How far would a t go to try and ellict a certain response?

[UnicornSightings]

I remember being really offended by something my t did or said and I confronted her the next week. Her apology did NOT seem sincere. Seemed really clear she was just saying it to get us back on track. Kinda pissed me off. Throughout the 2 and a half years there were several times where our issues weren’t settled in a neat little package with a bow on top. I had such a hard time with that. With not having our relationship be smooth all the time (and I’m not saying you expect that from your t). Over time though, since I just stuck with her, those moments would pass and we would find our groove again. I learned from that that a good relationship doesn’t necessarily need to have every issue completely resolved. It’s more of a “does your t and do you have enough respect for the relationship to move on” kinda thing. So maybe consider if you can move past it, whether you’re reading into it or not. Is it worth it?

 

[Supermoon2017]

I remember being really offended by something my t did or said and I confronted her the next w...

Yes, relationships don't always run smoothly and won't always be nicely tied up in a neat little package with a bow on top. I do understand that and there have many incidences like you say which I've moved past.

I'm just feeling very hurt by what was said and also very very confused! I had just started to trust him and trust that he actually cared after a long time. I wasn't thinking I was special or anything just simply that he cared about me in the sense of caring about 'another one of his clients'. This incident for some reason seems to have literally taken a hammer to the fragile glass of trust that I had and smashed it to pieces. Right now I feel like it has put me back months in terms of trusting him.
It just feels like I have almost been duped and what I thought I knew and felt was not true at all. It's really hard to explain but when he said what he said it seemed almost false and not in line with everything else he has shown in therapy. That is what is confusing me the most. Either I got him completely wrong these past 2 years and this was the 'real' him or it was actually an intentional lie (with the hope of helping me somehow) and that is why it felt 'off'. This is why I ask the question as to do therapists ever intentionally say something or forget something to elicit a response so that it can be brought to the foreground and then 'worked' through with them for growth? I.E is the short term hurt and pain ever brought out in order to try and get to the long-term gain?

I have enough respect for the relationship and the process to work through anything and he is very professional so I'm presuming he will too but right now I'm very confused and hurting I'm not sure if my thoughts are even making sense at this stage or I really am just overreacting to something.

 

[UnicornSightings]

Yeah I totally get the thinking that your t isn’t who you thought they were. That’s really hard. Well, if this is gonna continue to drive you crazy then what I would do is write down your thoughts, write down your feelings and bring them into the next session and talk about them in a way (if you can) that let’s go of judgment and defensiveness. Just get really curious about it. “Hey, so I’m having some really intense feelings about what we talked about last week. These are my thoughts and feelings about it now. I’m curious why I’m having such a strong reaction and why I can’t let it go. Can we explore this further?”

That could lead to some really good stuff.

 

[Supermoon2017]

Thanks so much for all your response they have been very helpful and even just ranting about t has been helpful.

When I say I thought 'I thought I knew my T' I really don't mean 'know' him as in know who he is as a person as I know I really have no idea and don't actually know much about him at all. I mean it in more in the way that I thought his care and kindness towards me were genuine. I thought I 'knew' that it was real (after a lot of the time not knowing this) but als it seems not.

Yes, writing it down might be helpful. Not sure if I will be able to talk about it without judgement or defensiveness yet as it's still quite raw. I am hurting and angry right now, regardless of wether he was telling he truth or not. Whichever way I look at it either he meant it (and hurt me albeit unintentionally) or didn't actually mean it but said it to evoke a response (and thus by trying to make me angry hurt me intentionally). Ugh...

yes I'm sure I'll look back on this someday as a time of growth but right now it pretty much sucks, I am really hurting, have lost all trust in him and I never want to see him again!

 

[UnicornSightings]

Thanks so much for all your response they have been very helpful and even just ranting about t has been helpful....

So if he did hurt you, either intentionally or unintentionally, so what? I don’t mean that in a callous way, I mean you can take it. We all can take it. We aren’t fragile beings who can’t take hits now and then, even from people who care about us. And honestly, the people who we care about will hurt us way more than anyone else because we value their opinion. You’re still ok. You’ve been through a lot and here you still are. Fighting the good fight for your betterment. So it hurts right now. I’m sorry it hurts. But you can handle it. Let yourself feel everything that’s coming up and try to stop adding to it cause that’s keeping the pain alive. Whether you can let go of defensiveness or not, it’s still a good plan to talk to him about this.

 

[Supermoon2017]

So if he did hurt you, either intentionally or unintentionally, so what? I don’t mean that...

I totally get what you are saying and in one breath I found your response very helpful. Yes, I am well able for it. Yes I will survive and will get through it. I have been hurt before by people I care about and inevitably will be hurt again in the future and I will be able to get through that too. Such is life and such is the complexity of relationships. In another breath however I feel have been hurt enough in my life by people I trust that I don't need it to happen in therapy!

 

[UnicornSightings]

I totally get what you are saying and in one breath I found your response very helpful. Yes, I am well able for...

I completely understand wanting a truly safe place and I’m so glad you weren’t offended, I just wanted to talk to you like I would talk to me in the same situation.

So maybe safety and trust in therapy doesn’t come from not being hurt or misunderstood. Maybe it means allowing space for that, too. And actually working to resolve it with someone who won’t be defensive back at you, won’t walk away and will care about how you’re feeling. Maybe in that way you can redefine trust.

 

[Supermoon2017]

I completely understand wanting a truly safe place and I’m so glad you weren’t offended, I...

No definitely not offended. I appreciate the thoughts as you are making me think which is always a good thing! You are right I'm sure there is a lot to be said for being able to be angry with someone who can hold that anger and won't run away or get defensive. Maybe when the intense rawness of the hurt/anger fades I'll be able to see that more.

 

[Rumors]

Is the phrase he used something that is common or that people say other than your mother? Without knowing what was said, I think it's hard to formulate an opinion about the instance. Sorry if you already stated it and I missed it reading through... I do think that the words are the trigger not the person saying them. Perception is 100% what drives us so if your lifetime of perception is your mom saying something that brought you hurt and pain then anyone saying that phrase means harm. Anyway, just a thought. Hang in there!

 

[Supermoon2017]

Is the phrase he used something that is common or that people say other than your mother? Without knowin...

The phrase he used was something other people could say. I mean it was an apology. But the words he used (i.e the exact phrasing of it, and tone and emphasis on certain words) was the 'exact' way I had told him a few weeks previous that my mother had apologized to me after she did something particularly bad. I had shared I was angry at the time as she was defensive and it was clear she didn't really mean the apology and was just trying to get me to leave her alone.
My T has apologized numerous times before and never was it said in this way or with such defensiveness.

 

[Rumors]

The phrase he used was something other people could say. I mean it was an apology. But the words he used (i.e th...

Hmmmm... I can only challenge you to try and see where you were when that apology came forth. If he was in a position to apologize then he had to do something that had hurt you to begin with meaning you were already in a vulnerable place. I think when someone who has been genuine offers an apology you should give them the benefit of the doubt. If it happens again, then maybe you should look at it deeper. Don't let this hinder the work you are doing. Maybe you can talk about it more openly and what your mom's tone means to you as it pertains to conversations with other people ??? In any case, you are doing good stuff here because at least you are airing it out and trying to figure it out!!!

 

[Beans]

Hmmm. I've only had 2 therapists but neither would try to elicit a response. They sometimes say things that challenge my beliefs that make me think or might make me sad/mad/uncertain, etc. but i dont think they specifically try to get a specific emotion. They do encourage me to grieve, be kind to myself, etc. with the ultimate goal of me living a more fulfilling life. If anything they've been straightforward asking me how i felt, or if something made me mad, or saying that 'it seems like you feel frustrated, does that sound right?" etc. The only leading I ever notice is when they're asking me questions and helping me deconstruct a belief or see something a different way.