How to Feel Again? - Emotional Numbing

[Monarch]

I agree with you Cindy, if your job is just a "job" and you don't expect to jump to the next level then you don't have as much to lose but if you expect to make that jump to manager or director, etc....keep it to yourself because you are a liability at that point. My co-workers think I have depression, that is more widely accepted and there is medication that corrects it in most cases so people are understanding. Not alot is known about PTSD and there are medications that help but nothing will take away all the symptoms.

To your point about anger, Cindy, I am the same way, when we are told at a young age that our feelings or emotions don't matter or to "keep it to yourself" we do just that and emotional numbing becomes a pattern. I was always told my anger was scary and out of control so I overcompensated and kept it to myself so I wouldn't get in trouble or be trouble. So to control that emotion I cut or hit myself or did really stupid dangerous things to hurt myself instead of showing that anger. Eventually the cutting and other self-hate behaviors stopped but then I was just left with this numb feeling. It is wierd and hard to explain but I bet alot of the people here knows what that feels like.

 

[Nicolette]

(Odd. The posts I wrote two days ago are only appearing today. Argh. Means no one's gonna notice them.)

Yes they will notice them as to other members the threads go bold due to your post being released - just the same as when there is a new post. While you may feel frustrated by the moderation phase it serves a vital purpose. Please be patient and all going well, you won't be in moderation for long. As for the time it takes....just a reminder that Moderators and Administrators give their time freely to the forum and sometimes we can't always be here every day.

Thanks

 

[Kunoichi]

Thank you all for your response. I almost broke down yesterday due to panic and what not and I'm not sure if i can eve make it through today due to panic and just getting worse and worse with my PTSD symptoms.

I have been debating telling my bosses, because i get "sick" often (what i tell them if i can't come in) and want them to know there is a real reason to it. But I am afraid of a stigma and while this isn't a place I am going to be in for a long time, I still want to get as high as I can in terms of pay and what not. So i have a lot to think about :)

 

[Yumeko-chan]

Thank you Nicollette.

 

[Monarch]

it is always up to you to you if you want to tell them, that is a personal choice, but I personally would make up a huge story about having kidney disease or something before I would tell my director that i have a mental illness. For me, it just keeps letting the people that hurt me continue to do it. Plus, I would read into my bosses every move after they knew, it would be hard to face them, but that is me.

 

[Kunoichi]

I'm not going to tell them at least for now. I had to let my boss know i had a docs appointment every 2 weeks at a certain time on a certain day but I don't think she will question it ^_^

 

[Mina]

I think I'm one of the luckier ones. I work at a smaller company, with less than ten of us in the office. Pretty much everybody knows, and it's not a big deal at all. In fact, people have either responded very positively and supportively, or just been neutral - nothing negative. As it turns out, one gal's ex-husband has PTSD from Vietnam and she was his carer for years...one boss's sister has it from a car accident...another guy has dealt with similar symptoms due to childhood abuse...and yet another I've referred to my therapist after he told me about nearly dying when he was buried alive in a landslide 3 years ago. I was pretty amazed that in an office of nine people, 4 can at least somewhat relate!

It's clearly marked on my giant whiteboard calendar that I leave early every Thursday, and most people know why (therapy). I'm very open about it - in fact, when I was being interviewed, I said I'd need to leave an hour early once a week. I think people appreciate the fact that I'm trying hard to improve my state of being.

 

[Kunoichi]

Mina,

I'm sooooo happy for you ^_^ :)

I think that's great!

I work in a very large company because its a retail store. I'm pretty open with it to my co-workers because they get concerned why i'm tired all the time or why i seem to be "not there". It definetly helps.

I just don't my bosses will get it and I don't want them thinking I can't do my job because of this, even though I struggle.

*****

Back to the original post for second...how do I not go regressed, any ideas?? I figure that is similar to the emotional numbing or at least an aspect to it...but when I start to regress i can't stop it!

 

[Kunoichi]

I felt a twinge of sadness today....it was horrible but as I'm crying (which I haven't been able to do except once since leaving my abuse) ..i was thinking "i wish I could just cry more...i wish I could feel this more"....as horrible as it was..i still wanted to FEEL.

I feel so mixed up now..unsure of what are "real" and not "real"

 

[Mina]

I don't know if it helps, Kunoichi, but as it's been explained to me, progress involves a certain amount of regression. We want progress to be linear, but it isn't...much of the time it's more like two steps forward, one step back.

I was getting very frustrated with myself when I felt like I was regressing. When we talked about it, my T drew me this diagram (I hope it attaches properly) to explain progress. I have her original post-it sitting on my desk at work...it frequently reminds me that the progress path is not constantly moving in an upwards direction. This concept has really helped me be patient with myself, and forgive myself for relapsing here and there. I'm still on the path of progress...it just sometimes moves a little bit backward.

Hang in there :Hug_emoticon: and good job on feeling something, and crying! That is progress!

 

[Kunoichi]

Mina,

thank you soooo much. These diagram and your words really helped me ^_^

 

[Auroch]

This particular topic is something I have thought about more since I have come to these boards, that never really crossed my mind before. I don't think it is fair to say that the amount of emotional "loss" is directly related to the trauma, since there are a lot of other factors involved. If the trauma is severe enough though - it certainly does cause this kind of thing, and every T I have ever talked with has given me the same answer - It's permanent for some, not for others. Either way, if you don't work at it you will never know which category you fall into.

After a couple of years of trying, I am starting to think with me that this is just how I am. I was so young, in the middle of the most formative years, when the trauma started for me. I'm not sure there is a pre-trauma state I can revert to, and start to learn again which is apparently possible for some reason. Luckily for me (I guess) because of the overall disassociation I don't feel to bad about it.