Relationship How to defend without getting defensive?

[caligirl03]

Does anyone else feel a weird need to defend their sufferer to certain people? For me, it's usually only to people who know something of his background but don't actually know him nor have even really bothered getting to know him. I know I shouldn't care, but sometimes they'll make these blanket statements or ignorant remarks or even ask why I still spend time with him--all of which make my skin crawl. I then find myself going from cool and collected to suddenly launching on a lecture about how our veterans need to be respected and how we all should educate ourselves and learn some compassion and how I'll be always at least be friends with this man, and that's simply how it's going to be. I always feel stupid afterwards and kind of like "she that protesteth too much..." but I honestly feel like some people keep pushing the issue and just won't back off of it. I find it ridiculous that as an adult woman I should feel as though I have to explain or justify my actions to anybody at all, period. So I guess what I'm wondering is how do I shut these people up in a way that's effective yet dignified?

 

[EveHarrington]

"Thank you, but I'm very much an adult and can make my own decisions as to whom I choose to associate with."

<walks away>

 

[dulcia]

Yes, I feel the same way.

If it's someone I respect and their concern comes from a place of caring, like a close friend or family member, I sometimes am just silent when they say something like that. They realize and move on.

Other times, simply, "I've made my choice."

 

[grimalkin]

I'm getting to a point with this as well.

My mom is one of the most judgmental people I know (she's trying to change - it doesn't always work), and right now, she waffles from "I still love my son-in-law" (soon to be ex-son-in-law) and wants to see him and have him as part of my life, and "Why do you still talk to him? He needs a warning label!" I've had to justify to her my friendships my whole life, and it's just getting tiring at this point.

I'm using my new-found boundary setting with her (finally!) to just tell her that I choose to have him in my life, and that's that. When she starts in on suggesting that people with issues need "warning labels," I point-blank remind her that I, too, have mental illness, and we all deserve happiness and love. Which usually gets a response of "Why do you need to be the one to provide it!?" Well, mom, because I choose to. And just because I have my mental illness under some measure of control, doesn't mean it's not there anymore, so I remind her that by her standards, I, too, need a warning label.

It's infuriating. And hurtful. And more infuriating. I've already told my mom that if she won't be able to keep her shit to herself, there's no way I will subject my ex to her.

 

[Justmehere]

You are doing well at telling her what is and isn't ok with you. Remember that boundaries are not about controlling other people or what they think. Boundaries are about controlling ourselves and managing our limits. I'd keep doing what you are doing, but add to it how you will keep the boundary. Try using the language... "when you do... I feel.... so when you make the choice to... I will choose to...." Perhaps it can be that you will choose to end the conversation. Then regardless if she changes or not, you still get to reduce your exposure to the comments and judgement.

Chances are, her comments are really about her insecurities and issues. Maybe they even come from a place of worry or concern or care for you. That doesn't make it ok, and it's great to hold the boundaries you need. But I'd also suggest that when she says them, just so that they don't get under your skin, work on also having the internal boundary to not take the comments in, but re-frame them as really being about her and her insecurities, and not you. Then there is less to defend against.

Something I do with my own mother is ask her to not give me unasked for opinions and advice, but to instead talk about... and I give her other things to talk about. Re-direct it.

Hopefully your mother will keep doing the good work of change and back up from making the comments.