How to comfort yourself/ inner child

[Born to Run]

Ivy, wow we have a quite similar history, and I am sorry to read yours. In my case my mother was the borderline, no siblings, father narcissistic and did not want me. Grandmother from Germany. Borderline indeed means living in a war zone at home as the bombs go off when they change their mood. Rejection, neglect and isolation are my main issues. All emotional, nothing physical. To come back to the thread, and I will PM you about the other things you wrote and asked, is that maybe as we both have zero happy memories at home, only happy away from home, that this has to do with the inner child connection. On the other hand, you do notice that the child in you is frightened, when you hear this voice in your head, so that is a connection you can feel. Also you notice that you can be in that child role most of the day, is that already a connection? If you are the child than basically you can not get closer I would tend to think. It is when you are functioning in the adult part of you, and from there connect with the child that is the idea. The adult part can comfort, help, soothe the child. If you are the child, then you can no longer comfort or help the child, because as an adult you are gone. Does this make sense?

 

[shell]

@Cinnamon4z
My therapist said that if this stern, awful voice (which I think is my father and sister) is very heavy in my head my child is frightened and hides away. And the last days it's very strong... I still don't notice this immediately... Does anyone recognise that? That they can't connect to their child when they have this punishing voice in their head? I still have this nagging feeling that I need to be punished because I'm a bad person. It's such a difficult pattern to get out from. Does anyone recognize this also?

How do you know that all the pain is out now? I keep thinking that with myself and then there comes another layer I didn't know was there....

I recognize this pattern very well, I had my mother in my head, she was unrelenting, attacking and told me I was defective, unacceptable and unworthy of love. Now if she ever comes up, I tell her to stop, it is okay, I can handle this now I don't need protecting anymore.

My inner critic once had a very important role when I was a child, to protect me from my borderline violent mother, and once I understood why it had come about then I could be more self aware that the critic comes out when I am feeling triggered, afraid or even more scarey for me, feeling like I am going to be rejected and abandoned yet again. By attacking me she was trying to prevent me doing things that would set my irrational mother off in a rage, and because nothing I did was right it wouldn't take much to trigger the critic into trying to prevent me doing what I was doing.

When my inner child is triggered, my protector (the critic) races in to save her, but while that was once necessary all that does now is hurts me, but now as a responsible grown adult I can protect the "child" me that was triggered into feeling unsafe, or unacceptable and comfort her, just like I do my own child.

I don't think the pain is ever all out, because things trigger it, but we just get better at recognizing the trigger, comforting ourselves rather than attacking, and the pain becomes managable rather than consuming us. Practice makes it easier to deal with it.

 

[ihateusernames]

My own experience with this is that I sort of came across it on my own like Richter Scale mentioned. I didn't learn it I just did it and I didn't know what it was until much later.

But I can't do it in the context of therapy. My marriage counselor used to try to get me to "find and comfort my inner child" at various points in my past and it always just felt stupid and fake.

I did not "find" my inner child in a particularly happy memory. It's me at 8 or 9, which would have been in the middle of one of the worst periods of crappy stuff happening in my life, sitting alone in my room having been sent there from the dinner table for God knows what, :wtf: as per usual at that time, that I connected with. I think it makes sense. The girl from that moment in time is the me that I've carried around ever since, that has the most influence on me.

I've found it easy to feel sympathetic and basically maternal toward that little girl and I have been able to stop a lot of my negative inner dialogue by recognizing myself as one with her.

I know this all sounds kind of strange and I don't know if I'm explaining it in a way that makes any sense to you.

 

[Yvy]

@Born to Run I'm so sorry about what you've been true too! How awful that your father didn't want you!! :( My family is from Germany too! (My mother) I've never heard that they were diagnosed with borderline but when I read this book which was written for people who have to live with a borderliner it was like my life was written down there in that exact book and finally people understood me! All those things that other people couldn't understand that happened: the most weird behaviour were put down in that book as examples. It's so hard to get rejected all the time and what you write the neglect and isolation. Are you healing from this or is it still really difficult? I do have a few happy memories at home, when I pushed the rest away. When I played with the dog or when we were sometimes on a vacation for example.
Sadly enough I don't really notice in my head when I'm in the child role. It's because when I'm really afraid and I think everyone is against me and there is danger around me then I know that I Must be in the child role/ modus theoretically, but it doesn't feel like that. I found these things that describe when your in which role and that's why I notice it, I'll write them down:

Child role:
-You feel like there is no choice, others decide for you what you have to do,
-Your needs must be fulfilled immediately,
-You experience the other person as bigger, more powerful, you feel dependent from them and powerless,
-there is no equality
-everything takes forever: it will never get better: it will always stay like this
-the world is small, nobody cares about me, everyone has a nice life except for me.

healthy adult role:
-I always have a choice
-I decide what I do, think, feel or want
-My needs are usually not urgent,
-I am independent: I can help myself with my own basic needs
-everything changes, nothing is forever, everything ends,
-the world is big, filled with all kinds of people and possibilities.

I feel fear almost all the times and that other people are better and more powerful and that's when I think that I must be in the child role (again).
So I Just feel that fear and not the child itself. It's like I'm there again, in the past. Would that be a connection as you write? I don't know. Maybe it is? I'll keep that in mind and try to think of that the coming days.
Unfortunately comforting myself is so difficult, my adult part is almost never there. But I try. Yes it makes sense indeed! So comforting myself is difficult because the adult isn't there, but the inner critic and punishing voice are. How did you go trough this if I may ask?

 

[Yvy]

@shell I'm sorry you had your mother in your head!! Sounds awful. I try to practice too to get my parents and sister out of my head. But most of the time I listen to them and give to much attention to the voice. It's still very strong. But I mustn't be impatient I think, it's hard work...
Weird that you do that to protect yourself isn't it? Hurting yourself to protect yourself?

Are you able to recognize the triggers? I'm usually still fighting the inner critic and the triggers go so fast.. But I think indeed what's behind it is the fear of being rejected and not being good enough. It makes me think that I deserve to be punished and have to die. And the triggers come up with so many things, when someone looks badly at you, or I have to do something in my job that can go wrong etc...

Wow you really describe it very well! I found this out only weeks ago, with the help of my therapist. Indeed the inner critic attacks you to protect you from the punishing voice in your head (which is my family). But I still believe that I'm not worth a lot and that I'm not good enough. Did you believe that from the inside in the beginning too? Or did you know somewhere it wasn't true?

So if I understand correctly: if you get triggered you can comfort your inner child and not give attention to the inner critic and punishing voice in your head? I still have to learn that. I still give too much attention to my critic and punishing voice. Did this take you long and how did you manage it?

O just what you write with the comforting yourself instead of attacking yourself. So difficult and yet so logical. How can it be so difficult then??? I'm reading about self compassion now. Yesterday I had this very busy day with a lot of triggers and things I was afraid of doing. The day before I was already stressed about it and instead of comforting and supporting myself I had all these horrible doom thoughts about what could go wrong and how awful that could be. And then I did notice that but it was so difficult to change that. It's as if I don't know how to support myself. And it also feels strange because I've never done that. I made it even more difficult for myself in a difficult situation. So weird to notice this! And the idea of supporting yourself feels weird to. Like if you're mean to yourself you can get things done better. Which isn't true I think theoretically.... How wrong it can be in your brain!
So I tried to imagine what I would say to someone else, a friend, in a similar situation. That helped a bit but not a lot. But I think like you write: practice.

 

[Yvy]

@ihateusernames I'm happy that you just did it and it worked for you! That must be really nice. Yes I can imagine that it feels stupid and fake to you, I have that sometimes too.

Wow and that you can stop a lot of your inner negative dialogue, that's great. Do you visualize and see that child at the age of 8 or 9 or do you hear her voice or something?

 

[ihateusernames]

It's kind of more a visualization thing, but also a sensing sort of thing. It's been years of unintentional practice before it really became a natural thing for me. It started out with visualization and now feels more like she is just part of me that is always there that I can feel. I can't say it has solved all of my problems by any means, but it has helped me to have a lot more compassion for myself. It mainly helps with the self blame. I say she is part of me, but I also see her as separate from me in a way- and there is no way I can say that somehow that kid brought this, that or whatever on herself. That's absurd, but it's what we think about ourselves. I know you know about that.

I wish I could tell you how to find it for yourself I have no idea how exactly it happens. I don't doubt that doing things that you did as a child or things that you would have liked to have done as a child would help nudge you there. I kind of had a delayed adulthood and held onto kid things (both therapists I have talked to say this stems from having to grow up too early, so kind of a can't win thing). My sister and I played with our stuffed animals until I was well into college- like the animals had real lives and talked to each other, etc. I never stopped coloring or doing craft projects, my husband collects toys, my house is full of them, and we play video games together regularly- that's what we do. Maybe being connected to something from your childhood does make it easier to relate to your child self.

 

[Born to Run]

Ha did you read 'Stop walking on eggshells' by Mason & Kreger? :) Excellent! It was the same for me, my mother was never officially diagnosed, although she was always in therapy for depression, but never helped her. After reading that book, I just read about my mother and me, and everything fell into place. It was so helpful!!! Yes, I am healing from the neglect and isolation, it is possible, but not a finished mission for me.
I like the pointers you wrote down about adult- and child role.
I understand that you feel being the child, and it means that moment you are that child part of you that is so afraid. You connect to that specific part and behave as in the past. Do you work in therapy on making your adult part stronger or more present? That could maybe help you to get in a stronger position overall. I never had a punishing voice in my head, inner critic was almost integrated with my behaviour, so I already behaved as if I was criticised without a voice, and therefore left me completely numb during my childhood, and almost paralysed in behaviour. As everything I did was invalidated, so I did nothing anymore.
PS the PM will come :)

 

[illusionist]

I have come across something lately which I love doing...I hug my partner from behind putting my ear on his back. I listen to his heartbeat and breathing and feel a comfort that I can only explain as going back to the womb....or as a baby.....it gives me a deep, deep comfort. It is definitely connecting with something within me other than the normal comfort I feel with a hug....inner baby?

 

[shell]

It makes me think that I deserve to be punished and have to die. And the triggers come up with so many things, when someone looks badly at you, or I have to do something in my job that can go wrong etc..

I get this exact feeling that I deserve to die, when I am really badly triggered and would spiral into self attack mode, and then self destruct mode including suicidal thoughts which included planning, if I was feeling like I was about to be abandoned or rejected, it would last for days.

I haven't seen anyone else write about this feeling, of being wrong, or needing to be punished by dying, but for me it is very familar, of deserving to die, of needing to die because I am defective and wrong.

It ties in very much with what my mother would say to me as a child, about her wishing I was dead, that I was so awful that no-one wants me, not even the home for bad children would take me, because I was so bad and awful, that I was no child of hers.etc

Getting control of my response to stop being triggered into self abandoning, and changing it to self supporting when triggered has made a real, and very positive changes to my daily functioning and abilility to relate to others, and to stop fearing interacting with other people.

There are so many positive changes that come from learning self compassion, it is hard to attack and defeat ones self at the same time. As I have come to see why I am like I am, it has helped me to change those disfunctional learned behaviours that came about as a result of being emotionally and physically abused from birth. I feel like I am finally getting to know the real me, and it is a very rewarding and positive experience to realize the things I told myself, was all one massive lie, implanted by my abusers to keep me silent, and them in control.