Relationship How Much Do You Tell The Children?

[Coffeechick]

Hi All,

I was wondering if anyone has any advice on what to tell your child about her Fathers Ptsd.

My step-daughter is 14 and has issues herself ( she has been in therapy and I have been told that she is doing well but using this as an attention issue). She knows her Dad has Ptsd but is not aware of how bad it is. He has been suicidal since January this year. He uses alcohol as his means to "self medicate". She was living with us but due to the fact that he didn't get up before she left for school ( I was at work) and was never home when she got back from school I spoke to everyone involved in the care of her and my partner and I took her to her Mum's. At first she was angry but this was what she wanted anyway, to build a better relationship with her Mum. That is going well.

The problem I have is while she is a child and has issues, how do I explain what is happening to her without her then turning his problems to her own. She is an intelligent child and has looked up ptsd but is now not talking to her Father. I might add that he has not contacted her either. I can't get him to talk to her or to text or phone. We found out that she had been lying to her friends, family and basically anyone who would listen for years. It was not just white lies but lies that could have got someone locked up or to lose there job. I have cancer don't you know. To find out just how much she had been lying has ripped out his heart. And because of his ptsd he is not able to communicate with her or deal with anything to do with her.

Believe me I have tried to get them both to talk to one another but to no avail. Behind his back she is moaning, complaining, running him down etc and yet if she sees him she just doesn't say anything and so the cycle continues. She came to live with us because her mum wasn't looking after her. During the time with us she said her mum never bothered with her. We found this to be a lie. Her mum would contact her and she chose to ignore it and her other extended family. Thus we got the blame. This has now been addressed.

Her Father has only just accepted that he needs help and is in a state of tumbling mess. He doesn't eat, sleep properly, all the normal stuff. I have explained to him why I took his daughter back. It was not fair for her to see him like this and also not fair that her needs were not being met. He now just says she is better of without him.

What do I do? How much do I say? She thinks he is just being an ar***ole ( sorry ) and that he just wants to go out drinking. She doesn't know how truly bad things are. It's a struggle every day to get him to just get out of bed. And other days it's pure hell. I see her alot and spend time with her but how do I get him to do the same? He says he can't stand to be around her because of the lies that continually keep coming out of her mouth. He says he's ashamed. I keep trying to tell him that she obviously has issues herself and they need to be sorted. He just says he can't cope with it and let her mother sort it.

Any advice would be gratefully received. Sorry if I've rambled.

 

[Purplemunchkin]

Hi Coffeechick

No advice I'm afraid, but your situation sounds spookily familiar.

My OH's 16 year old daughter sounds very similar. She too went back to live with her Mum (although she is now with her maternal grandparents), and there have been many lies. She has chosen to cut all ties with her father and has changed her surname.

He is devastated and his coping mechanism has been to outwardly disown her. She actually became a stressor to him, and his most recent hospitalisation was partly in reaction to hearing some of the (incredibly vicious) lies she has told about him and his family.

Good luck, I hope your situation has a positive resolution.

 

[Coffeechick]

Thank you for your reply. Unfortunately she was one of his stressors but he now just dismisses it and says she is better of without him. It's a very difficult situation. I only wish that she had a mum who would understand and help her but if and when her mum finds out what is wrong with him that will make the situation worse. She goads him already enough. ( we all live in the same town) . I have just spoke with his brother and asked that the family at least try and help me with this as I cannot do this alone. He gets up late and then goes to the pub everyday. It's his escape. But now we are thousands of pounds in debt and he is oblivious to all of it. Sometimes you just want to run yourself but I am not made that way. Finding this forum has helped me tremendously though and I for one am very grateful for that.

 

[Red Feather]

I found this link really helpful when faced with the task of talking to my kids about my ptsd. Maybe it will help.

Link Removed

 

[DMerish]

Long story short, a family member told me about my mother's condition and I have always sort of held it against them. I realized this after watching the movie "The Descendants" - I was the little girl in that movie, and now I understand why some information is better left to "professionals" or another person that is not close to the recipient of the news. Just my $0.02.

Can you ask your step-daughter's therapist what she thinks?

 

[Coffeechick]

I did ask her and she said she thought it was best not to tell her how suicidal he is and not to go into too much detail about what he's like, how he is / is not coping. This is sound advice I agree but how can I make her see that he does love her and that it's not her. I have explained this till I'm blue in the face but she won't have none of it. And she also says that he is playing on it and making excuses. She even says " prove to me what he's like and what he's saying/ doing etc" and of course I cannot tell her this. So. Back to square one!

She thinks he doesn't want to get better and that he just wants to go to the pub and the reality is I am trying daily to keep him from killing himself.

His first appointment is in two weeks for therapy and I told her this and she dismisses it and says " what's the point". I just don't know what else to say to her and now she is telling her friends that he has ptsd and how long is it going to be before someone says something to him? He will be horrified. He has only just accepted his illness and wants to only tell those he has to. He also feels ( rightly so) that it is his choice as to when and whom.

I have found out this evening ( via her facebook) that she is telling her friends that he is mental and that he only cares about himself amongst other dreadful things. Her friends are now all asking how she is? What they can do for her etc. all this is what she wants. That stems from not having a close relationship with her mum. One of her friends mum rang me today worried about her scho uniform! She has said that her father is refusing to help and that she doesn't feel it's right to ask her mum. Jeez. Her uniform has been bought. She has everything. What do I do?

 

[nomedic1]

I tell them, everything I can. I try and keep on their level.

 

[cavy]

Hi coffeechick & Purplemunchkin. I am sending you both hugs because I also have had problems with my kids & empathise with you both.

PTSD can if the trauma started early enough cause ifferently than that of a non traumatised person. Depression which goes hand in hand with PTSD van be caused by a

 

[cavy]

Hi coffeechick & Purplemunchkin. I am sending you both hugs because I also have had problems with my kids & empathise with you both.

PTSD can if the trauma started early enough cause the brain to be wired differently than that of a non traumatised person. Depression which goes hand in hand with PTSD can be caused by a inbalance of chemicals in the brain which maybe you know already.

There are unhealthy coping strategies of which drinking is but one of many.

My daughter was extremely angry (this hasn't completely gone away) and blamed herself for my PTSD, this is a normal reaction for a child. She also now has issues herself, has unhealthy coping strategies & I blame myself for letting her down by being ill - I know this is not logical but my emotions don't always listen to logic!!

I have managed to improve things by making sure that when I speak to her I say something like "it would really help if you would.... & " I can see that this situation must be very hard for you" it is important to acknowledge how she is feeling, to validate it. It will take time and you may have to do this repeatedly as I am sure she must be feeling scared, confused and in denyal of her Dad's PTSD. I may be wrong but it sounds like she is trying to understand what is going on with her Dad but it is making her angry and frightened. As to the lies it seems to me that she is desperate for attention (which is not a thing that is bad it is perfectly natural in the circumstances). So that maybe why she lies, puts her Dad down so that her friends support her.

My daughters behaviour when at its worst can be a huge trigger for me, it is very stressful. I can understand why her Dad thinks it is better that they don't see each other, he maybe trying to protect her as he is very bravely acknowledging his problems which is a difficult thing to do.

When you don't understand something it is a normal reaction to be scared of it. I wouldn't tell her about his suicidal thoughts or actions (hopefully there aren't any). I would recommend however that if her Dad has been traumatised in the past and he is willing for her to know that fact without going into details then tell her. Children aren't stupid and when they are as intelligent as she is then she could be putting 2 & 2 together & making 6000!!! That is why it is so important to be open and honest with her.

Has he sought help for his drinking problem because this has to be tackled first before delving into the cause of it. It is a hard road to go down so with professional help I am sure he can do it. I know of many people who have turned their lives around this way so there is hope.

My daughter also refused therapy!! It is only helpful when she is ready for it.

As to her Mum being involved if it is going to have a negative effect ie. not calm and supportive and most important of all not blaming either party, then I would not recommend it. If however she can be healthily supportive then why not.

If it helps tell them about parts of this post that may benefit them.

She is so lucky to have someone who is prepared to support and help her through this. I sincerely hope that this helps, I know from experience how distressing, confusing and upsetting it can be.

Best wishes to you all and remember you have support on here. :)

 

[Coffeechick]

Thank you for your reply. It has made an awful lot of sense.

I cannot tell her too much because she uses the information given and turns it all around so that it is about her. She now is saying she can't sleep, she keeps hating herself and that she wants to kill herself. She has also started taking pictures of her friends when talking to other people and stores them for later use. She copies and pastes her text messages ( only where somone is saying or moaning about someone else). I am finding all this a little out of my depth.

She has even started taking pictures of her mum's spirit bottle. ie. it was bought on a Sunday, this is now Tuesday and this is how much she has drank. I just wish I could get her to address these issues she has with her parents. But she will not do it. He did call her last night and she was bubbly and laughing because she had a friend there and couldn't get off the phone quick enough. I feel like banging both of their heads together.

Her mum is not a maternal person and is of no use whatsoever with regard to this. She just lets her get on with it and doesn't parent. It really is a very difficult situation. But I have to hope, after all without hope what is left.

Thank you all so much for the input. It truly helps to know other peoples views and that I am not alone in this.:)

 

[cavy]

Hi,

Sleep problems & suicide idealation, both my girls had one of these problems each.

It's such a tough road to go down, hang in there you will get through it, situations change with time & as lovely as they are teenagers don't stay teenagers for ever.:wideeyed: What a thought hey!!!:)

From my experience time is the key, frustrating to say the least I know. Another idea I had is that if you feel it is right ask her how her behaviours make her feel. I may be wrong here but she may be angry at everyone so that could be why she is taking photos to send text messages. When I am going through a particularly difficult time hearing a friend moaning about someone when it is really insignificant compared to what I am going through. I feel very angry inside, angry at the people who seem to think their problems are far worse than anyone elses.

I didn't have a Mum, she died when I was very little, when at school if anyone complained about theirs then I would be really angry, yet being a teenager couldn't quite put my feelings into perspective. :bored::mad:

I didn't have a Mother roll model by which to learn how to be a Mum - I came from an extremely disfunctional familly - so though I tried so hard to be a good Mum it really wasn't working and got very bad indeed. Accepting that I was not being a good mother was a very difficult thing to admit to. I was given the opportunity to attend parenting classes, I had nothing to loose, they were so helpful in teaching me to be a caring, effective parent to stop the generational cycle of bad parenting that I experienced. Perhaps her Mum had disfunctional parenting, or is totally at a loss as to how to be a parent, feels out of her depth, overwhelmed (as I am sure you can relate to), blames herself the list could go on. It would be so much easier if each baby we had, arrived with a book containing all the information that I learn't from parenting classes!!;)

As to the bottle of alcohol, I think there maybe a connection between her Dad's problem with alcohol and her feelings about it being projected onto her Mum. It is a shame that she is so open about all of this stuff to her friends, yet on the other hand she has friends who are willing to support her. My daughter didn't, yet she has come through this with more insight than a lot of her peers would as they didn't have the same experiences that she had.

It can be so hard to see the positives in difficult situations that life throws at us, but it does make us stronger. There is always more that one way of looking, approaching and dealing with problems no matter how bad they may be.

I am going through a really rough patch at the moment, I won't go into details but suffice to say my life is coming crashing down around me, It is bringing up past trauma causing symptoms to worsen. However, being able to post like this is really theraputic for me. Please don't feel you are putting to much stress on me I assure you that is not the case at all. :)

I have, by writing this, reminded myself that I will survive it, I survived traumatic stuff in the past and I am still fairly sane :confused: there is support out there, I hope you are finding this post helpful, if we don't use anything we have learnt from life experiences then for me that would be such a waste.

Sending supportive hugs to you all.:hug:

 

[Coffeechick]

Your words have helped tremendously. Sometimes you just need a different perspective. And other times you just need to " let out" all the frustrations and anger etc.

I have spent so much time reading through all the posts on here, some hit home and others scare me. But I would rather know the truth and face it than just keep wondering. One thing I have not done is to take care of me. I basically put my life on hold for both of them. I know now ( after reading on here) that I do need to look after myself too. After all, I have to be strong and I want to start smiling again. Constantly worrying myself silly about what they are going through has been driving me nuts. I won't give up on either of them but I have to start living again instead of merely existing.

I like to see positives in everyone and if I gave up hope then that would mean to me that life has no meaning. It is a very horrid world sometimes with horrid people in it. Thankfully though, there is also an awful lot of kindness and compassion. People should smile at someone, anyone everyday. You know the ones that have a sad face. Well smile at them because no- one needs a smile more than those who have none to give. Thank you for your reply.