How to build trust with therapist

[DogwoodTree]

I don't know if this might be helpful... For me, I only started making progress on this front when I changed my focus. Now it's not so much about trusting the T as it is trusting myself and choosing for myself what I want to be and what work I want to do. The fear isn't gone at all, and we've been talking about that lately. But I'm more able to communicate in sessions because I make an active decision of what I want for myself, knowing I can protect myself if that were necessary. Martial arts training has been a huge part of this shift for me. My safety depends not on outer conditions but on my own inner state of being. I'm beginning to feel safer not because I trust others but because I trust myself more. Sometimes that means not putting myself into situations that I suspect won't go well (which results in a lot of avoidance but I'm working on that), and sometimes that means knowing I can defend myself if it becomes necessary or at least remove myself from the threatening situation. It's still scary because overcoming that freeze response and being able to engage in fight or flight takes a lot of reprogramming the brain. But knowing that's what I'm moving towards...not staying stuck in freeze response and being able to activate fight or flight...directs much of my internal work for myself.

Also, on the part of not being able to communicate in sessions, I started typing out my thoughts before the session and then bringing in the printed paper for T to read so I didn't have to find words during the session. I still fall back on that technique from time to time, though it's not as needed these days.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I can totally relate to how you feel and react in session. For me, my panic quickly escalated into a freeze response that renders me mute.

When I started with my current therapist, we didn’t even try to talk when it became obvious that I couldn’t. The focus was in making me feel physically safe in the room, because I would just immediately spiral into panic, and panic shuts down the verbal parts of our brains. So I couldn’t talk.

One of the things that helped more than I’d like to admit was that my therapist would sit on the floor facing away from me. So, that meant I was higher than her, able to see her. If it had truly been a danger situation, I would have had the upper hand. Of course I was never actually in danger, but my body reacted so well to that - I would feel my heart race a little slower, the shaking would lessen .... It took a long time for us to be able to sit in chairs facing each other.

I also record my sessions on my phone, so I can listen back. That helps lessen panic for me, because I don’t have to worry about not remembering things.

 

[Teasel]

Also, on the part of not being able to communicate in sessions, I started typing out my thoughts before the session and then bringing in the printed paper for T to read so I didn't have to find words during the session

I fo this too. Actually I email some stuff before the session.

I like what you say about putting yourself in the driving seat too. Am doing that more too. It helps.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think trust is earned, or at least validated, over times and many experiences.

Best wishes to you. :hug:

 

[knuckles]

... I'm more able to communicate in sessions because I make an active decision of what I want for myself, knowing I can protect myself if that were necessary.

This sounds really amazing - and quite logical. Kudos to you for finding, and working hard on, an approach that helps you to move forward in therapy.

Also, on the part of not being able to communicate in sessions, I started typing out my thoughts before the session and then bringing in the printed paper for T to read so I didn't have to find words during the session.

I have seen how this is something that several other members have found to be useful. I am somewhat nervous about doing this; I worry that I would feel pressured into talking - and that it would just make it more difficult for me. But maybe I am making it out to be more black/white than it has to be. I guess I could tell the therapist beforehand that I might bring something in writing, that I would like to focus on - but that I might not be able to. So not to push too hard.

 

[DogwoodTree]

I worry that I would feel pressured into talking - and that it would just make it more difficult for me.

For me, it had to become...this is something I want you to know, not necessarily something designed to direct an ongoing conversation. But my T often had at least a couple of questions, and his curiosity about something I wanted him to know helped me open up at least a little bit. And sometimes he would think out loud about what I wrote, too, which made the time more productive without my having to talk much because then I could hear how my thoughts were received and experienced by someone else...it was informative and piqued my own curiosity. But he never pressured to stay on that one topic once it was tapped out.

 

[knuckles]

I can totally relate to how you feel and react in session. For me, my panic quickly escalated into a freeze response that renders me mute.

When I started with my current therapist, we didn’t even try to talk when it became obvious that I couldn’t. The focus was in making me feel physically safe in the room, because I would just immediately spiral into panic, and panic shuts down the verbal parts of our brains. So I couldn’t talk.

One of the things that helped more than I’d like to admit was that my therapist would sit on the floor facing away from me. So, that meant I was higher than her, able to see her. If it had truly been a danger situation, I would have had the upper hand. Of course I was never actually in danger, but my body reacted so well to that - I would feel my heart race a little slower, the shaking would lessen .... It took a long time for us to be able to sit in chairs facing each other.

I also record my sessions on my phone, so I can listen back. That helps lessen panic for me, because I don’t have to worry about not remembering things.

Thank you so much for this @theshadowoftheliving I am sorry to hear that therapy has been so scary for you. So glad you have such a wonderful therapist. Can I ask how you made it work, when she couldn't see you? - I'm thinking specifically that she would be unable to read your body language as a tool for gauging the level of your discomfort.
I have this idea that it is important for my therapist to be able to see how I react, as I am mostly clueless as to what is going on (except for signs of danger; her breathing, body positioning, movements, tone of voice etc).

Recording the sessions sounds like a good plan. For some reason I just don't think I would be able to listen to it. Maybe later on it can be a helpful tool for me. For now I think I will see if the note book can give me that extra support.

 

[knuckles]

I think trust is earned, or at least validated, over times and many experiences.

I agree... I think.
Actually I'm not so sure I know what trust is supposed to look/feel like.
(just tried to elaborate, but it didn't make much sense - note to self: search forum for threads on "what does trust look like")

I guess that I could re-phrase my question and ask for help on how to feel more safe in therapy. That might more accurately describe what I am searching for.

Best wishes to you. :hug:

Thank you @Junebug

 

[knuckles]

For me, it had to become...this is something I want you to know, not necessarily something designed to direct an ongoing conversation. But my T often had at least a couple of questions, and his curiosity about something I wanted him to know helped me open up at least a little bit. And sometimes he would think out loud about what I wrote, too, which made the time more productive without my having to talk much because then I could hear how my thoughts were received and experienced by someone else...it was informative and piqued my own curiosity. But he never pressured to stay on that one topic once it was tapped out.

Thank you so much for this @DogwoodTree
It makes it seem more doable - and helpful. Your therapist definitely sounds like he knows how to make it work for the both of you.

 

[joeylittle]

Actually I'm not so sure I know what trust is supposed to look/feel like.

Me neither, if that helps you any. I find it's one of those words that really contains a number of concepts, and it's easier for me to think in smaller terms. As you said - figuring out what trust looks like, or I'd phrase that as, "how does a person 'do' (demonstrate, show) this thing called Trust?" Not just in therapy, but in everyday life...lemme know if it would be useful to talk more about that.

I don't know if this might be helpful... For me, I only started making progress on this front when I changed my focus. Now it's not so much about trusting the T as it is trusting myself and choosing for myself what I want to be and what work I want to do. The fear isn't gone at all, and we've been talking about that lately. But I'm more able to communicate in sessions because I make an active decision of what I want for myself, knowing I can protect myself if that were necessary.

Just wanted to echo this - @DogwoodTree nailed exactly what applying trust in the therapy setting was like, for me.

It helped that my therapist wouldn't rush me. Early on, he would give me time to respond. I know that sounds sort of obvious - but he explained that letting there be silence, so the other person could have time and space to choose to speak, was a thing he learned early on in his practicum training. He's got a story about a time when his supervisor basically told him to shut up and let the person who was in crisis, talk about it. That it wasn't his (my T's) job to fill the silence, it was his job to create an environment where the other person could talk.

For some reason, it was very helpful to me to understand that he had a solid professional reason behind what I was experiencing as "him just waiting and me not saying anything"

My inner dialogue in therapy got to the point where my last thoughts before speaking generally became something like, "well, I'm choosing to be here to talk about this stuff, so I might as well choose to talk" - and then, I'd just say the thing that was in my head, and not give myself a chance to think about it anymore.

It wasn't always comfortable at first. Not at all. But, the more I did it, the easier it got.

I still don't know if I'd describe this as 'trust'. I can definitely describe it as "choosing to participate in therapy", and that's what it needs to be, for me.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

Can I ask how you made it work, when she couldn't see you? - I'm thinking specifically that she would be unable to read your body language as a tool for gauging the level of your discomfort.
I have this idea that it is important for my therapist to be able to see how I react, as I am mostly clueless as to what is going on (except for signs of danger; her breathing, body positioning, movements, tone of voice etc).

I think that my panic was so intense in the beginning, that the assumption was just that I was panicking beyond what was okay. I do wonder if she used her other senses - like hearing my breath - to help gauge things. In terms of body language, it was pretty clear before she turned away that I was curled up in a little ball in the chair.

I think that now that we can sit facing each other, she relies a lot on visual clues like shaking, breathing, the way that I sit ... it is better now, but we had to get through the first part first.

 

[knuckles]

So much good food for my thoughts in you post @joeylittle - thank you so much for taking the time to write.

Me neither, if that helps you any.

I am very much still feel like I'm in the dark in regards to all of this - so yes, it's kinda calming to know that other people relate.

I find it's one of those words that really contains a number of concepts, and it's easier for me to think in smaller terms. As you said - figuring out what trust looks like, or I'd phrase that as, "how does a person 'do' (demonstrate, show) this thing called Trust?" Not just in therapy, but in everyday life...lemme know if it would be useful to talk more about that.

I think it would be interesting to go with that at some point. I definitely had a "raised eye brows moment" when I read what I had typed out about my understanding of trust. Need to focus on other stuff first though. Feel free to run with it yourself.

... it wasn't his (my T's) job to fill the silence, it was his job to create an environment where the other person could talk.

To me, this is about "holding space". And when I am not fully submerged in fear I am able to sense it when someone else does this for me. Very powerful and empowering I think. But...

For some reason, it was very helpful to me to understand that he had a solid professional reason behind what I was experiencing as "him just waiting and me not saying anything"

This... When I have my wits about me, holding space does not scare me or feel intimidating. But when I do not have my wits about me, the silence takes on an ominous feel. I think that to some extend having been told beforehand - or being reminded of it in session - that the therapist is actually applying their skills/tools, and not just sitting at a loss waiting for me to snap out of it, would also be very helpful to me.
I am not sure how to put it to my therapist, but I would like to ask her if she can talk to me about what's going on in session, as it is happening. I don't know exactly what I think I can gain from it - or how to describe it in more detail. But what you wrote about being informed, resonates within that thought. Something to do with tapping into the more logical and rational aspects of me, might be a way to get through that fear-fog. Will have to think more on this.

My inner dialogue in therapy got to the point where my last thoughts before speaking generally became something like, "well, I'm choosing to be here to talk about this stuff, so I might as well choose to talk" - and then, I'd just say the thing that was in my head, and not give myself a chance to think about it anymore.

I remember thinking to myself "you can at least give her this", when trying to answer simple harmless questions in the last session. It didn't work though. But I think I get it. I asked for her help, I asked for the session, so I should be able to put one foot in front of the other and do my part. Grinding teeth and clenched jaws still got in the way. But definitely felt that "come on now" inside my head. Maybe next time I can do better.

I still don't know if I'd describe this as 'trust'. I can definitely describe it as "choosing to participate in therapy", and that's what it needs to be, for me.

This rings true for me. I will see if I can bring it with me into session as a form of mantra (I will choose to participate).