Relationship How Reconciliation Looks Like?

[Olivia2016]

My husband was recently diagnosed with PTSD, and he is in a very bad shape right now: can't be touched by anyone, can't stand next to a person, can't socialize or even talk to people on the phone, etc. He said that he needed to live alone in his own space without any interactions. It sounded like something temporary in the beginning, but several days ago he moved out to live alone (he has several rental properties, and he will be taking one of them for himself), and he took ALL his stuff with him, including junk from the garage. He says that he wants me to move on and take care of myself, because he may never recover and he is a burden, that life is short and I should not waste it waiting for him, there are plenty of healthy men that I can be happy with, etc. He says that he is unable to feel anything now or to connect to anyone or perform as a partner, and he does not know how he will feel later, even if he gets better. He does not want to see me (I suggested to meet once in a while) or even talk to me on the phone, and he does not reply to my texts. I am not the only one he is blocking out, he does that to his children as well (although he is not breaking with them forever). He says to friends and everyone else who is able to reach him that he just needs to be alone. So, I have two questions: first, how do we know where the illness talks and where they just mean it independently of the illness? He does not tell me that he does not want to be with me personally or he does not love me anymore, or that HE wants to move on, so it all sounds like he wants to make my life easier, but he really does not by doing all that.
Second, if you have been through anything like that, with all the communication lines cut off, and then reconciled, how did the reconciliation look like? Who initiated it and how? How long do they need to be in isolation? How do they come out of it? Why he is still able to work (which involves seeing other people) but refuses to have anything in common with me? If I am waiting for him to get better, how long do I wait and what exactly am I waiting for, how would it manifest?

 

[Deleted member 33052]

I'm so sorry for your pain, Olivia.. :(

I haven't reached the point of reconciliation with my partner yet, so I have nothing to offer you there. Regarding his isolation, though, since he has shut EVERYONE out, I would suggest that it's caused by the PTSD.

 

[Olivia2016]

I'm so sorry for your pain, Olivia.. :(

I haven't reached the point of reconciliation with my partn...

How long has it been for you? Did he/she walk out? Are you in communication? What was offered as a reason for the breakup? I am interested in others' stories, because they may help me understand what is going on in my own life. Yes, in my case, he did shut everyone out, the closer the person is, the more he/she has been shut out. I do want to wait and see if the condition improves and whether he will be willing to communicate or get back home when the condition improves. However, especially because this is the first time, it is very difficult to just wait, not knowing what I am waiting for and when it may happen. So, any bit of information would help me to understand what typically happens.

 

[Seasounds]

You are in a painful process, and I hope you find the support you need to feel appreciated and enjoyed during this time. I preface my reply, letting you know that as I am a romantic at heart, living with PTSD has made me practical. Mine is but one story.

first, how do we know where the illness talks and where they just mean it independently of the illness?

I would not separate him from his illness, even though I appreciate the concept that he may love you (him) and he doesn't have the capacity to have the relationship (illness) right now. It is more realistic and helpful in the long run, to work with and respect the clarity of the boundary that he wants with you (as difficult and sad as it is). Since PTSD aggravations have their own timing to clear, and since you can't predict when the aggravation will end, or what the person will want afterwards, I've found it best to not hang on, and move forward.

When I know that I need to separate from people, to regain my center, it is from a deep instinctual center, to gain peace of mind; and it is never meant to push people away, even though that is what is experienced by other people.

I had a deep aggravation (that had nothing to do with my mate) where I couldn't live in my city apartment, which meant that I couldn't be with my mate, in that apartment in the city, until I felt safe enough to move back to the city. Aggravations can take all of a person's energy, and this was true in my case. I did not have the capacity to deal with any significant interpersonal relationships.

what did the did the reconciliation look like? Who initiated it and how? Why is he still able to work (which involves seeing other people) but refuses to have anything in common with me? If I am waiting for him to get better, how long do I wait and what exactly am I waiting for, how would it manifest

Everyone is different. After a year, I was able to, felt safe enough to, return to the city; once with my boyfriend I realized that the relationship was not right for me.

As you have been his significant relationship, he probably needs the most distance from you because it is through our most intimate (I.e.,sexual, mating, length of time, etc.) that we are most easily triggered.THIS IS TO NO FAULT OF THE MATES. People who he is not as involved with, are easier to be around (i.e. work, relatives, etc)

For me, people wanting to have contact with me in an aggravation, drives me away. If people let me be, in my own time, I will get in touch with them or not. It never means that I don't care for them; it means that I don't think it is the best choice for me.

Go forward exercising your own wisdom, and knowing that you are a good and lovable person.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

I'm the sufferer in our house. I was diagnosed almost a year ago. I stayed in our house, mostly because we have children, but also due to financial issues. My husband moved out of our bedroom, on the advice of our marriage counsellor (he triggers me frequently) . Our situation is a bit different in that, after I was diagnosed, my husband used my vulnerability to lash out at me.

For me, having PTSD is like being caught in the eye of a tornado. I know the world is just outside, but while I'm in the tornado, that outside world is not my world. When people try to enter, my emotions become overwhelmed, and all I want is to retreat further into the stillness in the eye of the tornado. Does this make any sense?

 

[expectingbetter]

I am sorry to hear that you suffer that much.

Is he at therapy?

I suggest to find the way to ensure him that you would be there for him if he needed you and that you believe that he could recover successfully.
I think it is important for him to know that you would not abandon him while he has a hard time.

Of course you need first to have a 'conversation' with yourself about how much you really care for him when taking into account his condition and how much you are capable of really wait for an indefinite period of time for him to be recovered.

It is important to be honest first with yourself and then with him.

 

[Olivia2016]

You are in a painful process, and I hope you find the support you need to feel appreciated and enjoyed du...

Thank you for sharing your experience, it helps to understand what is going on. It's just not an option for me to move on right now. It's my husband we are talking about, with whom we have been very happy for 7 years, and who always have been very affectionate and happy person. Of course, the choice may not be mine, but it's not a part of my values to just discard a person and move on, I was appalled by my husband suggestion to do this - when did it become acceptable and normal to just move on if your spouse becomes ill? Why a sick person expects you to do this? I will try to focus on my own life right now, work, hobbies, and family, and may be with time I will realize why I need to move on, but right now the thought is unacceptable on every level: emotional, practical, and moral.

 

[Olivia2016]

I'm the sufferer in our house. I was diagnosed almost a year ago. I stayed in our house, mostly bec...

It absolutely does make sense. It is similar to what the psychologist said, that my husband feels like he is in a hot kitchen, and he wants to get out as soon as possible. It is hard to fully appreciate and understand, but I get the idea. In a way, we are lucky to be through with children and to have an opportunity for him to have a whole house for himself, I hope this will ease his symptoms, although I would definitely prefer him to be around, even if in a different room. I probably contributed to him moving out, because I did not know about his symptoms for a long time (he was trying to pretend that everything was fine), and I did not know much about PTSD even after I understood what was going on. On top of that, I had a very stressful rough time myself and was not in a condition to create the space of solitude and calm for him, not physically, not emotionally, it was a really bad timing...

 

[Deleted member 33052]

You didn't know, and you don't need to take responsibility. This seems to happen to the vast majority of us, regardless of the circumstances. I admire your respect for his needs.

 

[Olivia2016]

I am sorry to hear that you suffer that much.

Is he at therapy?

I suggest to find the way to...

Thank you for your reply, everything helps. He agreed to see a therapist, but refused medications. I am not even sure he will continue appointments with the therapist, I suspect he may not, because the therapist asked him to do daily recollections of the incident, and that feels very uncomfortable to him.
That is exactly what I decided to do, to just show him my support, even though I don't have channels to do this, and to wait and see what will be happening, as difficult as it is now to imagine. I have a full life of my own and many very good and close friends, so now I think that I do not need to have a man to keep me a company, I cannot imagine dating as my husband suggested to me, this sounds absolutely ridiculous. I don't know how I will feel in a year or two if nothing at all changes... May be I will be fine living alone, or may be I will not be. The lack of any clarity and clear expectations is what kills me now. I can take long absences if I knew that in some time he would come back, but this is the first time it happened, and I am lost.
Since he does not want to see me at all and does not answer my calls or texts, I decided to just send him a text message every day, just to briefly describe my day and to show that I am there. I thought that text messages are not as invasive as calling, if he does not want to read them, he can just delete them or skip. Do people here think this is a good idea or not to sen texts?

 

[Olivia2016]

You didn't know, and you don't need to take responsibility. This seems to happen to the vast majori...

It's not that simple. I should have known better. He was in a horrifying incident, I should have watched for symptoms and should have read more about possible consequences, but I guess it just was much easier to believe that he did not have any. I also should have read more when the symptoms started to come out, like I do now... But, as I said, I had my own health stress with major surgery and recovery, and I did not have physical ability and energy to take care of someone else at that time...

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Believe it or not, reading about my partner's day would overwhelm me. I wish he would tell me that he is here for me if I need him. :(