Relationship How Long Do I Wait?

[kezzanezza]

I posted a thread on here a while ago asking what the best thing to do about my BF who has combat ptsd and has completely cut me off. The advice was to let him be and wait until he feels well enough to contact me, which is what I've done.

Trouble is, how long do I wait?? I have had absolutely no contact now for 2 weeks. His phone is switched off. He could be dead for all I know. He was meant to attend a residential counselling programme last week, but when I called them to see if he had attended they told me he never showed. It's gone beyond me fretting over our relationship (if you can call it that) and now I'm just concerned for him as a human being. I know for a fact he has to be out of his current address next week and when that happens I will literally have no way of contacting him (save for the phone which is never on). The thought of never seeing him again and wondering if he is alright is destroying my head. I don't know whether to march over to where he lives and fight for him or just pretend I never met him and get on with my own life. Ugh, help.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

I went to my sufferer after 2 months silence and I believe my idea of fighting for him was his idea of an ambush. And although he said he wasn't done with me and I left, I now haven't heard from him in 8 months. Be careful how you choose. When someone with PTSD wants space, they want space. He may never come back, I don't know. When I'd go on with my life, my guy would come back (7 weeks once and once 3 weeks). When I panicked, I lost him. And it was the fear of if he was ok that broke me. So, I understand.

I hope for the best for you.

 

[desiderata310]

@kezzanezza, I have PTSD. I have pulled out of so many relationships/ pushed people away who cared so much. It's as much a panic thing as it is anything else. I also know that I am not good for anyone right now so I tend to push folks away as soon as I sense they want something more than just a friend. I immediately withdraw. It's mostly for me but in some small sense it's for them too.

Check on him if you can to make sure he's physically ok and walk away. I ONLY say that (please don't panic I am not normal) because I tend to shut down and shut people out when I get to a bad spot. He may be ok but just needing more space than a relationship can accommodate.

 

[keifer]

My heart goes out to you.

I destroyed my relationship with a girl who I still have feeling for but haven't talked to her since Sept last fall.

 

[Snowangel1225]

I have had absolutely no contact now for 2 weeks. His phone is switched off. He could be dead for all I know.

Is there a friend or family member you can contact that would know? Or that could go and check on him? At least that way you would know he is physically ok. My sufferer isolated for a couple of weeks but still stayed in contact via text occasionally so I knew he was ok even if he didn't say much of anything. Then he started talking about killing himself and went completely no contact for 24 hours. I tried texting and calling (a minimal amount because I didn't want to overwhelm him) and got no response. After 24 hours, I sent a text saying if he didn't contact me in some way or form by a certain time, I was going to call the police and have them do a welfare check on him. He did respond to that....wasn't happy with me, but at least he responded. I just needed to know. Shortly after that he ended the relationship and we didn't have any communication for 4 months. We are now talking again (a little) and have spent some time together but on a strictly friend basis. It may never be more than that.

So, my suggestion to you is to see if you can find a way to confirm that he is at the very least alive even if he's not talking directly to you. At that point, move on with your life. Go out, spend time with friends, do things you enjoy. He might come back...he might not. But you aren't going to win any good girlfriend awards by putting your life on hold and waiting for something that may or may not ever happen. Looking at it from his point of view, I would have a hard time respecting someone who valued herself so little as to shut her life down to sit and wait. Not to mention, it's a lot of pressure for him to know that you are centering his life around him.

 

[kezzanezza]

First of all, thanks for all your replies. They are a great help and comfort to me. My heart goes out to all, as you've all suffered in your own way. Snowangel1225, what complicates my situation horribly is that I can't physically contact him as it may risk him going back to jail.

I'll explain briefly: We met when he was in prison and I worked there. We got on so well we arranged to meet upon his release. In my naivety I thought it would be OK but turns out if you do my job you are not allowed to fraternise with ex-prisoners as well as current prisoners. We continued seeing each anyway as we fell in love, but I started looking for another job as soon as I found I was doing wrong so that we could be open about our relationship and he could inform his probation officer about us. Part of his licence conditions means he has to disclose to his probation officer any new relationships he forms, but he was unable to do this as it meant jeopardising my job, so he had to keep our relationship a secret for my sake (I think the stress of this is probably a part of why he's had a meltdown). I can't contact his probation officer or any of the mental health workers who help him as to enquire about him as to do so exposes our relationship and thus puts him back in jail for breaking his licence conditions.

As you can see, very, very complicated. I just worry constantly but there's nothing I can do. I'm not really looking for advice, I suppose, though any that comes my way is welcome. You probably all think I'm mad for pursuing the relationship in the first place, considering I've put both my job and his liberty on the line.

 

[Snowangel1225]

Well, I hate to say this, but those rules are put there for a reason. You and he are playing with fire (as well as his freedom and mental health) so I would suggest you end this and move on. Sorry.

 

[kezzanezza]

You're right and I suppose I knew it from the start. I think I just I needed someone to say it. I'll leave him be and just hope he finds his way. Thank you again.