How much can I really do?

[willhealeventually]

I am a teacher and took last few weeks of school as medical leave. My ptsd flared up and I went through 3 weeks of a day program. My meds are set. I have a therapist. My money runs out in two months and there are debts.
So, like any responsible single mother of 2, I began a job search. I reached out to a career adviser at my alma mater and got good tips for a new line of work. I am also trying to wrap up my masters degree with a last course. I signed up for an online course for my new prospective job.
Today, I couldn’t wake up. My son got himself ready for school, which he doesn’t normally do. I stayed in bed until 2 and haven’t been able to get up.
I had nightmares about my mother - I was trying to tell her that I didn’t have bipolar, I had ptsd - which she us responsible for. She is not actually responsible for my trauma, I just think I hold her responsible for not protecting me.
I know I am a mess. Mostly, I have no energy. And - I can’t wake up, which is essential for any job not to mention motherhood.
How am I going to do this? Believe me, I’ve scoured the job market - my options are limited. I know I can’t go back to teaching - the dysfunction of the job is too triggering. I can’t even pull it together to study because I need a day after to recover.
I try to put on a straight face for my kids. I wonder how my face looked when I couldn’t wake up this morning and my younger one was trying to wake me up....
And this with all the medical support I’m getting.

 

[blackemerald1]

You sound so practical and sensible.

My meds are set. I have a therapist.

Good... well done for that but I would be getting a review bc being unable to wake could be due to the meds? Are you getting to bed at a good hour in the first place?

Today, I couldn’t wake up.

^Is this the first time that you found yourself unable to wake? Or is there a pattern?

I had nightmares about my mother -

^That's a good topic for the therapist imo.

Mostly, I have no energy.

^If this is not normal I'd be checking out the meds or exploring depression bc that can floor the most motivated of souls and you do certainly sound like you are motivated.

I like your plan about getting your Masters and finding alternative employment if teaching is no longer an option.

Good luck! :)

 

[Mach123]

Yeah, this is how I am. I can do a lot of things and I can be busy and work sorta. But mostly I can't do much of anything.

I sucks to say that but that's how it is. I can kinda hang around medicating myself and cleaning the house and going grocery shopping I mean I do a lot, I have 2 handicapped adult daughters I get back and forth to programs. I act nice and try to be friendly and accommodating but I don't "produce"much which I guess means "accumulating wealth."

But there anre a million things to do that aren't getting done and now I have cancer.

The orthopedist was lecturing me yesterday and I was like yes yes. She says " you know all this." I was like yep I do.

But a lot of times I have to lie down. That's all I can do right then. So I understand how you feel. It's the way it is. What am I going to do? (I need money too) idk. Screwing around online, sell stuff on eBay, Not much same as I've always done. But a lot, same as I've always done.

My cptsd is always flared up. I've been on here talking about feeling better and I do but I've eliminated most triggers (people.). I'm sort of a recluse. I just can't deal with people at all. My symptoms are very severe.

I just try and tell myself things will be ok and keep going. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't work. Then I lie down.

I hope you feel better.

 

[willhealeventually]

@Mach123 I am so sorry - you are a caretaker and are dealing with cancer... I can’t imagine how tired you must feel.
I understand about getting rid of people as triggers. People are triggering to me too - especially in large numbers, crowds.
I spoke to my therapist yesterday about the oversleeping and discovered that I oversleep the day after I “overdo” it - that is, do more than I can. The other thing I learned is that I get tired emotionally because of the flashbacks, dealing with my ex who left me in a very angry way, and feeling doubt that I can take care of my kids and myself.
I also have nightmares that leave me drained.
My T said that ptsd is “very treatable”. I’m like “well, let’s do it because I could really use the ability to have control over my responses just about now.” She said it takes time.
Ugh... I am looking for jobs and it’s so important to show up on time to those, I can’t afford to be late - part of the reason why teaching is a problem for me. Early mornings I don’t do well with.
But it’s a good point that dealing with the emotional drain of fight/flight body chemistry is draining. I understand better why I am so tired, but I can’t speed up the healing. My T is pretty vague about what I can expect and when. She just tells me we are doing the work. She has been very good and I’ve come a long way in the last month of intensive therapy.
She said “when you get this tired, ask yourself what happened the day before to drain you emotionally.” Turns out I “forgot” to tell her that I had a parent-teacher meeting for my son and my ex showed up last minute to the meeting. I handled it well during the meeting, but collapsed afterwards. I hadn’t been in the same room with him in nearly a year. And the next day I couldn’t wake up.
I have a history of psychosomatic seizures and passing out at work. That was before my ptsd was diagnosed. Now it makes sense that I just shut down when the stress gets overwhelming. It’s not physical tiredness, but mostly emotional and chemical from the stress running through the body.
I wish you well @Mach123 ...

 

[Mach123]

It's a long process! You don't like to say that but my first therapists said it to me. My first trauma therapist passed me along she said "I'm going to retire and you are going to be a big long project. Lol. I can laugh now it's five years later and here I am but whatever the costs, especially to the people around me I have improved. A lot.

I'm not a morning person though either but I get up every day around 5:00. I managed that finally by going to bed most nights by 8:30.