How Real?

[J.Nem]

Just wanted to ask, when the flasbacks come for you folks, how real are they?

It is hard to do this, to tell this, because it breaks me to pieces every time I think of it. It was a long time ago now.
when I was a small kid, I had 2 dogs, Lassie and Patchy. My insane folks locked them up in an old outhouse, toilet, and slowly starved and neglected them to death. They used to tear each other to pieces out of frustration. I couldn't do anything as I was so small and so stupid. Now, I am the opposite of them - I am in in my early, PTSD forced retirement, I now feed and love and care for many strays and wanderers of God's creatures. But I just can't get the pictures of my poor, starved, neglected dogs out of my mind. I wish I could go back and change it. So real sometimes I can almost reach out and touch their scars and their wounds with my hand. More real than my real life if that makes sense. My folks are gone now. God help me.

 

[shimmerz]

and so stupid

Wrong word. You were helpless to change it. Your parents should be owning the stupid part of this. And torturers. And abusive beyond words.

I wish I could go back and change it.

You are changing it, by honouring them by helping other animals that are neglected and abused.

I now feed and love and care for many strays and wanderers of God's creatures.

Because this really, really matters.

I watched a boxer tear the daylights (off and on during the course of a week) out of a sheepdog. It was a backyard clearly visible from the girls playground of our school. We all stood there trying so hard to get them to stop, but of course we had to rely on the staff at the school to do so. They did not. Adults can be so retarded and cold and cruel and disconnected. I will never forget the sights and sounds and feelings of those days. I swore I would never be like that. That is one of the reasons that I was so involved in animal rescue for so long.

Be gentle with yourself if you can. You have brought forward the mistakes of others and learned and those lessons are helping to heal the here and now.

 

[J.Nem]

Thank you, your kindness means a lot to me. It really does. When those memories come, my breath goes and it's like drowning on dry land.
I am truly sorry for what you saw too. I will never understand the cruelty of people. I do believe in God's restoration and believe I will see my dogs again and all will be made right. I appreciate your kind words, God bless you.

 

[Friday]

You weren't stupid. You were a child. Children aren't stupid, but they have the minds of children.

Yes. I have flashbacks & I have powerful memories.

The difference is in one I relive it, and the other I remember.

 

[Anarchy]

Flashbacks feel very real.

If you are in a cinema watching a film with tense or weepy bits in it, try seeing how fast you can ground yourself, you might be the only one in there with dry eyes, but I found it was great practice for grounding when I realize I'm in a flashback, or catch myself zoning out in a meeting.

actually being mindful enough to realize when I'm flashing back is what I need to practice now...

 

[Go Hungry]

Sometimes it's like it is all happening all over again, sometimes it's just a passing image. It's gotten better as I've started working through it all.

And you really weren't stupid. Stupid would be someone who didn't care at all, or enjoyed it. THAT is stupid. I think a lot of us feel shame about things that happened in our childhood, because we keep thinking we could have done something different. It's been very hard to accept that I was a child when that stuff happened, and that my resources back then are extremely different than they are now. I couldn't call the police or wield other legal options. I had nobody to run to that could have helped. It wasn't my fault, and this wasn't yours.

And as @shimmerz said, you honour them every time you show kindness to another animal. You do the Good Work.

 

[shimmerz]

The difference is in one I relive it, and the other I remember.

Great way to explain the difference.

 

[The Albatross]

I have a very painful memory about a cat that had been hit by a car. It's not a flashback but very painful. I have had no less than 8 animals in my household for the past 25 plus years (30?). I hear it but it is not a flash back, it is a painful memory that was out of my own control because I was a child.

 

[J.Nem]

If you are in a cinema watching a film with tense or weepy bits in it, try seeing how fast you can ground yourself..

Thank you, I will try that.

You weren't stupid. You were a child. Children aren't stupid, but they have the minds of children.

Thank you for tellling me that. Yes, sometimes I can even smell things from all the terrible times all over again. It is like being there.

Thank you, @Go Hungry - you are a kind and decent person. I am so thankful for your kind reply and everyone elses too. I am thankful for the help, I certainly need it.

 

[scout86]

One more vote for "not stupid"! That must have been horribly difficult for a child who obviously was an animal lover. What you're doing now is a great way to honor the memory of those 2 dogs and your own values too.

Smells are something that can really trigger a flashback for a lot of people, but they also trigger memories for a lot of people.

 

[Joan]

I also will definitely vote with the "not stupid". What a horrifying experience as an innocent and helpless child. As to your question about flashbacks...for me I am there in my trauma....I see it, hear it, feel it physically...They suck. Be kind to yourself...you have to find what works for you to ground. For me I have to go through it and then when coming out have to use my senses...naming things I see, hear, feel, smell and taste in the here and now. Welcome here and I hope that you feel supported and know that you are not alone,

 

[Ronin]

You weren't stupid, you were extremely smart to survive cruel people, and keep your emotionality intact.
As to your question about flashbacks, flashbacks bring me back, memories are from a distance.
You're not alone and thank you for sharing with us.