What's your view on how far you should push yourself in therapy? I obviously know that none of it is going to be easy but with me....We start on a subject... spend 1, maybe 2 sessions on it, I will decide it's too hard and ask to stop and we move to something else. So, I did it when it came to my ex and we never went back to it and now with talking about the more recent incident, I don't want to carry on with it (haven't told her that yet) it all just really threw me and I still don't feel right BUT I don't want to keep starting on things then stopping when it gets tough because I don't end up going back to it and I know it probably hinders progress. I know I should be having this conversation with therapist and I will next week. I just wondered what other people thought because it's not like any of this is ever going to be easy to talk about, so what am I even doing with it all
How far to push yourself in therapy
- Post starter LucyLou
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Sideways
Sponsor
I have goals in therapy that I steadily work towards. Some are easy (get that job, move home) some are harder (stop hating myself).
Sometimes I go into a therapy session with a specific pressing issue that I need to address then and there. But more often, it’s a gradual chipping away at my different goals.
Rather than addressing specific issues, having goals to work towards means I get stuck less often. I’m more than a decade into therapy, and I’m still appalling at talking about hard stuff. But since I’m working towards goals, rather than working on something specific, like a specific issue to resolve, I can come at it from all different angles. So if I get stuck coming from this angle, next session we can talk about something else, but still be working on the same goal. Without getting quite so stuck.
I’ve also done a lot of different types of therapy. Which has helped me immensely. I’m a very cerebral person, rather than naturally artistic. But I found art therapy and music therapy incredibly helpful ways to address topics where it was too hard to say the words. It allowed me to confront the emotions without having to verbalise stuff.
Sometimes I go into a therapy session with a specific pressing issue that I need to address then and there. But more often, it’s a gradual chipping away at my different goals.
Rather than addressing specific issues, having goals to work towards means I get stuck less often. I’m more than a decade into therapy, and I’m still appalling at talking about hard stuff. But since I’m working towards goals, rather than working on something specific, like a specific issue to resolve, I can come at it from all different angles. So if I get stuck coming from this angle, next session we can talk about something else, but still be working on the same goal. Without getting quite so stuck.
I’ve also done a lot of different types of therapy. Which has helped me immensely. I’m a very cerebral person, rather than naturally artistic. But I found art therapy and music therapy incredibly helpful ways to address topics where it was too hard to say the words. It allowed me to confront the emotions without having to verbalise stuff.
Dark.Green.Feathers
Platinum Member
I “push” as long as it’s in my window of tolerance. Really, even if I have an agenda, the sessions can play out differently, so it’s not entirely linear what we talk about, but I don’t drop things unless I feel it’s not currently priority,
In-session, if it’s getting too much, we can take it more gently, or leave it until next time. Hard as in: struggling to share VS Hard as in: becoming dysregulated aren’t the same. It’s all very anxiety inducing but there’s manageable levels and then leaving tolerance, which is not beneficial.
If I’m finding it too hard to get things out (like I am), I look for less burdensome methods to do it. If sharing the information directly is making me freeze up, I come back with something more allegorical, so I’m not directly referring to myself yet, but still conveying the information. Or I make a diagram which we can unpack in smaller pieces, skips actually sharing something face-to-face, but we get on the topic there, anyway.
How much do you employ grounding/regulation methods in-session? My T calls for us to pull back to regulate fairly often when it’s really tough stuff, I’m wondering if yours notices and does similar? Before you reach capacity.
Most things come out in little pieces, for us. Takes a number of sessions to develop a picture of something because forcing it all at once makes us go backwards. Even when (Especially another part) things get very “gung-ho, want to get it over and done with”, T calls for a pause so we don’t screw ourselves over.
In-session, if it’s getting too much, we can take it more gently, or leave it until next time. Hard as in: struggling to share VS Hard as in: becoming dysregulated aren’t the same. It’s all very anxiety inducing but there’s manageable levels and then leaving tolerance, which is not beneficial.
If I’m finding it too hard to get things out (like I am), I look for less burdensome methods to do it. If sharing the information directly is making me freeze up, I come back with something more allegorical, so I’m not directly referring to myself yet, but still conveying the information. Or I make a diagram which we can unpack in smaller pieces, skips actually sharing something face-to-face, but we get on the topic there, anyway.
How much do you employ grounding/regulation methods in-session? My T calls for us to pull back to regulate fairly often when it’s really tough stuff, I’m wondering if yours notices and does similar? Before you reach capacity.
Most things come out in little pieces, for us. Takes a number of sessions to develop a picture of something because forcing it all at once makes us go backwards. Even when (Especially another part) things get very “gung-ho, want to get it over and done with”, T calls for a pause so we don’t screw ourselves over.
Dark.Green.Feathers
Platinum Member
^ to add on to some of what Sideways said, sometimes the artwork which I/we make to express particularly difficult stuff gets shown to T. Most of it doesn’t but it does help to get it out in some way.
Calmdown
Bronze Member
Don't push yourself if it makes you feel bad. It is ok if a topic is too much to handle at the moment or maybe you don't want to talk about it for years or forever, there is no law that says you have to do it. You can also talk about symptoms. You don't always need to talk in detail about difficult topics to solve problems, that really depends.
arfie
Diamond Member
i take it one episode at a time and trust my instincts. alas, instincts are a primal force and primal forces are typically not skilled with verbal languages. instincts work best beyond words. by trusting my instincts, i feel better to find the problem before i attempt to find words for what we have stumbled onto.
and it's okay if that didn't make a lick of sense to you. it doesn't make allot of sense to me, either. trust required.
and it's okay if that didn't make a lick of sense to you. it doesn't make allot of sense to me, either. trust required.
Hey LucyLou,
You get to decide what is too much. Therapy is a good way to gain awareness, but healing is very personal. Have you considered what is making you feel uncomfortable about each topic? Topics have multiple parts, slow down and find that is making you pause. Your comfort and safety is essential to the process. Be well!
Dee88
- Moderator
- #8
Friday
VIP Member
Avoidance is a sonnuvabitch of a symptom, amirite?
And soooo confusing when the people IN our lives respect the boundaries, barriers, and asks we make of them.
What’s more important to you, in a therapist?
- Someone who respects your no?
- Someone who calls you on your BS?
ONCE in a blue moon you might find someone who manages both, but it’s a unicorn. IRL, you yourself will need to choose what is more important to you.
And soooo confusing when the people IN our lives respect the boundaries, barriers, and asks we make of them.
What’s more important to you, in a therapist?
- Someone who respects your no?
- Someone who calls you on your BS?
ONCE in a blue moon you might find someone who manages both, but it’s a unicorn. IRL, you yourself will need to choose what is more important to you.
You are right on.. it's a delicate balance and report. Honestly, I never found one.
Charbella
Sponsor
Someone who can balance the two. Someone who sees and understands me enough to know when no means no and when no means please come at it from a different angle. Seems to me if a trauma therapist can’t do this then they aren’t in the right business.
Yep, this happened for me too. But then I’d pick it up again, work on it some more, push it open a little further before needing a break. When the subject starts to come back up then it’s time to work it some more.
Therapy is work, and if you’re not feeling some level of discomfort, then you’re probably just circling around the real issues instead of moving through them. Resistance isn’t a sign to stop; it’s often the sign that you’re getting close to something important.
For me, if I wasn’t feeling that tension—if I wasn’t pushing up against something hard—I’d start questioning whether I was actually doing the work or just buying time. Avoidance feels like relief in the moment, but long term, it just delays the breakthrough. The real reward—the clarity, the growth, the actual healing—comes from leaning into that discomfort, not backing away from it.
That doesn’t mean throwing yourself into deep water unprepared, but it does mean recognizing that growth and resistance go hand in hand. If I wasn’t uncomfortable at least some of the time, I knew I wasn’t really getting anywhere.
For me, if I wasn’t feeling that tension—if I wasn’t pushing up against something hard—I’d start questioning whether I was actually doing the work or just buying time. Avoidance feels like relief in the moment, but long term, it just delays the breakthrough. The real reward—the clarity, the growth, the actual healing—comes from leaning into that discomfort, not backing away from it.
That doesn’t mean throwing yourself into deep water unprepared, but it does mean recognizing that growth and resistance go hand in hand. If I wasn’t uncomfortable at least some of the time, I knew I wasn’t really getting anywhere.
- Moderator
- #12
Friday
VIP Member
With ADHD therapists? I can usually find a badass one in under 30 minutes, although sometimes it takes as long as 3 or 4 days. Depending on how remote I am (I travel).
TRAUMA Therapists? OMFG.
There are approximately 200 full on actual trauma therapists in my city of apex 2 million. About 5,000 therapists who “claim” to treat trauma but don’t actually have the credentials. I interviewed nearly all 200. And then? Kept stretching my boundaries until I was travelling 10 hours, round trip, out of state… for ONE badass trauma therapist. If I lived in Europe? I’d be crossing borders at least 3 or 4 times. Took me 2 years to find them.
It’s a fawking slog.
Unless one just gets lucky as hell.
Unless lucky? Choose wisely. What you need, instead of what you want.
