How Long Do I Wait?

[Yunie]

I recently posted that my former boyfriend/room-mate/best friend totally cut me out of his life, for reasons unknown to me. I'm fairly certain it's because his PTSD(since he has done this to family members numerous times), but I had a couple questions, since I don't want to be cut forever. He won't even let me drop off some of his stuff, in case he sees me. How long do I wait to contact him? I know if I do it too soon, he won't respond (and probably just get madder). How should I do it? Letter, text? And what should this correspondence contain? Thanks in advance...my heart is still broken, but it is mending.

 

[Friday]

Personally, I wait until *I'm* not upset anymore. Once I can handle their reaction no worries (whether it's swept into arms and tumbled into bed... Or told to go f*ck myself... Or cricket cricket deafening silence), then I act. If I'm upset about their isolation? I leave them the hell alone. If I would fall apart if they lashed out, or get furious if they were all smiles and f*cking happy to see me? Ditto. Spoiling for a fight or an apology? Nope. Not gonna light that fuse. I need to go sort myself, first. Once I'm fine, and it doesn't matter how they react? Then I go poke the bear with a stick. :sneaky:

 

[KwanYingirl]

If you want to clear out his belongings, can you take them to his mothers house?

 

[Yunie]

If you want to clear out his belongings, can you take them to his mothers house?

I found a way to drop off his stuff without him having to see me. It is just hard to fathom why he going do out of his way to not see me.

 

[Yunie]

That sounds like a really good rule. That way if he continues to ignore me, I Don't have to find my happiness at the bottom of a gallon of ice cream. Gotta watch the figure.

Personally, I wait until *I'm* not upset anymore. Once I can handle their reaction no worries...

 

[Justmehere]

It is probably painful for him to see you, and it's probably a way to keep you at a distance and not have stressful awkward interactions.

 

[Yunie]

It is probably painful for him to see you, and it's probably a way to keep you at a distance and not...

He likes to pretend that he doesn't have emotions, so it's hard for me to understand this, but I'm sure you're right. I just have to remember he puts on a strong face, but he's still a person.

 

[Justmehere]

I used to be terrified of my emotions and either didn't feel them or tried to pretend they were not there.

If I allowed myself to cry or feel, yen I would have to face how badly I was hurt and continue to hurt now. It took a long time before I was ready enough and safe enough and supported enough to do that.

Someone who "pretends" they have no emotions after trauma is often trying to escape the pain. Denial is a way to cope with pain. It can be hard to understand, but denial is a someone isn't ready or strong enough or willing to face what is hurting them.

Numbness itself is also a symptom of PTSD. It can show up as dissociation or in other ways. He may actually really not be feeling the things that others would feel.

It could also just be that he's a cold bastard, but I'm guessing you wouldn't like him so much if he was.

Even though I mysel have been numbed out And I understand what can cause this,, I also have known very exquisite and frustrating and deep pain that came from getting emotionless responses from others.

How are things going for you emotionally as you handle this?

 

[Yunie]

I used to be terrified of my emotions and either didn't feel them or tried to pretend they were not t...

This explanation actually helped a lot. He does have problems with denial because he acts like all the sweet stuff he's done never happened. It makes me feel crazy. I'm dealing day by day. I still miss him terribly and wish we could still be friends. I go from one day saying "forget it!" to days when I wake up (after dreaming about him) and just want to cry and take back whatever I did (which people keep having to reassure me is nothing). I see him driving to work about every day (he works just down the road from me and lives very close). I'm at that point where I'd like to move on, but the thought of being with anyone else just makes me nauseous.