I'm doing ok I'm functioning moving forward and all that shit but sex makes me feel violently sick. I desire my husband but would rather swim in vomit than be touched. His libido is high and the backrubs and footrubs I give him aren't satisfying his need for intimacyand I wanna help him out with this so bad but all I want is to be close and connected to him without sex f*cking that up. Its allready got to the stage where he's having wet dreams is distant and easily pissed of and when i ask I'm reminded i know exactly what's wrong. "A relationship isn't really a relationship without sex" is his comment that keeps playing over and over in my head. WHY? Please someone tell me why it cant be as I know for sure he's my soul mate.
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How To Be Fair To Hubby Coping With Libido
- Post starter Finchlet2
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It's hard to answer this without knowing the WHY behind it. Have you always felt this way regarding sex? Or is it a recent thing only? If you have always felt this way and have made that clear to your husband from the beginning, then he needs to realize that he married you anyway and said ok to that. If it's a recent feeling that has developed, I still ask why. A recent traumatic event? Either way, your husband cannot pressure you or guilt you into intimacy. Doing that will only push you further away from wanting intimacy.
Rainsong
Bronze Member
He is sexually frustrated for sure, but he is also wrong. A relationship is sharing a life, sharing ups and downs, supporting each other in bad times, being joyful together in good times. It's being vulnerable, and trusting someone to catch you when you fall. It's stupid jokes, stupid arguments, it's watching tv, sharing news, talking, being accepted. Intimacy is so much more than sex.
I can understand your frustration, but his as well. I like sex with my partner, I crave the endorphins, I need it. I'm probably over the top sexual. My partner is not, he can go months without even remembering sex exist. Have I been frustrated? Hell yes. Is it my right to have sex with him when I miss it? Hell no.
It's your body, it's not your responsibility to push your own limits to fulfill his needs. He should give you time and patience, not demands.
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Rainsong
Bronze Member
But he will sacrifice your well being, Finchlet? To get sex?
Sounds like he don't care about your healing, just his own needs. That is not right.
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- #6
He does care and is truly the most understanding human bean I know but when I met him 16 months ago I put up a front and just took it (sex) but its been months of just the odd disassociated blow job when he gets desperate and it is getting worse not better all I want to do is be enough for him but I can't even satisfy this basic need of his.
Rainsong
Bronze Member
Been there. Does he know about your dissociation? Do he understand that the sex is making it worse?
It's not your job to satisfy him, you know.
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- #8
He knows when I dissociate before I even know what's going on, every day he has to stop me walking in front of traffic and just generally throwing myself into dangerous situations although I am improving with that shit. He knows I've been having sex since I was five and gets its a major trigger. He has had shit to work through himself and has done an awesome job in recovering sexually himself so I've got to be strong and get there too.
somerandomguy
VIP Member
Unfortunately when it comes to committed relationships, there is no such thing as "fair" in regards to sex, just what both partners can live with.
This means that sometimes one partner gets to be more selfish. However, the "selfish" partner should probably be working towards a goal of being less selfish eventually, or the partner who's "taking one for the team" is going to get angry and resentful.
Ideally there should be lots and lots of communication about expectations and what's going on emotionally between both partners. In real life, though, we all know that communicating about sex is probably the most difficult thing in the world, and no one does it effectively or well.
I strongly suggest couples therapy for you guys. Sometimes it's easier to communicate and negotiate when there's a neutral third party to referee.
This means that sometimes one partner gets to be more selfish. However, the "selfish" partner should probably be working towards a goal of being less selfish eventually, or the partner who's "taking one for the team" is going to get angry and resentful.
Ideally there should be lots and lots of communication about expectations and what's going on emotionally between both partners. In real life, though, we all know that communicating about sex is probably the most difficult thing in the world, and no one does it effectively or well.
I strongly suggest couples therapy for you guys. Sometimes it's easier to communicate and negotiate when there's a neutral third party to referee.
asadafagahajakal
Not Active
There's tons of ways you can go about this. If it's being touched that triggers you, have you considered getting toys involved? And you're both adults. Why not swap some pics with him? I won't say how my wife and I are but spicing it up with some creativity never hurts to try.
Or maybe there's something else he likes in bed other than intercourse. Talk to him deeper on the topic, maybe you both share a kink. My wife never told me until recently the things she really likes because she thought id make fun of it, but turned out i was like f*ck yeah lets try this. Don't forget you got a long time before you get to know every little thing about your spouse. Hope this helps.
I wish you both a long life together and a happy bedtime *fistbumps screen*
Or maybe there's something else he likes in bed other than intercourse. Talk to him deeper on the topic, maybe you both share a kink. My wife never told me until recently the things she really likes because she thought id make fun of it, but turned out i was like f*ck yeah lets try this. Don't forget you got a long time before you get to know every little thing about your spouse. Hope this helps.
I wish you both a long life together and a happy bedtime *fistbumps screen*
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Sideways
VIP Member
Is it possible for him to slow things down? If sex is making you unwell, surely that would be pretty important to him??
This isn't the first thread where you've felt like you've needed to put it out there that your hubby is your soul mate, nor is it the first time that you've been in a situation where keeping him happy has come at fairly substantial cost to your health.
We don't have anything like the insight into him and your relationship as you do, so if you say he's your soul mate I'll take your word for it. But there is something really unhealthy about this relationship for you. Relationships aren't meant to make you sick. People that love you aren't supposed to be okay with making you sick.
So what's going on? Is this an issue with identifying your boundaries perhaps, and being able to communicate them to hubby in a healthy way?
With a history of trauma, that would make sense. Someone finally decidea we're loveable and it's like, "Whoa, what the heck is this? How do I handle this healthy relationship?" It's new territory, and it's not stuff that comes naturally if we grew up in relationships that were chaotic and unsafe.
Either way, something doesn't seem right here, and it's not just the sex issue... You know, it's okay to have needs and boundaries and expect your hubby to respect that when you communicate them to him. If he loves you, if he's soul mate material, it will matter to him that this is distressing you, and being open with him will make your relationship stronger if it's the real deal:)
This isn't the first thread where you've felt like you've needed to put it out there that your hubby is your soul mate, nor is it the first time that you've been in a situation where keeping him happy has come at fairly substantial cost to your health.
We don't have anything like the insight into him and your relationship as you do, so if you say he's your soul mate I'll take your word for it. But there is something really unhealthy about this relationship for you. Relationships aren't meant to make you sick. People that love you aren't supposed to be okay with making you sick.
So what's going on? Is this an issue with identifying your boundaries perhaps, and being able to communicate them to hubby in a healthy way?
With a history of trauma, that would make sense. Someone finally decidea we're loveable and it's like, "Whoa, what the heck is this? How do I handle this healthy relationship?" It's new territory, and it's not stuff that comes naturally if we grew up in relationships that were chaotic and unsafe.
Either way, something doesn't seem right here, and it's not just the sex issue... You know, it's okay to have needs and boundaries and expect your hubby to respect that when you communicate them to him. If he loves you, if he's soul mate material, it will matter to him that this is distressing you, and being open with him will make your relationship stronger if it's the real deal:)
Laurie2001
Bronze Member
I really sympathize. I think that the reality is the sexual abuse you experienced which was since you were so little could in no way make sex OK - at this time -. This is who you are - right now. He is having trouble fully accepting this. We bring all of ourselves into the picture into relationships. I wonder if you can help him try to empathize with what your experience might be. Does he know you were forced to have sex at 5? if he doesn't I'd tell him. If he does I'd try and ask him if he can imagine what it might be like for you - or describe to him how you feel now. You can also empathize with him and how hard it is on his end, but the answer is not doing what makes you want to vomit for understandable reasons or dissociate. Maybe you can also remind him that this is a process which takes work over time. There is a couples therapy called emotionally focused couples therapy that can be really good for working with couples where one or two people have been traumatized. That might be a good idea. If you look it up you can get recommendations for couples therapists in your area.
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