I have had an interesting life – The one good thing I had going for me was the Army. It was a great place to learn that hard work, intelligence, and just plain striving for excellence paid off. Plus, I spent time in combat – being a true warrior. I’ve been wounded by enemy fire and have lost soldiers. Those things are always hard to deal with – and yes, I had and have recurring “memory dreams” where I would wake up in a panic reliving everything. For quite a while they subsided, but they are back with a vengeance. What I didn’t realize was just how deep my emotional connection to those events was and how the depth of emotions, regardless of where they sit and what event or person they are attached to, can all be connected.
Then, I met an amazing woman. I'd been out of the army for 2 years at that point and thought I was well adjusted. At the time, I was strong, confident, take charge, and really the “me” that I always thought I was and the man I wanted to be. We hit it off great. She was smart, independent, beautiful, challenging, physically and mentally tough, and she made me smile and laugh. As we got to know each other, I realized more and more how attracted to her I was – and not just physically (but damn – yes I was). We dated, had fun, and then as I became more emotionally invested in her, the demons of the fear of loss, the depth of emotion I hadn’t felt since being in battle – they slowly crept back into my head without me really realizing it. The deeper in love I fell with her, the scarier it got. That depth of emotion, that fear of losing someone so close to you – it changed me. It wasn’t her that muted me – it was MY reaction to the emotional attachment I made. I started regulating my responses, my actions, my words, I was afraid to let go of any self-control – I didn’t ever want to say anything that would upset her or push her away or make her think less of me. I never wanted her to be mad at me, so I tried too hard. I think we can all see where this is going. It had the completely opposite effect. It pushed her away because I changed and became too possessive, too guarded, and too afraid to let anything happen to her – I was always trying to make her happy to the point of suffocating her. As she so cleverly put it recently, I became a “helicopter-husband”. It makes no sense because she fell in love with the confident strong man who wasn’t afraid to rock the boat, but in my fear, I became the opposite. Somehow, my mind equated the fear of losing her to the helplessness and chaos of combat and losing soldiers and being able to do nothing about it, plus my young years as a “people pleaser” – so I did EVERYTHING I could not to jeopardize it. In my mind, she was my pillar and my strength and I was terrified (yes – terrified) to do anything to break that. You guessed it again - it had the opposite effect. We became more and more disconnected. The hardest part is, I wish I had recognized it earlier – that I had been able to equate the depth of emotions of both situations and then seen how my brain reacted. I wish I hadn’t been so afraid. Add on top of that that I work overseas and circumstance have made it so she can’t join me, so we spend too much time apart – plus we had so many other issues for the past few years that we never addressed this until recently. We both felt something was wrong, but we didn’t have the time or energy to deal with it or see it for what it was. Now its staring us in the face and at times it seems insurmountable. I know I can work on myself and am getting help for me. I just pray it’s not too late for her and that she can have the patience to stand by me as I rediscover the man I am and put some of these demons back in their box. She deserves the best man in the world and I hope I can be that man for her again.
The "Realization" moment came to me last week on Christmas Eve. I am currently working in the middle east and I was walking around (for 6.5 hours), thinking about how disconnected we are and how she said "she doesn't know what she wants" and "how disconnected we are". The more I walked - through throngs of Pakistanis, Afghanis. and Muslims in general - I worked myself into a complete rage - at her. Then a guy walked out of a shop behind me and said "Allah Akbar!" - Holy shit. I almost lost it. I spun around and the look on my face must've been MURDER. He dove back into the shop - and I realized - that event actually brought me down a notch. I didn't realize how deep the emotional attachment to my wife was - I knew I loved her, but that was the watershed moment when I realized the emotions and anger and fear were at the same level, if not higher.
It’s really hard to realize how deep some emotional scars run. Even when you think you’re doing fine, always be on the lookout. It creeps in so slowly – and even when you know something’s not right, it’s really hard to identify it. My best advice – as soon as you notice a change in yourself, talk to someone you trust to listen. For me, that should have been my wife. Don’t let your past or your demons spoil what you have. I want to be a better man than that and I know I can be.
Then, I met an amazing woman. I'd been out of the army for 2 years at that point and thought I was well adjusted. At the time, I was strong, confident, take charge, and really the “me” that I always thought I was and the man I wanted to be. We hit it off great. She was smart, independent, beautiful, challenging, physically and mentally tough, and she made me smile and laugh. As we got to know each other, I realized more and more how attracted to her I was – and not just physically (but damn – yes I was). We dated, had fun, and then as I became more emotionally invested in her, the demons of the fear of loss, the depth of emotion I hadn’t felt since being in battle – they slowly crept back into my head without me really realizing it. The deeper in love I fell with her, the scarier it got. That depth of emotion, that fear of losing someone so close to you – it changed me. It wasn’t her that muted me – it was MY reaction to the emotional attachment I made. I started regulating my responses, my actions, my words, I was afraid to let go of any self-control – I didn’t ever want to say anything that would upset her or push her away or make her think less of me. I never wanted her to be mad at me, so I tried too hard. I think we can all see where this is going. It had the completely opposite effect. It pushed her away because I changed and became too possessive, too guarded, and too afraid to let anything happen to her – I was always trying to make her happy to the point of suffocating her. As she so cleverly put it recently, I became a “helicopter-husband”. It makes no sense because she fell in love with the confident strong man who wasn’t afraid to rock the boat, but in my fear, I became the opposite. Somehow, my mind equated the fear of losing her to the helplessness and chaos of combat and losing soldiers and being able to do nothing about it, plus my young years as a “people pleaser” – so I did EVERYTHING I could not to jeopardize it. In my mind, she was my pillar and my strength and I was terrified (yes – terrified) to do anything to break that. You guessed it again - it had the opposite effect. We became more and more disconnected. The hardest part is, I wish I had recognized it earlier – that I had been able to equate the depth of emotions of both situations and then seen how my brain reacted. I wish I hadn’t been so afraid. Add on top of that that I work overseas and circumstance have made it so she can’t join me, so we spend too much time apart – plus we had so many other issues for the past few years that we never addressed this until recently. We both felt something was wrong, but we didn’t have the time or energy to deal with it or see it for what it was. Now its staring us in the face and at times it seems insurmountable. I know I can work on myself and am getting help for me. I just pray it’s not too late for her and that she can have the patience to stand by me as I rediscover the man I am and put some of these demons back in their box. She deserves the best man in the world and I hope I can be that man for her again.
The "Realization" moment came to me last week on Christmas Eve. I am currently working in the middle east and I was walking around (for 6.5 hours), thinking about how disconnected we are and how she said "she doesn't know what she wants" and "how disconnected we are". The more I walked - through throngs of Pakistanis, Afghanis. and Muslims in general - I worked myself into a complete rage - at her. Then a guy walked out of a shop behind me and said "Allah Akbar!" - Holy shit. I almost lost it. I spun around and the look on my face must've been MURDER. He dove back into the shop - and I realized - that event actually brought me down a notch. I didn't realize how deep the emotional attachment to my wife was - I knew I loved her, but that was the watershed moment when I realized the emotions and anger and fear were at the same level, if not higher.
It’s really hard to realize how deep some emotional scars run. Even when you think you’re doing fine, always be on the lookout. It creeps in so slowly – and even when you know something’s not right, it’s really hard to identify it. My best advice – as soon as you notice a change in yourself, talk to someone you trust to listen. For me, that should have been my wife. Don’t let your past or your demons spoil what you have. I want to be a better man than that and I know I can be.
