How far would a t go to try and ellict a certain response?

[blackemerald1]

I'd suggest you revisit this with him again.

He is your "T" and if it is still causing you confusion when you next see him, you should tell him that you are having trouble dealing with the phrase & tone that he used. It doesn't matter if he is sorry or not. Sorry doesn't help at all. What matter's is that this has caused you a lot of angst and really it means you are not 'over' it.

I think this 'phrase' has really brought up some issue's.

You are justified in being angry at the words or phrase because they appear to be linked to abusive behaviour. That is where I see this all coming from.

I'd suggest you tell him that you don't want an apology but you do want to discuss how 'loaded' certain words or phrases are for you. Ask him for help with this considering you told him in a prior session the exact phrase that occurred at the time of the abusive behaviour.

Unless he is very unprofessional and just mean, he should know what you are trying to explain.

 

[UnicornSightings]

The phrase he used was something other people could say. I mean it was an apology. But the words he used (i.e th...

If he said it in nearly the exact same way after you told him exactly how she did it’s possible it was just stuck in his head this way. Like when we unintentionally use the same wording other people have used, just because we heard it. And maybe his defensive reaction was due to how you were responding to it. I mean, he’s human, he’s gonna get defensive too sometimes. I don’t know, it’s your call f course but you have the option to take him at his word. That option would lead you to feel better and because you can’t be sure, wouldn’t you want to trust him? Otherwise you can choose to harbor this resentment and keep obsessing about it and let it destroy the relationship you built with him. Can you use this opportunity for growth? It doesn’t have to feel good for it to be growth.

 

[Supermoon2017]

If he said it in nearly the exact same way after you told him exactly how she did it’s possi...

It sounds odd I know but I would prefer if he had done it intentionally as then it would mean that even though it hurt that at least there was thought of me behind it. I.e perhaps he thought it was in my best interest long term. The alternative is that he did not think of me at all which is harder to accept.
I will never know if it was intentional or not. He has said it wasn't and others that I've spoken with have agreed that it's also highly unlikely it was so for my own benefit I must accept that and move forward. I will have to take him at his word and 'trust' him that he made a mistake but that is easier said than done and the hurt from it will also take time. I'm not going to let it ruin the work I've done so far as I know these kinds of things are part of the 'work' but in my eyes, it is a setback. Perhaps only a minor a setback that will help facilitate growth in the future but right now it feels all-encompassing.

Thanks again for all your thoughts and feedback. It has really helped challenge me, process my thoughts and see things from another perspective.

 

[Friday]

The alternative is that he did not think of me at all which is harder to accept.

Why?

 

[Supermoon2017]

I thought about this statement a lot, after writing it. He is my therapist, it shouldn't matter that he didn't think of me but it does. I haven't shared the entire context of what was said and/or not said for the purpose of anonymity so it's hard to fully explain.

Some of why it matters is of course from issues in my past (Likely, this is why the hurt I feel is so intense and out of proportion to the actual event itself). It brought up some of the not nice feelings relating to things that happened to me as a child. I get that. Some of it though is based on the here and now and the actual real 'therapy' relationship. I realize that he is my therapist, not my friend I understand that the feelings I have towards him are far stronger than any he may have for me, his client. Over the past few years, we have worked hard to build up trust. It has taken a long time but I had finally just started to believe his care was genuine and not all 'put on'. I was not looking for 'extra care' or to be a 'special client'. I really wasn't. It's human nature to want someone we care about to care about us back. This incident just seems to have shaken the foundation and made me question if it was/is all real. If it is not, as it seems it is not, then naturally that hurts.

 

[Butterflies2023]

My T never tried to push my buttons that I am consciously aware - he did point out that I never show anger. That gave me permission to show anger which I uncomfortably did after a particular work issue. However, my twenty something year old girls who saw the same T at different times stated that this T took a cushion pillow off a couch and used it to push on them to see if they would push back. They were surprised and I think offended. One daughter stopped seeing him and the other daughter went back several more times to see the T.

I think he was trying to see if they could instinctively push a man back if a man approached them in an nonconsensual way. That is an instinctive move and it worked. One pushed back the other did not - as expected.

 

[blackemerald1]

Really whether intentional or a total accident. He needs to understand that it has shaken your trust with him. I think you can have a very high expectation of care from your Therapist. Why would you ever divulge anything to anyone particularly your Therapist, if you did not have an expectation of care? I am speaking of professional responsibility/care here (as I believe that is what you are expecting).

Getting results from Therapy does require a trusting and caring relationship. It means letting down your guard and moving through experiences that I expect one would otherwise avoid because the hope is, that at the end, healing and growth will occur.

Take care.

 

[Friday]

It has taken a long time but I had finally just started to believe his care was genuine and not all 'put on'.

The leap you're making here is one of those classic PTSD 1+1 = 67 things.

You're going from

Accident / didn't intentionally hurt you = Wasn't thinking about you = Doesn't care about you


So either he hurt you on purpose, or everything is a lie and he's never cared about you? Bit of a lose/lose proposition there, right? Do you think it's possible for someone to care about someone else and still accidentally hurt them?

 

[shimmerz]

but I had finally just started to believe his care was genuine and not all 'put on'.

And maybe because you have been working through that, this is your PTSD giving you one more kick of the can to see whether you will fall into old patterns.

I know that part of my healing has been to realize that stuff isn't always about me and I am being arrogant if I think it is. I also used to distract myself and my sense of actually feeling what was going on in the here and the now by focusing on 'why someone did something'. I was intellectualizing myself right into the funny farm. In reality, it was much less work to do damage control if I found someone's intentions to be wrong than letting my head spin around with 'They must have done it because....' nightmare. I have no idea why I do things sometimes. How can I possibly figure out why someone else is doing something without hearing what they say about it?

Maybe put your time and effort right now into figuring out what you REALLY wanted to say.do when your mother used to do that to you and do it with your t. That's healing. Spend energy on what you do want, not spinning around in circles about something you don't want.

 

[Supermoon2017]

The leap you're making here is one of those classic PTSD 1+1 = 67 things.

You're going from

Accident...

You are completely right. I realized over the past few days that it was black and white thinking. My mind had gone from -'He didn't take the time to think about me' straight to 'well clearly he doesn't care about me at all'. When in fact it's far more reasonable to think that ...yes, perhaps he cared for me ...made a human error and hurt me unintentionally ....and after it, all still cares for me. I know people can care about someone and still mess up. A person can care about someone and yet hurt them unintentionally. I guess part of this thinking is/was also based on the belief that maybe he didn't care 'enough' not to make the error in the first place and that if he had cared as much as I wanted him too then he wouldn't have made this kind of mistake. Again I can see in hindsight how this is distorted thinking. This likely goes back to knowing that, yes, my mother cared about me..I know that she did and that she does. But she just didn't/doesn't care 'enough' that it has stopped her from continuously hurting me. She didn't care 'enough' to get the help she needed with her addiction... I guess you could say that although she did care she didn't give me the amount of care that I wanted or needed! This is similar to what happened with my T in the sense that yes he may care for me but it was not to the level of care that I want(ed)... GIven his role as my T, he can't ever really give me that level of care though, can he...

 

[Supermoon2017]

I know that part of my healing has been to realize that stuff isn't always about me and I am being arrogant if I think it is.

Yes, I've also started to realize that things people do or don't do to me aren't always about me...I really don't think 'arrogant' is the right choice of words to use here though when I or someone does fall into the trap of feeling like it is. The use of arrogant actually really bothered me...As kids how could we not think that things that were done to us were not our fault? We didn't have the mental capacity or maturity to know or think otherwise. It makes sense that our brains still go this direction first when something happens to us as adults.

I also used to distract myself and my sense of actually feeling what was going on in the here and the now by focusing on 'why someone did something'. I was intellectualizing myself right into the funny farm. In reality, it was much less work to do damage control if I found someone's intentions to be wrong than letting my head spin around with 'They must have done it because....' nightmare. I have no idea why I do things sometimes. How can I possibly figure out why someone else is doing something without hearing what they say about it?

An interesting point here as I also do this a lot. Focusing on the why someone did something and intellectualizing it. It's like somehow if I can understand their reasoning for doing something then it helps to lessen the effect of it particularly if it's negative. I'm not sure this is always a bad thing though. Clearly, it is if it's just a distraction from having to feel whatever negative feeling they have evoked in me. Sometimes though understanding why a person said or did something can help so much to realising that it is not actually about me at all which can help me going down the path of negative self-talk.

Maybe put your time and effort right now into figuring out what you REALLY wanted to say.do when your mother used to do that to you and do it with your t. That's healing.

Yes, I might try this as I think you are right and that it may be helpful.

Thanks for your response it has helped me look at things even deeper and get even clear on some of my thoughts.

 

[shimmerz]

I really don't think 'arrogant' is the right choice of words to use here though when I or someone does fall into the trap of feeling like it is.

I wasn't at all directing the word arrogant towards you or anyone else, for that matter. It is a term I really despise.... therefore I used it to motivate me to find a different way of processing stuff that may or may not have had anything to do with me.

I have a friend right now that just dropped off of the face of the planet more than a month ago. I know she is out there. I know she is fine. However.... maybe I did something wrong and offended her ? Or (as grey thinking clicks in for me) maybe it is something totally unrelated to me. And actually, if it was related to me then it is up to her to speak her piece about it. So I am just sitting back and waiting. It's the new 'I can't give a shit unless you tell me' mode. I do this because if I let the stuff of others bother me then my stress is going to go through the roof.

These days I look like stress (or rather a lack thereof) as a form of currency for myself. If I can dodge stress and circular thoughts by handing it off then that is exactly what I am going to do.