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Childhood How my trauma created a smoking fetish

SeanCharles

MyPTSD Pro
I am throwing caution to the wind in an attempt to explore what has been a smoking fetish. while there are two, they do go hand in hand with each other and are connected to the first two traumas that I experienced in childhood. The first trauma did involve smoking, while the second one did not, both abusers knew each other as they were in school together. At this time I have relapsed and started tobacco, taking all the risks associated which is needed as part of what I feel is how I can best do this exploration. If this post is better suited elsewhere and hopefully not a diary post, please move to the appropriate place and let me know.

Until now, I have been trying to find the best way to approach this and a therapy setting isn't conducive to what I am seeking. if you have any questions or want to share, I am open to discussing this. This is meant to be exposure therapy which is already healing with connections I have made since beginning this exploration.
 
Curious by what you mean by fetish?
Great question! By fetish I mean a smoking fetish or capnolagnia. Basically, how this originated was pre-trauma somewhat, because until the trauma I had only secondhand smoke. The first night that the trauma started, began with my firsthand cigarette. Everything I did in bed changed at the start of the trauma. Hopefully this clears up any confusion.
 
I am throwing caution to the wind in an attempt to explore what has been a smoking fetish. while there are actually two, they do go hand in hand with each other and are connected to traumas that I experienced by the babysitters in childhood. The trauma the male caused did involve smoking as the only grooming or conditioning , while the second one did not smoke, both abusers knew each other as they were in school together and were boyfriend and girlfriend. At this time I have relapsed and restarted smoking tobacco, taking all the risks associated in hindsight which is needed as part of what I feel is how I can best do this exploration.
Looking back, and processing a bunch of new information, I realize that my sleeping habits would be quite different possibly had I not had the trauma. In hindsight, I have to pile on the repeated bullying that occurred at school on an ongoing basis until I finished high school and graduated.
 
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