How To Cut Ties And Leave?

[tinyleaves]

For the past couple of years I've been living with my parent who, all in all, is to blame for the most trauma in my life. I've been wanting to leave and move out away for a long time now but can't make the arrangements/courage to cut the cord and leave. One of the problems is that I don't have any close family members. My cousins from my aunt are not very close and my aunt, (who hates my mother), doesn't want them to associate with me because of my mother and her drama (she is also resentful that I have tolerated my mother's crap this long and dislikes me because of it).

The problem is that even though I have some money (and no job), I don't know anyone who I could crash with or get help with moving out and getting a life. It just seems impossible to 'cut the cord' and I don't know why. This inability to leave is driving me insane -I'm at the end of my rope.

I also have been battling serious anger issues which are really getting to me. My mother (who was diagnosed with NPD as a teenager) triggers and taunts me to no end, trying to make me crack.

On top of this I don't have any friends - I have cut off ties with mostly everyone. I hardly leave the house anymore.

I'm seeing a counselor and a psychiatrist and tomorrow we're going to talk about the abuse (in depth for the first time) but I cannot help having a deep, deep, deep seated rage and my mother for all of the pain and grief she has caused. I ultimately feel there is no justice, no sense of God, because if there was, surely evil would be punished. Yet, she still walks this earth and I feel it doesn't make any sense. I truly want some kind of validation for the years of suffering.

I mean, as a kid I would live in utter terror. I would have fits of feeling extreme extreme terror. I would feel it to the greatest degree possible and even as a little kid I would ask myself, "If my mom tried to kill me tonight could I stand to fight back and do this act of violence to defend myself?" THINGS NO KID SHOULD HAVE TO THINK.

Completely ******** frustrated and don't know what to do. I wish I could get the courage or get over the block to cutting her off. Just because she gave birth to me does not mean I have to tolerate her.

I don't know why I can't "let go" or "try" to leave. What is wrong with me? Does anyone relate to having trouble leaving someone? It's like a scar beyond scars and a great emptiness.

I do have a relative who lives nearby and is sort of close to me. But she is really busy and I don't know if she can deal with me. She's tried to help me escape before but I couldn't do it. I just don't get it. I'm stuck and don't know why. I think it might be a fear of success but I don't know... :((

 

[Pilgrim]

@tinyleaves my heart goes out to you. I don't have and good advice or insights for you, I'm sorry for that. Surely others will have good or great feedback for you. There are a LOT of wise and caring people here. I just wanted to say I care, and I hear you. This is a tough one, for sure. I had to totally separate, cut ties and clear across the country to escape my family's craziness. It felt like the harder I fought to free myself from their crazy making ways, the more stuck and engulfed I got by the tar baby that was my family system. Thats somewhat different from your situation, but I do know it can be hard to find the courage and strength, to go. Even if its just across town. Coming up with a plan of possible options available to you can help, I think. Just knowing that there ARE other options, and ways of surviving without having to be dependent on her, may help a lot. Peer support is helpful, too, as if you make moves towards greater independence and emotional space and distance from her may cause her to try to cling harder, to keep you from going. (The tar-baby effect, I call it), of criticism of you, messages that you can't possibly make it without her there to take care of you ( although I would suspect that is largely the other way around - that she may feel that she can't make it, without you..) followed by guilt trips like look what you're doing to your poor (old?/sick?/frail?/ or whatever...) Mother, and how "selfish" you are (NOT REALLY IN TRUTH), being, to her. Meant to paralyze you and rob you of the momentum and will, to follow through with leaving her.. I hope that's helpful, at least a little bit. If this is not how your situation is, please feel free to ignore it. :)
I think also, coming up with a list of "what if's" might be helpful. What ' could' happen, no matter how trivial or outrageous it may sound what you come up with. And them write out or think about ways to counter those things, or deal with them so you can keep your focus and resolve. So that when you get to the point of being ready to try to go, you'll feel less scared of or blindsided by whatever DOES happen when you go to do it. Good luck to you. Pilgrim

 

[scout86]

This sounds like a great topic to take up in therapy. Have you tried that? What does your therapist say?

I suppose you might be afraid of success. You could also be afraid of accepting responsibility for taking care of yourself. There are a lot of possibilities, really.

Are you legally an adult? Are you capable of working? If so, finding a job so you have the income to support yourself might be a good start. If you aren't capable of working, has that been established with the social services people where you live, so you can apply for disability? The first thing you need to move out is income, but it's your responsibility to come up with it.

 

[tinyleaves]

@Pilgrim thanks for the thoughtful reply. The things you mentioned are exactly the kind of things she says. She basically says I will 'never make it' in the real world and that I will 'get my teeth kicked in' etc. I think the what ifs idea is a good one. I honestly don't know where the fear comes from though. Peer support is something I'm definitely trying to establish -somehow-. And when it comes to friends/family I DO have a very supportive and very good friend in another city (possibly my only RL friend) but I'm terrified about moving out on my own whether it's close by or miles away. I am trying to tell what is going on to my close relative though who is about an hour away. I have cut ties with the friends I made from my area though is what I meant and it's hard to try and re-establish a social circle where I live.

@scout86 Hi scout, yes I'm an adult (age 27) and the money I mentioned is from disability. I have it established, I just need to make a move to move out. I've been looking at places online to move to as a 'stepping stone' move to prepare myself. I do truly want to live my own life but feel very worthless.

I have brought up the issue with my therapist and her suggestion is to spend as much time physically away from my mother as possible because she is 'toxic'. The issue though is now I feel a great sense of depression when I go places by myself. I feel truly alone because not only am I ignored in the same house but my mother continues to treat me as if I don't exist and it hurts. I guess it triggers the old emotional wounds I had as a kid (being alone). I really think that explains where the depression comes from I think come to think of it.

 

[Pilgrim]

@tinyleaves you're welcome. :) looks like I did have something worthwhile to say. Glad it helps..
Anything new or unfamiliar in our lives can be really scary. Kind of like that saying, 'Better the devil you know, than the devil you don't.' Change into new and unfamiliar territory in our lives can seem very scary and overwhelming just in and of itself. ESPECIALLY when and if your self-confidence and self-esteem have been undermined so badly and deeply, by someone. It's nothing more than a manipulative tool, to get you to do what THEY want you to. But it's very effective so often. And they can make you feel so insecure and invalidated, and just plain CRAZY. They're very, VERY good at it. Question her motives. What does she have to gain, from trying to make you believe her statements about you, instead of listening to your own intuition, and inner alarm bells, and wisdom.. consider the source, as they say. That will tell you a lot, and point you towards the issues she tries to hook you into compliance to her wishes, by. Sorry this is so long! Omg. Lol :)

 

[Pilgrim]

Wow. @tinyleaves this makes me very sad. Both for you, and for me. The part about depression when you do go places alone, of her ignoring you, in the same house, and your fear of/ and not liking, being alone.. that reminds me so much of my own situation with my ex non-mother. I am 42 now, but in my early 20's, when I was finally just thrown or tossed out, on my own, I was (and still am, to a very large degree), afraid of being alone. And depressed when I have to be. My situation forced me to have to just do things alone whether I liked it or not, though. (And I'm here to tell you that I absolutely did NOT like it. I HATED it. But I got through it somehow. Mostly with a LOT of prayer, and tears..) That was really traumatizing to me, bc I absolutely was not ready for it, or able to handle it at all, at that point. Long rambles just to say that my belief about myself, when it comes to people, is that I am a bother and a burden, to them. That I am completely and totally unwanted, by anybody, and that if I am not in their direct living space, where they HAVE to deal with me, or tolerate me, whether they like it or not, that everyone would just go on with their lives and just forget about and ignore me altogether.. in reality that is not true (although some days it still feels that way). But that's bc of my ex non-mother's rejection of me my whole life. She did not, and still DOES not -want me. That gets imprinted really deeply, at the very core of who you are. And it is just terribly painful. I don't know if any of that helps or applies to you. But that's what it brought up, for me. Guess I needed to share some, too. Thanks..

 

[shrinkingviolet]

Your fear is completely understandable, given that the person who should have taught you to believe in yourself, provide stability and make you feel safe and loved failed miserably. Then she continues to manipulate you, acting selfish and cruel in attempts to maintain some type of control. That is not love and you deserve so much better, you are so much better, your life and your happiness matters. I wish you courage to take that first step and say enough. Courage is not the absence of fear but facing it, knowing there is something more important. Maybe just taking that first step, perhaps moving in with your friend who lives out of the area. You wouldn't be in your toxic environment but wouldn't be on your own right away. I wish I had better advice or answers to give. I hope you can find healing, hope for your future, on your terms and self love. You are worthy of so much more

 

[Pilgrim]

@tinyleaves btw is your avatar picture of Taylor Swift? I just loooove her! She is so incredibly talented, and her music rocks! Just had to ask.. :)

 

[tinyleaves]

@Pilgrim Your replies really helped me to think and reflect about what to do. My mother has a lot to gain by having me as an audience to her but I have nothing to gain being around her. I think a lot has to do with what shrinkingviolet said, our parents were supposed to instill self-esteem and teach us how to believe in ourselves and all we get back is how much of a "burden" we were (I didn't ask to be born did I?!!) So it's almost like I gotta start from the very bottom/beginning and build my way up after being destroyed emotionally. It's okay to vent too pilgrim, :) by venting we're processing and letting out a lot of stuff and it Definitely helps!!! (p.s. my pic is from a random book cover called 'aetheria' even though she does look like taylor swift :D hehe)

@shrinkingviolet, your words are great and very touching. I wish my mother and other people's parents could have learned how to show basic affection and caring but for some odd reason my mother didn't have the ability to. It's much like asking someone who sees in black and white only to see a rainbow - they can't, couldn't and it won't change :{ I have come to the conclusion though that to get to a better non-toxic place I'll have to make small moves myself in the direction I want to go. I think the first step would be to get a job and then save up and move out. These are small but important steps I think to build confidence, esteem and believing in my power to be independent.

Something related to this... I read a thread online about someone feeling like they had not "accomplished" much in their late 20's. Despite having a bad upbringing, someone said the person they knew forced themselves to change their life by making a decision to believe in themselves. They had to face their upbringing and decide to take control of their life. This thread and that online thread were very inspiring and made me reflect on what to do. If my mother did not believe in me - at least I can. And at least I can make decisions to better my life. The longer I stay around the more damage will be done and it's time to take control I feel. Thanks so much for all of the replies!! :)