Relationship How Reconciliation Looks Like?

[Deleted member 33052]

It's not that simple. I should have known better. He was in a horrifying incident, I should have watc...

Let me rephrase that. I believe that this is an inevitable outcome, regardless of what you believe you could have or should done.

 

[Olivia2016]

Let me rephrase that. I believe that this is an inevitable outcome, regardless of what you believe y...

I agree with you on that, I suspect that his action would be the same whether I was doing more or not. This is what is the most difficult for the supporters, that our significant others refuse any support. I feel very powerless, with a lot of desire to help and to contribute and no mechanism to do so.

 

[expectingbetter]

Of course that you could not know now how you could feel in a year or two.
It is important to decide what you are going to do now, and I agree it sounds like a good plan what you described.
I would only rather text him rarely than everyday and as @Mal Content said, I wouldn't describe him my days, at least not too often, but rather send him some neutral messages as a support, it is important that he knows you are there for him and that you don't judge him and that you don't rush him to be fine sooner than he could.

 

[Olivia2016]

Believe it or not, reading about my partner's day would overwhelm me. I wish he would tell me that...

Wow, thank you for telling me, who would think... Do you mean that even a short message that does not contain any emotional description would overwhelm you? Like I went to work, my day was uneventful, and I came back home after work? This is overwhelming too?

 

[Olivia2016]

Of course that you could not know now how you could feel in a year or two.
It is important to de...

This all is very good to hear. I would not think that saying a coupe of words about my day, something very neutral, would be not good... I am upset about lack of any channels of communication, I wanted him to be aware of what is going on in my life, just to keep us connected at some very superficial level...

 

[Knak]

I'm the sufferer in our house. I was diagnosed almost a year ago. I stayed in our house, mostly bec...

I can relate to the dynamic except after marriage I never was happy and he chose me because I was vulnerable. I didn't know it.

But thankfully I don't have children dependent on me to be an example for them to feel safe and develop independent productive happy lives. That is a difficulty I don't relate to. Most families have bad things going on so you are not alone in that.

Being victimized while being vulnerable has led to me to become a psycho (I learned to scare him by screaming, crying, and threatening) when he pushes me past my limit. I also learned to dehumanize him, disrespect and ignore him, and now I realize there are people who have no conscience, which is hard to learn, plus I keep forgetting it. It's not good to fight back in front of the kids however.

He keeps me depressed, withdrawn and hopeless. The friends who vouched for him won't listen. I have become emotionally unbalanced, a depressive recluse, can't go anywhere because my agoraphobia increased and I don't care if I drive dangerously. I am a nervous wreck around other people. It is downhill slide so work on at least wanting to get him out of your life. I'm sure you will go through a long time of depression from the rejection, especially since you thought he loved you and you trusted him.

I wish my narcissistic husband would leave. My first thought reading your post was to encourage you learn to get him out of your head, to ignore his needs, his requests, his guilt trip, and be as nasty as he is to you, showing him no kindness. It helps build a defense system useful in other situations.

I feel this is how the rest of my life is going to be and am grateful I am in my sixties so don't have a whole life ahead of me. I have no expectations to make something of myself, just to keep as safe and sane as possible.

Again I have compassion for you and your responsibility to your children. Seek as much help and support from others as possible. I hope I don't come off as definitive. I am being short due to time (sorry).

I am not you but understand you will face pain for a long time and I hope you can find compassion from those responding.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

I can relate to the dynamic except after marriage I never was happy and he chose me because I was vulnerable...

Knak, I don't know what to say... Your comment made me cry, both because I feel so sad for you, but also because I see you as a mirror. I really appreciate your sharing your story. We are warriors, though. Please don't close the door to your happiness just yet...

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Wow, thank you for telling me, who would think... Do you mean that even a short message that does not...

I explained that poorly, Olivia. When I feel like I am fighting for my life, it irritates and frustrates me to be reminded that, outside of my prison, life is going on normally for everyone else.

Have you ever had that experience when a loved one dies, and you're standing out in the sunshine, and you simply cannot uunderstand how the birds continue to sing, and people keep going about their business as though the world didn't just end? How everything looks so *normal*, when it's so obvious to you that nothing will ever be the same, again? That's how I feel when people try to tell me about their day....

 

[Deleted member 33052]

I'm kind of embarrassed. My last comment sounded so melodramatic, and that's not who I am...

 

[expectingbetter]

It is ok to try to keep connected to him by messaging, and it is ok to write about your days, but I can imagine he could be heart touched in a painful way knowing about details from your life when he can't manage to be a part of it. That could be not only overwhelming but hard to bear, so be careful about it, I am sure he has feelings still towards you and it's not his will to isolate himself now, it is what he has to do to survive. Try to think like you are in his shoes, he can't change how he feels and I am sure he would give anything if he could.
In those messages try more to give him optimism, support, ensure him you don't judge him and try to rationalize to him that he would probably need some professional help in order to help him heal.

 

[Olivia2016]

I explained that poorly, Olivia. When I feel like I am fighting for my life, it irritates and frustr...

I guess everyone is different. I did not experience this. When I had a loss, I was not bothered by the fact that everyone else is going on with their life, from my perspective that was what was expected, I was OK with that... That is what is so difficult: there are common problems that the illness brings into our lives, but then there are personal differences. I am not sure my husband would be bothered by the fact that I am living life, he did tell me to, I think this is what he wants for me sincerely, and I even think he may be less insistant on me moving on and not waiting for him if he knows that I am living a normal life with him being away... But, as I said, I still don't understand completely how PTSD works and what to expect, oh so confused...

 

[Olivia2016]

I'm kind of embarrassed. My last comment sounded so melodramatic, and that's not who I am...[/QUOTE...

Oh no, it was very helpful to me, I am trying to understand the condition, and everything helps me so much, I did not cry today, because I have been chatting here on this website. Thank you so much for sharing your experience, the sufferer's experience is especially precious to me, because my husband is not communicating his feeling well (he never has), and I have to find out from others how it feels and what to expect. If I knew all this before, I would do so many things differently. This information will help me to do the right things in the future, thank you so much for sharing!