How It's Supposed To Be

[shimmerz]

But wasn't.

Just wondering how this makes people feel? Does it give you the 'feeling' of how mother/baby should have been? Can you use it as an image to feel what it should have been?

 

[kona355]

Wow

 

[Chava]

OMG!!!! :inlove::joyful::):hug: I love that so much! It's so natural too, the focus on the little one and consistent and gentle care. But there are animals in the wild that also suck and abandon or eat their babies. I think the trick is for the little one who survives that situation to find out that they are still lovable and deserve life and care.

I'm not angry at my mom and that's not because I feel like I can't be. I could. I don't even feel really sad about this lack of connection. I think there were many cards stacked against us and it's just too bad. I'm focused on taking care of myself now...and it feels good to give this sort of care and attention and love to my pets, but I'll admit sometimes I'm just feeding them and barely noticing them.

The challenge to stay connected is bizarre for me. But when I can do it, it feels really true and good and peaceful (at the level of having just spans of a few minutes at a time like this). My therapist helps with this too, but it is also hard to accept or feel her caring connection sometimes (in her work she's also able to put her hand gently on my back or shoulder, but she always asks first). I can only tolerate and process this in little bits...maybe why I don't have regret over how-it-wasn't. Warmth and care coming from other adults in my life as a child felt confusing. I'd freeze if I was hugged. I also felt weird about anyone even being interested in me or friendly. No wonder I'm a f*cking hermit.

But anyway, how it was is all I know...BUT that I can feel myself die of sweetness a little when I see this reminds me that I'm deeply human and can feel how good that must feel. It's just very sweet to see, too. Thanks!!!

 

[Chava]

@shimmerz I just edited the crap out of that post (compulsive forum editor)

 

[Chava]

p.s. I've mostly worked as free lance musician and higher ed, but when I've worked with little ones I've noticed I can be really kindly attentive and gentle...that feels nice and really lovely to know that's in me (probably I learned this from my teachers or something...nobody even sticks out, but it wasn't all shit and I'm definitely not a bad person).

 

[shimmerz]

I've worked with little ones I've noticed I can be really kindly attentive and gentle...that feels nice and really lovely to know that's in me

I think that is the idea of this posting. I don't think we always remember that we have that in us.... I just melted when I saw this, and I think one of the most important things (for me) is to remember that I DO have these feeling and can express them. Good for visualization and remembering that we are not ALL bad.

So happy you connected @Chava. :hug:

 

[Chava]

I DO have these feeling and can express them. Good for visualization and remembering that we are not ALL bad.

It was really these feelings that got me finally questioning and feeling bad about how self-destructive I was...like WHY did I deserve that, why couldn't I be compassionate towards myself if I could have such good feelings towards others? I could see I was a good person, but hell bent on destroying myself and something would fall apart any time I tried to make changes on my own. I was in so deep. But seeing that little inner spark, love, sensitivity, heart center, or whatever really started the long and winding road of healing. Until I noticed that I was blindly willing to destroy myself.

 

[shell]

It's a gorgeous video and for some strange reason I don't miss that connection I never had, maybe because I accept there is no possibility of bonding with an evil witch. It's not that I didn't deserve that connection but acceptance that she isn't capable of it because of her own issues.

It makes me happy that I was able to bond to my son and he didn't miss out on that connection as a baby because of my issues.

 

[scout86]

Does it give you the 'feeling' of how mother/baby should have been?

Yes, I think so.

Can you use it as an image to feel what it should have been?

I can see how that would make sense........ But I can't imagine being on the receiving end of that kind of attention. I've told my T, it's interesting watching families that look like they have good relationships. But I always feel a bit like I'm an alien anthropologist, observing a completely different species. There's no real connection at all. And maybe that's ok. You can't miss what you've never had?

 

[Chava]

interesting watching families that look like they have good relationships. But I always feel a bit like I'm an alien anthropologist, observing a completely different species.

Yes, there's that feeling too! ("alien anthropologist" seems perfect) :laugh::alien::alien::alien: