Relationship How Far Gone Is He?

[bluebell1989]

My husband and I were both in the military. He got out of the military two years ago, and I got out about eight months ago. He has not been diagnosed with ptsd but I know he needs help. About seven months ago he just became emotionless.

WE argued often about petty issues, that I pray everyday I wish I could take back. But he suffered from bouts of paranoia, and mood swings. He always thought I was going to leave him, or that he wasn't good enough. Well six months ago he just changed. He kicked me out of our house (no infidelity....I love this man with all of my soul and would do anything for him) because he said he just didn't want to be married any more. He sold his truck, bought a motorcycle(that he doesn't ride), started partying hard, drinks all the time.

Now I know this sounds like a man that was just in an unhappy marriage and is living the life now. I wish that were the case because I'd at least know he was happy. But for six months he never calls me, I always initiate contact. He talks and its usually cold, or emotionless. I've begged, pleaded, been to a mental health professional, racked my brain for six months. But on occasion he does talk to me on a personal level and he breaks down crying. Well last week he text me about being at a bar with a bunch of bikers....mind you he hasn't initiated contact with me in six months.

And tonight he called me for the first time. He was obviously drunk. He was crying and telling me all about the things that he saw and had to do while he was at war. He kept telling me that I need to go to bed and think about watching people die and kill themselves. and having to bury people. I was just patient and listened. Told him I'm sorry he had to go through that, and that I'm always here for him. He's just wrecklessly throwing his life away, making bad decisions, and acting out of character. I think he needs help, and I don't know why all of a sudden he contacts me. I live 5 hours away since he kicked me out. I don't know how to help him. I would like to think also that we could save our marriage, but I'm at a loss. Please help!!!!

 

[Friday]

I can't speak for your beaux... But yah. Sounds about right. xMilitary here, too.

I cut off all contact with people I loved, put as much distance between me and them, and could only attempt any kind of contact with them when I was seriously f*cked up. For a long time I had to get really drunk, or seriously injured, in order to let my walls down. I was trying to protect them. I didn't want them around me when I was completely off the reservation... Odd as it may sound... Because I didn't want to lose them. I knew that if they saw me as screwed up as I was, for any length of time, that that would be the end. I'd lose them for good, or I'd hurt them in a way that I couldn't live with myself afterward. But as long as I burned all my bridges with people/ cut them off as cleanly as I could, in my heart, I still had them. I hadn't hurt them. I hadn't made them hate me. I might, after I got better again, be forgiven. For me it meant that I had hope. Hope that I'd be alright. Hope that in time I could put things right. The people I kept around me? I didn't care about. And if I started to, then I cut off contact with them, too.

 

[RussH]

Is there an army buddy of his you can contact? Someone that he would listen to? Otherwise their is a chiristian organiztion founded by Dave Reaver that ministers to veterns, especially veterns the problems like you husband. if you can contact them, they might have some useful information for you.

 

[KwanYingirl]

His experiences sure do sound very traumatic. He has to reach out for help. I think vets have it hard. They are expected to do things that are beyond comprehension. Then they come home and try to live their old life. I hope he gets inspired to get help. Meanwhile, take care of your own needs. If you plan to be there for him you'll have to be strong and courageous too.

 

[bluebell1989]

I can't speak for your beaux... But yah. Sounds about right. xMilitary here, too.

This sounds exactly like him. its like he doesnt care that hes loosing everything in his life. It just makes me sad to see a man that had a good wife, good family, a home, a good job, just not care anymore. And when i ask him what he wants his response is always that he "doesnt know." He is lost, his friends dont really care about him. His family has no idea what their son is dealing with, because he is so good at hiding it. It SUCKS! im his wife, im supposed be their to support him and love him and instead he turns to shitty relationships and being an alcoholic. He needs help, how do I initiate that conversation with him without making him mad? in a way that he will listen, and understand im not trying to control, but that he needs help?

 

[KwanYingirl]

Well, if your husband had cancer he would have days that he'd be enraged about it. Then there would be some ok days, but in reality, people suffering with cancer are on a roller coaster too. Many marriages don't survive it, many become stronger. But it's culturally acceptable. I mean everybody is raising money to cure cancer, right? It's deadly, it doesn't play fair, it swings the emotions to the dearest of fears and perhaps closer to a Higher Power than what you might think possible.

And then there's PTSD. Why don't we share our stories with family or friends? Why are we paralyzed by anxiety, fear, reliving our trauma over and over and over? Why are we stigmatized, ignored, invalidated? Our emotions all over the place and just leave me alone, go away and leave me alone. The ultimate ego death. I'd rather take my chances with cancer. At least people accept it.

I've spent a lifetime pretending that the life threatening abuses I have survived didn't really affect me. Massive denial. It wasn't until a year ago that I started seeing a trauma specialist that light has dawned on Marblehead:

By Annais Nin-

And the time came when the
Risk to remain tight in a bud
Was more painful than the
Risk it took to blossom.

The question of how to reach out to a PTSD sufferer is unanswerable. Some of us reach out eventually, some take their pain to their grave.

You can help yourself not be vicariously traumatized by getting help for your own molecular integrity.

 

[Friday]

Strong second to see if you can reach out to a close friend in his unit.

And there's some really brilliant stuff by Anthony & Nicolette on the subject.

_______

Also, again this is just me/my experience I'm not sayin it will work for everyone, and think really hard before using it on your husband -you know him best- ...

I respond best to rough handling.
When people started (or even today start) getting all empathetic/sympathetic, my walls slammed down so fast it even made my head spin.
It wasn't pity/fear/worry that got me help.
And it wasn't suck it up.
(Although "Get your ass over here" and a smile along with other simple orders worked/ work fairly well. Like if this pisses you off, no worries, vent, just don't hang up.).
But it WAS that morbid humor, nonchalant, "Well we're f*cked anyway, might as well have a little fun" attitude that you'd be familiar with from being active duty, yeah? I could listen to that. And hear it.

If people treated me like I was broken, I couldn't believe I'd ever be okay again.
I needed people to either not care about me at all, or believe I was gonna be just fine (if only so that I could argue with them that I wasn't, then come to believe, yeah. Okay. I'm screwed up right now but I WILL be just fine.) I needed to be able to joke about what was wrong with me, with other people who were joking about what's going wrong with them. I needed laughter. Bad. And belief.

Other people need different things. But that's what I needed.