mylunareclipse
Platinum Member
I am starting to wonder if a lot of my problems are caused because of avoidance?
I didn't realize that that's what I have been doing.
I can never admit to a therapist the full range of my symptoms. What I go through day after day. How bad my dissociation and body memories get. The most I have shared I think is by writing in this forum. The thing is once I come out of these episodes, I tell myself I am fine, I made it up, there's no need to talk about it, I am being dramatic.... etc. And yet something seems to be missing. I spend most of my days fighting off this illness, yet I am unable to talk about it to anyone. The most I have said is I have body memories, I have flashbacks, but never ever what actually happens. Where is hurts, what I hear in my head, all the sexual things I relive over and over, how I suck my thumb and cry when it's all over. And yet, I get frustrated after, I tell myself, you see the therapist agrees nothing is wrong with you, he hasn't even really even tried to even talk about your dissociative episodes, it's because he doesn't think they are true....etc etc. Yet, I am too scared to talk about all of these, I am scared to even go see a trauma therapist. I want the validation of how much things hurt and suck and yet at the same time I fear things coming too true, if I talk to someone about it. I feel like I would probably just laugh it off if someone even as much as mentioned the word trauma... like I am being manipulative. Like I can control these things by not talking about them. That by talking about them I am making them real, and the simpliest way for them to not exist and to not have trauma is to not talk about it. Control it, ignore it, avoid it. But there's also this huge fear, fear that a therapist might say, that's nothing, you're imagining it, that doesn't seem like trauma, you're acting, it's not that bad.... I doubt they would say that, but I am so scared that even if there's a 0.0001% chance, it's not worth taking. If someone told me it was all in my head, I think I might collapse, I guess it's kind of important for some part of me to hold on to the truth, even if it stay secret.
None of this makes sense, except that maybe it's a symptom, avoidance... noone really knows....
How to break out of denial and avoidance and admit to yourself and to someone else that what you are dealing with is trauma and everything you have to go through and keep secret is literally f****d up? Makes me want to cry for myself how much I suffer in silence and yet cannot break out of it..
I didn't realize that that's what I have been doing.
I can never admit to a therapist the full range of my symptoms. What I go through day after day. How bad my dissociation and body memories get. The most I have shared I think is by writing in this forum. The thing is once I come out of these episodes, I tell myself I am fine, I made it up, there's no need to talk about it, I am being dramatic.... etc. And yet something seems to be missing. I spend most of my days fighting off this illness, yet I am unable to talk about it to anyone. The most I have said is I have body memories, I have flashbacks, but never ever what actually happens. Where is hurts, what I hear in my head, all the sexual things I relive over and over, how I suck my thumb and cry when it's all over. And yet, I get frustrated after, I tell myself, you see the therapist agrees nothing is wrong with you, he hasn't even really even tried to even talk about your dissociative episodes, it's because he doesn't think they are true....etc etc. Yet, I am too scared to talk about all of these, I am scared to even go see a trauma therapist. I want the validation of how much things hurt and suck and yet at the same time I fear things coming too true, if I talk to someone about it. I feel like I would probably just laugh it off if someone even as much as mentioned the word trauma... like I am being manipulative. Like I can control these things by not talking about them. That by talking about them I am making them real, and the simpliest way for them to not exist and to not have trauma is to not talk about it. Control it, ignore it, avoid it. But there's also this huge fear, fear that a therapist might say, that's nothing, you're imagining it, that doesn't seem like trauma, you're acting, it's not that bad.... I doubt they would say that, but I am so scared that even if there's a 0.0001% chance, it's not worth taking. If someone told me it was all in my head, I think I might collapse, I guess it's kind of important for some part of me to hold on to the truth, even if it stay secret.
None of this makes sense, except that maybe it's a symptom, avoidance... noone really knows....
How to break out of denial and avoidance and admit to yourself and to someone else that what you are dealing with is trauma and everything you have to go through and keep secret is literally f****d up? Makes me want to cry for myself how much I suffer in silence and yet cannot break out of it..
