How Is A Supporter Supposed To Treat The Sufferer?

[Deo Juvante]

"Treat others as you would want to be treated" has always been my creed, but it seems im the only one. Which brings me to "how exactly is the spouse/supporter supposed to treat their spouse/sufferer?".

I suffer from combat related PTSD, but think I manage it fairly well (all things considered). There is only a few things that send me into the abyss, the worst is my wife/supporters inability or unwillingness to accept anything outside of her scope. This applies to all aspects of life. If anything is going to happen, it has to be on her terms and live up to her expectations or else. Some would call her a perfectionist.

Being a sufferer of PTSD, i tend to get down when triggered, and lose any motivation to be a "normal functioning member of society". Being married to a perfectionist has made me nothing more than target practice. She will get pissed off at me over the stupidest things [i.e. I dont clean, do laundry or the dishes right, having a different opinion on how our children are raised, wanting to have sex with her, not arguing back, and much more]. She doesn't hesitate at all to rashly let me know when im not living up to her expectations, even when our children, or friends are present. The only thing i can do to keep myself from flying off the hinges is to shut down, and eleviate myself from the situation. I've been told many times that its the best way to handle scenarios like these, and so far it has kept me alive and out of legal issues. There has been several times where i felt the line had been crossed, and packed my stuff to move out but was drawn back cause she said i was abandoning my kids and our family (I knew that wasn't true, but the words still resonated painfully). I've tried to explain things to her so she might not be as relentless with her personal attacks towards me, but it
seems the more i open up-the easier it is for her to inflict damage.

We've been together since july 16 2001, and married since march 20 2004. There have been good times too. She's my high school sweetheart that I'm still in love with. I cant tell you how much it hurts living day to day feeling like nothing i do is good enough for the person whose opinion of me matters most, now that I've "changed".

Doesthis sound like the typical sufferer/supporter relationship? Can Someone clue me in on how a supporter is supposed to handle their sufferer? I'm no Einstein, but I'm pretty sure my situation has become perpetually destructive. I need the power of advice and kind words to help me better understand how to balance things out right now, and get back on track. Thanks for your time.

Will acceptance come eventually, or am I looking at this backwards?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Dear God, HELL NO, this is NOT a "typical" sufferer/supporter relationship! Your wife is abusive and manipulative. I mean she treats you like crap and when you try to assert yourself as a human being worthy of respect, she makes you feel guilty?!? No, no, no.....!!!

You need to play hard ball. She knows you will cave and do things her way, simply because this is her pattern of behavior. You are teaching your children that they are supposed to accept this sort of behavior in relationships.

I suggest individual counseling for both of you as well as couples counseling. I think you need individual help because a marriage counselor typically works to save the marriage and won't necessarily be helpful in case your marriage can't be saved and your wife won't change.

It honestly makes me kind of sick that there are other sufferers out there who act like this. No wonder PTSD has such a bad rap!

Oh, and yes, I think you are looking at this backward. Why would acceptance just come eventually? Acceptance by you of this bad situation or acceptance by her that she's abusive? Either way, no, I don't see acceptance coming naturally.

Please put your foot down and stop accepting this abuse. She WILL push back, but it's all the more reason for you to stand your ground.

 

[Changing4Best]

I agree with Solara, be strong!

My hubby probably walked on eggshells, but he didn't abuse me at all, he understood that I was in some kind of state that made me fragile, even though he didn't know what it was. (How could he, even I didn't know what had happened to me in my early childhood!). When I did find out, I told him and he then kind of neglected me, watching too much TV. I told him I did not like this, but he continued, so I became a computer online addict. (Addictive behavior is quite common in PTSD).

Anyway, he died eventually, from complications and dementia after a massive stroke. I took care of him for about 5 years, then he had to go into a nursing home, as I had a breakdown at that point. It had been too much for me. (He was paralysed left side, in a wheelchair and I had to take care of it all, him, our business, our living quarters, etc.).

Back to you, a marriage is a give and take thing, each partner needs to give in sometimes and stand strong at other times when he or she knows they are right. Usually the husband is the final word on decisions that cannot be agreed upon. If that doesn't work, at least there needs to be some kind of compromise. Neither one of the partners is always right, neither one of them should always get their way as your wife seems to be doing. Don't give in all the time. Refuse, when you can and you know you are right. Stand firm!

Yes, she will balk at this, she will try all kinds of tactics: tears, anger, screaming, wiholding sex, etc. One thing you can try is to go away for a week and take a bag with you. Stay with a friend or at a motel and don't communicate to her during that time. When you are leaving, let her know that this will be a time for her to ponder what is happening after the heat of the moment has worn off. Give her time to simmer down, but realize you are giving yourself that time to do so also. Be sure to tell her you will be gone for that week no matter what. And keep separate bank accounts, in case she tries to take all the money during this time to "get even and try to take control again". Use this last as your last resort, only after she has been absolutely unwilling to see the truth, but make sure it is the truth before you decide to do this. And good luck, you will need it.

Make sure you have computer access daily, as you will need to ask advice of folks here about some specific decisions that need to be made.

 

[Justmehere]

I am a recovering perfectionist. I would get particularly perfectionistic about myself, and irritable and nitpicky with others whenever I had a lot of anxiety I wasn't dealing with directly. I'm not sure if that's what's going on for your wife...

One thing that something said to me once was, "what can I do so that you don't feel like you need things to be so perfect?" That question helped me get to the heart of the matter.

I totally agree with the recommendation for couples counseling, and she may need some support for herself. Maybe she's having a hard time adjusting to changes and need some help with that. I don't know….

So sorry you're dealing with her being such a jerk.

 

[scout86]

Dear God, HELL NO, this is NOT a "typical" sufferer/supporter relationship! Your wife is abusive and manipulative. I mean she treats you like crap and when you try to assert yourself as a human being worthy of respect, she makes you feel guilty?!? No, no, no.....!!!

Solara, I literally laughed out loud, and nearly drown the computer with coffee in the process. I realize this isn't really funny, but you've outdone your eloquent self.

Deo Juvante, this really sounds like it's WAY more her than you. I realize we've only heard your version. I was married for 12 years to a guy that my therapist says was either a psychopath, a narcissist, or both. My ex is dead (I didn't do it!), so my therapist has never actually met him. After 12 years, I realized things weren't working. When I tried to express that, hoping we could fix things, I found out that things were working just fine, FOR HIM. Why would he want to change? Sound at all familiar? He thought there was a problem alright, but the problem, in his mind was ME.

In answer to your question, no, this doesn't sound like a typical "supporter/sufferer" relationship as much as it sounds like a typical bad marriage. Actually, if there's a "supporter" here at all, it's YOU. You get to play both roles. How fun! You know, you could try marriage counseling... I've gotten to be kind of a cynic about these situations, I'd almost suggest that you save the money to hire a good lawyer.

 

[Never Give Up]

Yes, she will balk at this, she will try all kinds of tactics: tears, anger, screaming, wiholding sex, etc. One thing you can try is to go away for a week and take a bag with you. Stay with a friend or at a motel and don't communicate to her during that time.

As a supporter I had to finally move out for a few weeks while I got myself back to feeling human again. My wife feels that I am her "trigger" and I am the blame for how she feels. She had written me a letter to not contact her by email, texts or by phone. I have a strong religious belief about marriage (see my avatar) and there needs to be a time when the manipulation needs to stop and the supporter needs to protect themselves from the chaos. I know everything is all new to me and my wife will not seek help. She feels I am in denial....I may be. The denial is the fact that the past 21 years of marriage was wonderful and now she is a shell of herself.
Since I moved out and live with my parents....I do feel guilt that my kids are home and I am not there now. There had been a almost legal situation that happened to me that was going to be a felony which my wife was trying to create. So moving out was the only immediate option at that time. I would recommend it to anyone in a bad situation, but just for a few weeks.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think perfectionism can centre around a need to feel in control. I would recommend developing that which brings you peace and happiness, and trying to roll with it a bit. You may find that a different response from you to her demands will effect change long-term.

I respect what the others have said here, I agree as well. But I've been in funny circumstances, where with no option really to leave, I have miraculously over time (and with prayer and resources) seen my environment (and others') change to an almost absence of physical abuse, a reduction in emotional or verbal abuse (and definitely a tone-down in it), and even love where there was hatred and fear.

Standing up for yourself without fighting (matter of fact), not getting de-railed in your own plans helps too. Is she drinking or in another way can you think of she may feel her life is out of control? (Perhaps that she is hiding?)

 

[Meadowsweet]

Sadly, from what I read in the supporters section, it seems all to common for a spouse of a person with PTSD to try to combat it by becoming more demanding, as if they think if they shout loud enough or guilt trip their partners enough, PTSD will simply disappear. Then when the sufferer isolates so as not to react to them, they complain about that they don't know why. Sorry, my little rant, but I really feel for you.

On the other hand, your wife may be demanding and dominating whether you had PTSD or not. I think, as supporter or sufferer people need to be in charge in their own lives, and not in try to control other people. you know what's best for your health and I think to be the best Dad you can be, remaining healthy is the most important thing - not staying with someone who is risking your health.

There are people who seem to have healthy relationships and PTSD. But, if you did decide to leave, then it might be an idea to have a therapist that can help you deal with the fall out of it maybe.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes. She may also be feeling that you have been detached because of the ptsd (I say that as a sufferer, no condemnation).

We used to have a saying in my house when a job is done, "good enough for Government work". :) It doesn't even have to make sense. Or, say, how clean the house is at the moment, "Home and Gardens isn't coming over today". In other words, to lighten up.

Have you tried breaking the tension with something she likes, a surprise? Flowers, b/fast in bed, doing a job that she will not have to do (taking out the garbage, etc, something that can't be criticisized so easily?) Sounds like intimacy is dwindling for the moment?

 

[Barconian]

(taking out the garbage, etc, something that can't be criticisized so easily?)

I took out the garbage and lost my bin the other night, It went "poof" gone... I think the garbage truck ate it :(