How Important Is The Therapeutic Relationship?

[Crow]

Yep. Relationship. Going back and re-attaching all that attachment disorder stuff. The modality is secondary and what works changes over time. Nothing works without that therapeutic trusting relationship.

 

[barefoot]

For me, the relationship is key. Of course, a therapist needs to know their stuff, have great skills to use/share and credible experience that informs their work - a 'good relationship' without the expertise probably isn't going to get you very far.

But I strongly believe that I couldn't 'do the work' if I didn't feel securely 'in relationship' with my therapist - no matter how high her level of experience, knowledge and expertise. If I hadn't felt a good connection with her from very early on, I think I'd have walked away from it after just a few sessions.

On the few occasions where we've had some bumps in the road ('ruptures in our relationship' my therapist likes to call it!) it has a massive impact on me and I have a tendency to then disengage with the work...but when we discuss it and spend time deliberately reconnecting and repairing those ruptures, it always really moves the whole work on. To progress the work without addressing what's happened in the relationship...I don't see that would work for me.

Trusting the process is also really key for me. But I don't think I could fully trust the therapeutic process if I didn't feel secure in the therapeutic relationship to start with.

 

[Deleted member 31177]

So as the title says really, for you personally how important is it? is it needed, is it the relation...

In my own personal experiences and with the Therapists/Psychologists I have had (which all but maybe 1 or 2 have contributed (along with many other traumas) to my diagnosed PTSD, I find Therapists absolutely USELESS and WAY prefer talking with a trusted friend; WAY more helpful and WAY more trusting! I will never, ever, ever go to another Therapist or Psychologist in my entire life - ever!! I've tried all kinds of therapy, too; i.e., EMDR, Biofeedback, the laying on the couch one, but I couldn't do it, so talked her into letting me face her and she ended up talking about her own stuff and was smiling the whole time (really freaky), I've tried Cognitive therapy, when i was 12, my very abusive mother took me to this disgusting Psychologist who one time took me into a "pillow-fighting" room and started to pillow fight trying to make me mad and as I was truly not becoming angry (my mom wouldn't let us get mad as she would abuse us or she would abuse us more (verbally, emotionally and physically), but HE was becoming truly mad with ME and started SPANKING me (I was 12 years old!) My mom was in the back of the room watching and crying - but STILL she ended up having a long affair with this dirt-bag WHILE she made me continue to see him as a Psychologist. I only remember the Pillow fight, all of my siblings dragging me to the car one morning to go see him and my mother, the artist, always painting him murals and beautiful paintings, oh, and his horrific breath because he would yell really loud right in my face, just like my mother would do.

Nope, no more therapists or Psychologists for me. I find my very loyal and trusted friends are SO much more helpful when going through the very hard times! And remember, your therapist/Psychologist/Psychiatrist can have you thrown into a hospital anytime they want! Don't forget that one!

 

[watundah]

It's critical for me as I hammer down my walls, connect, learn to trust. This is the primary reason why I am in therapy.

When I first started, my anxiety was so high, my defenses created a huge safety fort. I *wanted* to open up and let her in, but my behavior said, "Hell, no. Opening up is way more vulnerability than I can ever tolerate." Slowly, slowly, we're moving in the right direction.

My hope is that as our relationship develops, I can carry this trust into the outside world.

 

[Julie O']

I cant work out which would be best for me, I know I don't trust her, I know I have trust issues. i a...

Just in reading your words . . . if you are not trusting her, in my humble opinion and from my yeeeeeeeeeeeears of experience being in therapy (I'm 55) I would never go to someone I do not trust. I have always had trust issues as well.

At the same time, two that I entrusted with my life created severe trauma, well, one that happened years ago I haven't even soaked in yet it was so bad, but - well, nevermind about that I just have never taken in what he did - it wasn't towards me and all his clients loved him, still think he was the greatest Psychiatrist, but he did something horrific and he is no longer with us.

I just don't go to therapy anymore myself. When I did go, it was for the therapy. One therapist drew me into a transferrence situation which was one of my biggest traumas.

I'm sorry to be babbling so much. In short (ha ha ha), I do not go to therapy anymore because of my experiences that have created in me a total distrust of therapists.

What has been MUCH better for me is to talk with a REALLY trusted friend that you know you can really trust with your information and feelings and talk with them about your issues. MUCH better and safer as far as my experience has taken me! I trust no therapist or Psychiatrist ever again. (Still see a County Psychiatrist (they don't care about anything, so you just go get your regular meds for the next 90 days and that's it, no talking or anything because they really and truly don't care) and that's all I do. Otherwise, I talk to my Bible Study teachers and they are awesome to talk with and help.

 

[caramelmix]

thank you for all your replies. Had just the worst session earlier this week and its all up in the air. My therapist suggested we take a break that perhaps I am not ready to open up. that maybe the timing is wrong. I suffer from traits of what I would describe as complex ptsd and possibly avoidant personality disorder. these are not diagnoses as I am uninterested in labels buts its the easiest way to describe my typical symptoms.

Any way

I *wanted* to open up and let her in, but my behaviour said, "Hell, no. Opening up is way more vulnerability than I can ever tolerate."

This is exactly what happens it gets to the point where I physically cant speak think or feel anything. and I honestly don't know if its the whole therapy thing or this therapist being not a good match for me. she does not do anything I would call un ethical but I don't feel understood by her. and I am sensing she is not sure how to get through to me. although she has not said this.

 

[barefoot]

I *wanted* to open up and let her in, but my behavior said, "Hell, no. Opening up is way more vulnerability than I can ever tolerate."

This is exactly what happens it gets to the point where I physically cant speak think or feel anything.

I share these feelings/experiences too. There have been plenty of times where I have just sat completely shutdown for the best part of two hours - disengaged, mute (it's like my voice just gets hijacked), dissociated, not wanting to be in relationship with my therapist, so getting defensive and shutting her down too... As I said before, for me, the therapeutic relationship is absolutely key. But - that doesn't mean that, with a good therapeutic relationship in place, the work is going to be easy. You're still going to need to be ready before you can open up, express whatever you need/want to express and then be able to make more progress with your healing. It's a long, difficult journey and often there will be times where it feels like you've taken one pigeon step forward followed by 100 giant leaps backwards. I guess what I'm saying is that finding therapy hard, finding it difficult to speak/feel in session, finding the whole process exhausting/frustrating/unsatisfying/all sorts of other things at times is perfectly 'normal' and doesn't necessarily mean there's a problem with the therapist/the therapeutic relationship. That's just the nature of the work - especially trauma work.

Having said all that, this:

I don't feel understood by her

is more of a red flag for me... Do you know why it is that you don't feel understood by her? Is it something she's said/done that's made you feel that way? Do you feel like there is judgement from her? Does it feel like she is out of her depth experience-wise and that she therefore literally doesn't understand what's needed? Is it a general issue that you have with lots of people based on past experiences and it's therefore (probably very understandably) showing up with her? I think this is worth a conversation with her - exploring your feelings around being misunderstood by her. That conversation and her responses will hopefully end up shedding some more light on the relationship and may help to clarify whether or not you want to stick with her.