How To Complain Less And Be More Positive. ...

[J_trustno1]

Does anyone have the mantra to complaining less and being less negative? I'm struggling with negativity every single day and it makes me feel insecure and vulnerable besides other people.

Ever since this new study started I've been becoming very negative and anxious. The sad thing is that I complain too much and too judgemental towards my own kind (i.e. Indians). My class has 92% indian students and I avoid them and I'm being judgemental towards them based on my past negative experiences with my own kind. I don't physically go to them and tell them off but I'm avoiding them and telling different culture people why I have trouble fitting in with my own kind. This behavior of mine does not make me any better and I feel shit for being very judgemental towards my kind.

My story goes way back to my childhood when I was bullied by other indian girls in my class at intermediate school for not being able to speak English and not looking very stylish. I was bullied at home by relatives and my own father. Then at tertiary institute by Indian guys for being 20 kg overweight. I was made fun of how I looked and ever since then I stopped mingling with Indian guys or girls. I see them as potential bullies and materialistic people who don't see you for you but how you look. But my Indian phobia is making feel bad about my judgemental behavior because I'm being no different to those in the past. Seriously, I need to stop complaining and being positive. I was called pessimistic by an Indian guy in the past and he's the one who judged me for being overweight etc.

I feel I am becoming horrible cranky person... can anyone suggest something. My anxiety is taking over me and I don't like hurting other people :( :(

 

[Kintsugi]

My little mantra is a quote from a song (Tool's "Parabola"): "Embrace this chance to be alive and breathing." I also think of Tool's Lateralus, "I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of... our divinity and still be a human."

 

[Sideways]

It's a big call to be able to pull off large crowds and tertiary study with ptsd on the side, so to do that surrounded by people that remind you of your abuse - it makes sense that's going to invoke a lot of anxiety...That doesn't really help solve the problem, except to the extent that maybe you don't need to be quite so harsh on yourself about your headspace. If I were to tell you that I was abused by a priest, and so I have a tendency to be fairly judgmental about any members of the clergy, you'd probly understand that, right?

In practical terms, and borrowing a little from the exposure therapy approach, is there some way you could try and interact with just a selected few students first, instead of trying to overcome the learned beliefs (which are understandable, but unhelpful) en masse straight up?

 

[dougyhowzer]

I too can be really judgemental and hard on others . I think it's common for us that suffer from PTSD to be hard on ourselves .

One thing I have tried doing is to stop and think before I react . This is of course easier said than done , more importantly getting to the root of our behaviours is really the key and changing our attitude .

My counsellor has pointed out to me that I need to give myself grace when I am hard on myself .

 

[Whirlwind]

This behavior of mine does not make me any better and I feel shit for being very judgmental towards my kind.

Your recognition is a big start, one I have struggled with. I have great difficulty trusting or even understanding certain groups of people ... and some others...I fight my visceral reaction.....intense disdain.

They remind me of where I came from, what I went through...I see my - self in them and it makes me sick to my stomach. The start for me was realizing I carry empathy for them, I know like no other what some of their experiences likely are.

My T and I discussed this.....he said it was understandable as a trigger but it was also a mechanism for distancing myself from connection to people, and it was a fear reaction. He said that people who are critical of others are personally struggling with control issues and anxiety in THEMSELVES. This was a revelation for me, I recognized the pieces of this in myself and I have learned to stop and check any visceral reactions I have towards others (fear, dislike etc) and also my negative thoughts, I cut myself off and dissect the situation to get at ME and what is bugging me. This practice has been very educational for me and I feel better now, people don't get under my skin and I feel happier overall. I still have a moment but I take it for what it is, I don't run away from it, I set myself down so to speak and unveil the crux behind my action/feeling. I do this with my anger too, I grew up in a hostile violent world and anger is an old friend.

I do think some of this can also be a "bad habit" that develops, and it takes some effort to break the cycle. Perhaps set a goal, for instance random negative mind "gossip" - short circuit it instead of letting it run free in your head.

It has helped me and my reactions are tempered now. I'm not perfect I still have slips but I'm feeling far more gregarious these days.

This is a tough subject but a really good one, I think its a common struggle for many of us.

I feel I am becoming horrible cranky person... can anyone suggest something. My anxiety is taking over me and I don't like hurting other people :( :(

This is really good, this is how you do NOT become just that! Believe me, I have felt the same way and felt so ashamed for some of my thoughts. But that is the key, it is probably the only thing we have control over...OUR THOUGHTS. Lastly, please be kind to yourself, I know being bullied, hurt...I was the white trash scum bag growing up, literally filthy. I have one picture from back then, I can't even look at it, I remember how I felt then and now as an adult, it brings tears to realize a child/young adult grew up in such conditions.

Take really good care and have a wonderful day, Whirlwind

 

[J_trustno1]

@Whirlwind : Wow! Just wow! to what you have written. Thanks for breaking it down for me and it does make sense where all these thoughts are coming from. It's just my own fear and past experience that is stopping me from interacting with people. I really like your approach to dissecting the thoughts and getting to the root of the situation other than letting it escalate. I will start looking deeper into why I feel what I feel and work on my thoughts. I have a lot anxiety and fear of my own kind but I think all I need is some new good experiences. Thank you once again for the insight :) :hug:s

 

[Whirlwind]

I am so glad something I said resonated for you! I read a lot and found several sources that helped me untangle some of this, I'm not sure what is ok to post on this forum so PM me if you would like the resources.

Best, Whirlwind :hug:

 

[J_trustno1]

Awesome @Whirlwind , thanks for the resources. I'll pm you :).

Thanks everyone for the input, I really appreciate your help :)

 

[Sideways]

Chalk one up for Team PTSD - it's such a privilege being part of a community that can bring a little bit of hope to one person's life.

Great to see you smile:)

 

[J_trustno1]

Aww thanks @Ragdoll Circus. :hug:s.