Hi Cdg and everyone. My husband has only in recent years been able to acknowledge his trauma that stemmed from his parents not even wanting him to be born. At the age of 33 he had a total breakdown after numerous suicide attempts. The edited version is that we met and married and he is trying to hard to find some purpose, meaning and direction in his life. He has no work, no income, no loving family, no close friends.
People are put off by his tattoos on his body, words that call out in pain and confusion. Words on flesh to reflect the pain in his very soul. He doesn't think he functions at all. He suffers from panic attacks, confusion, anxiety, flashbacks, nightmares, insomnia, mood swings, deep depression and despair, lack of hope, guilt, self-hate etc. He is so accident prone, has colds and flu every so often, has bodily pains and symptoms. Feels totally physically and mentally unwell most of the day and night. He cannot understand how I even can bear to be around him sometimes. He withdraws often into the little spare bedroom and lies on the bed or on the floor in a ball of tension, rocking himself, or crying.
He feels like a useless husband, and hates himself for how he is. In the "everyday, normal world", those who are lucky enough to have had a relatively uncomplicated childhood and a life devoid of trauma and crisis, all of this type of behaviour and emotional instability would be labelled as "not functioning". In my humble opinion, this is not so at all. Just to have survived such terrible things and deep injury to one's very soul, means so much. To be hanging on and continuing to try to make sense and find purpose and meaning in a crazy and cruel world, just to hang on when everything just seems too unbearable: that to me means "functioning" under the most adverse of circumstances in a world which is largely not a compassionate or healing place.
