me as a carer is that it has won. And I've lost.

 

[amethist]

No Iron_Angel, he has not won, if any thing he has lost.

He has let his PTSD get the better of him, by not doing all he can to manage his own issues.

Now it is up to you to decide if your are always going to be there, when he "Sends More Words".

I would work on your own healing now Angel, put your self first for a while.

Amethist

 

[Nicolette]

Iron Angel, I would firstly like to say I dislike thinking PTSD is a game of winning and losing but I appreciate you feeling desolate by what you have written.

He has been unable to do this for the past 20 some years, but I guess he expected me to work miracles on that. It's been a little difficult when he cannot even talk about what has happened to him, or who was involved and when.

What I also dislike about this thinking pattern is that you are somehow (by you or him?) expected "to work miracles" on an issue which is yours nor one you have any understanding of. That is asking for a miracle IMHO.

PTSD symptoms often don't follow normal logic and "no more words" could simply be his way of saying he is overloaded?

Whatever the issue Amethist is correct in saying it would only do you good to put your self first for awhile.

 

[Iron_Angel]

Thank you both for your wise and comforting (it IS comfort even if it doesn't sound like it to others) words. I DO need to put myself first for a while. In my goofy way, I have made a graphic with the universal NO symbol and a pile of words. If he wonders why I'm not communicating, I'll send him that, lol. But I'm taking a break right now to recharge.

On a more serious note, his "no more words" means that there has been no action to get him justice or stop his ongoing threat from police. Yet he cannot talk about it enough to give me names, dates, places, so charges can be laid.

The only good thing about his lengthy e-mail rants is that now and then a useful fact comes out. In the last one, he has said 3 therapists have called police on him, and two of those when he had agreements drawn up by different lawyers to assure him that they wouldn't. I feel we need to complain about those 2 lawyers to the Law Society for not taking action when the agreements were breached, and complain about those 3 therapists to their governing body for malpractice. But he can't give me names or dates.So there is no action possible, and all I have are words.

What's worse, I don't even know how his conversations with his therapists ended up in them calling police. I have suspicions, that it was the PTSD talking, but he won't confirm or explain that. So there could be an important piece of information that is missing. Either way, he needs treatment, even if it's self-treatment. But he's taken that off the table.

I meant that PTSD itself has won, not that he or I could win. The only way we can win is if we can get it managed. And he doesn't feel that's at all relevant.

I did tell him a while ago that I would help right this injustice that's been done to him, regardless of how our relationship goes. I will continue to pursue anything that I think will be a worthwhile avenue to try, but without pertinent information it's up hill all the way, and not being able to talk to him is a bit of a handicap to say the least.

((Amethist)) ((Nicolette)) I appreciate your support. Thanks!