Other How my poker loses are related to my childhood trauma?

[nikcho1337]

Hello. I'm a professional poker player. Soon I realized that I'm co-dependent and have symptoms of PTSD also.
I can't find the link between my poker loses and the flashbacks.
Sometimes when I lose even some unsignificant part of my poker money or even just a single hand, I just feel the sensations building in my body. I feel the stress and cortisol going thru me. After that I feel like I survived fight with a bear. I can't understand how my survining mechanism is related to this. It really stops me from working and progressing.

 

[Kubash16]

Could this possibly be a gambling addiction?

 

[nikcho1337]

I don't think that the case. I've been playing profesionally for 4-5 years, and I don't play cuz I want to or I need to, just because it's profitable. I mean I've tried some other things to do, like selling stuff, marketing, etc, so In my eyes i can't see myself like an addict. Recently I read a book called "from surviving to thriving" and realized what is happening to me. I can't remember any specific event, that could cause my PTSD, but i got triggered all time and had some awful flashbacks when I feel "rejected" or something like that. But I still can't link the money loses to my PTSD. It's like I'm playing with my last money , you know. I overthink things so strong. For example my family always struggled with money, they have always had big credits and still. And money have always been a problem for me also. I read something about Financial PTSD but things are so complex.

 

[Kubash16]

I could be wrong but pretty sure financial ptsd is not a thing. Maybe in the sense of financial abuse in a relationship. I grew up with financially irresponsible parents and that has definitely had an effect on me but does not qualify as Crit a for actual diagnosable ptsd.

Have you talked to a therapist about what you are experiencing?

The reason I’m curious is if it is a gambling addiction is because it seems like you have high anxiety around losing/missing out and that is generally a good sign of addiction to anything.

What is the content of the flashbacks? Are they memories of Crit a experiences as a child?

 

[Ronin]

I can't tell if you're for real or trolling.

In both cases though, I doubt the disorder this forum deals with is your main problem, and as to your playing issues and feeling terrible, try SMART recovery, it might address them closer.

Kubash is also very right in that financial ptsd doesn't exist. What you describe sounds like addiction. Real and worth looking into.

 

[Justmehere]

Do you have a history of trauma and have your symptoms been diagnosed by a health care professional? (Doctor or therapist.) If so, and you have a verified diagnosis of PTSD from trauma other than financial losses other than poker, then The Ptsd Cup Explanation might help explain why you have symptom spikes under stress of poker losses.

If you haven’t yet seen a doc or therapist about your symptoms, that would be the first step to figuring out what is causing the symptoms you are experiencing.

One can have significant mental health symptoms related to financial losses, but financial PTSD is not a thing. What you describe as a flashback doesn’t actually sound like a flashback. True flashbacks are very intense dissociative experiences where one is not able to carry on in the here and now but is actively reliving the past as if it is actually happening again right now.

Many things that help PTSD can help many other mental health conditions. Many tools that help PTSD sufferers manage stress can also apply to other life stressors.

But self-diagnosis of a major mental health disorder can lead someone down the wrong path and away from effective relief.

 

[nikcho1337]

I just had my first session with a therapist. But we didn't have the chance to go so deep, cuz there was no time. I have another one after 4-5 days.
I don't really understand what do you mean by "losing/missing out". Can you explain?
It could be an addiction. Just in my mind things are so logical, never thought it could be an addiction because this is my work and I make money and it gives me freedom and a lot of positives besides those emoiotnal flashbacks. But who knows...
No. I don't have any memories. Just very intense feelings in my body. I've tried many many times to understand it and ask myself "What emoitons do I feel now", but I can't recognize anything. But i can tell you what is my inner talk in a flashback. It's victim mentality content.
"Why do I always have to be so unlucky, I suck, Im not good at anything, something like that. With time I started to realize when i got trigger and I stop playing. After that I need like 30-40 mins to feel calm again. I feel the stress and the cortisol all of my body. I can't understand how something small like losing 3-4 hands whichi is really nothing in poker, could trigger me soooo bad.

 

[Ronin]

besides those emoiotnal flashbacks

Those sound like intrusive thoughts, not flashbacks.

Common to anxiety (and a handful of other symptoms, found in numerous disorders.)

Just very intense feelings in my body.

Addiction and being single focused on any goal would do that, just fine. No repressed trauma required.

Of course you feel terrible with inner talk like that. Try to change the way you talk to yourself and how you prioritize losing, or, winning, and you might begin to see change in your stress levels.

That is not being triggered. That is being upset and stressed out.

Triggered would be things like, going to puke every time you rush through a casino, because playing is related to murder of your loved one. Or, it being your choice, evading cities with heavy playing, altogether, and forgetting states they are located in, because the very names of them send you to suicidal grief.

Things like that. Not being upset you may be losing a job you do for the money and lifestyle.

 

[nikcho1337]

No, i haven't been diagnosed by a health care professional.
It's just what I read, 2 books (
Healing the Shame that Binds You by John Bradshaw and Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker, and a lot of information in internet.
But all of the symptoms of Self-Love-Deficit disorder and ptsd are there.
All of my family has those too.
My mother is fixer, my father has threats of NPD.
They are divorced. Much drama, etc.

 

[Ronin]

Look, just reading lists of symptoms does not mean you have the disorder, because that is not how diagnosis works.

In your case, something else sounds way more probable to be happening, and way more fitting, so that is the path worth pursuing, instead of trying to fit disorders like ptsd onto your case where it does not apply.

Ditto, any disorder like traits do not yet make a personality disorder (they are not as easy as just producing bad parenting, they are something forming in childhood, life long, pervasive through all interactions and situations of the person, et cetera.). I would be careful claiming traits of personality disorders in parents and meaning it seriously, after reading a book.

They maybe messed up. They maybe messed up hard and were not there for you and so on. But that does not mean they had a personality disorder.
Nor is a personality disorder required to seriously f*ck up in life. Bad choices do that just fine.

 

[nikcho1337]

Thank you for your answers.

 

[Justmehere]

This forum can’t diagnose any more than you should try to self diagnose. I can google symptoms of a cold and convince myself I have cancer pretty fast. I can also find information to validate that I’m fine when I’m really not and need to get help. Dr. Google can be wrong. But the internet can be a good source of info to bring into a therapist or doctor that can help sort it all out.

If you don’t have PTSD, be really glad. Things usually get worse before they get better in treatment. It’s a really hellish thing to do trauma therapy. PTSD isn’t a needed diagnosis to validate that your suffering is very real.

What you describe as a flashback is a distressing and difficult experience, no doubt. It isn’t actually a flashback. It’s not even an intrusive memory going back to past experiences.

Example: when I had a flashback walking down a sidewalk, I jumped and screamed and the only thing in my mind was that I could feel his hands on me and the knife against my neck again. As if it was happening again. Right then and there. I could not even recognize what year it was as the flashback occurred. I was simply suddenly screaming for my life. I wasn’t thinking about being unlucky. My brain was in flight mode trying to get away from the rapist that I thought was right there. That’s what a flashback can be like.

If you do have PTSD, it’s possible you are having negative self talk that was learned somewhere during sexual abuse or life threatening trauma and you internalized those messages, and keep repeating them now to yourself when faced with new stressors... but what you describe isn’t even intrusive memories. You don’t describe recalling a time where you faced sexual abuse or life threatening trauma. You also are not avoiding situations that remind you of the distressing experience - you are still playing poker, still engaging the situation where the loss can happen again. For many sufferers, the things that trigger flashbacks are things they avoid like the plague.

What you describe as “victim mentality” sounds like negative self talk many working professionals struggle with often and it can lead to massive symptoms and sensations in the body. Without PTSD. That’s how powerful our thoughts can be and us the basis for CBT which is used to treat many conditions. A lot of people leave with heavy shame outside of PTSD. Super common in addiction too. It’s not just victims of trauma that get really down on themselves, but a lot of people. That’s not to knock the very real and legit difficulty it is to endure thinking that way. It’s really miserable. Brene Brown and a lot of great authors write about shame and related subjects outside the specific condition of PTSD because a lot of people are really impacted. It might also help to learn more about dysfunctional families generally. Some really common and super painful patterns can play out with or without someone having PTSD.

Your family situation sounds like there is for sure a serious amount of pain and struggle that is still affecting you now, and it’s possible you are trying to escape it through any number of maladaptive coping skills. You also used “childhood trauma” and while you haven’t describe anything that would generally lead to PTSD here that would be an important topic to explore more in therapy.

It’s clear that you are struggling and something has prompted you to pick up those books. It is possible you could have PTSD related to symptoms and events that are not described here... which is why working with a therapist to sort out the diagnosis is key. That’s going to be your best route right now. You have taken the good step to gather info and get in to talk to someone. I hope she is able to help you find some clarity soon.