How to Feel Again? - Emotional Numbing

[Kunoichi]

Auroch,

I hope that this isn't permanent...my abuse was only 5 years..."only" being a relative term...but it was in the teen development stages (16 to 21) so I think it may have affected me alot....it makes sense what you say tho that you have to revert to pre-trauma state...maybe why I regress to 8 yrs old or younger??

*hugs

 

[Auroch]

Yep. At least that is what I have been told and have read on my own (And I'm finishing up a Bachelor's degree in Psych right now).

 

[Dylan]

I disagree; I don't believe this is a crapshoot.

Neuroplasticity is more and more at the forefront of the mental health/ mental science front and the results appear to be that we CAN rewire our brain!

Wiring having to do with survival is more difficult to be sure, but I absolutely do not agree that it's a crapshoot "maybe you're one of the lucky ones, maybe you're not" kind of an idea.

Obviously, the younger a person is when the wiring begins, the more work it takes to rewire. I relate to not having much of a "before" me to compare to. I don't have an image of myself I'm trying to get back to. I believe that those with early onset trauma are at a disadvantage to those who experience trauma later (once the personality is formed). For most of my life I've felt like a blind person trying to understand the color blue.... trying to BUILD a personality formation from scratch is kinda tough.

ANYway, here's some info: "The brain's neural network changes over time in response to outside stimuli according to the theory of Neuroplasticity. Scientists once believed that the brain’s neural pathways formed within the first few years of life and, once formed, were largely fixed. With significant implications for learning over a lifetime, recent brain research is increasingly showing that the brain's neural network is flexible and dynamic.....taken together, cortical plasticity and synaptic plasticity paint a picture of a brian with the ability to be incredibly malleable, adaptable, and responsive."

This is incredibly encouraging information! What this tells me that, no matter how young I was when the trauma began (mine was chronic, not single/multiple incidents and began wthen I was 4-5 years old) I CAN take charge of this thing and start rewiring my brain.

Thus far, I'm finding it to be painful, difficult as hell, frustrating, and seemingly endless and slow....but the "aha" moments, the change is REAL and LASTING. The brain's wiring CAN and WILL change with persistent effort. More good news is that I've heard from others that it's kind of like a mountain....the initial rewiring is pushing that frigging rock up, up, up, but once the peak has been reached, a certain momentum takes hold (the brain is wired MORE in favor of the healthy wiring) and it takes on a life of its own. Thank god. I can't maintain this effort forever.

Google Neuroplasticity and you can find lots of info on it. CBT and other related forms of CBT are the most powerful in working to rewire the brain.

HTH-
-Dylan

 

[Tinyflame]

....but the "aha" moments, the change is REAL and LASTING. The brain's wiring CAN and WILL change with persistent effort.

Dylan- from my experience I agree entirely.

Lots of effort, lots of work, lots of honesty, the proper resources, lots of practise.. more "practise" :rolleyes:, but the "aha" moments ARE incredible and lasting.

 

[Kunoichi]

Dylan,

thank you both for the information and the encouragement. I am finding that I am starting to 'leak" out feelings. its hard for me to process and understand. I don't understand it when I do feel (I've only done so 3 times so far) but I think I'd rather feel than not *even the really hard stuff). And I agree, it is like a mountain...I haven't reached my peak yet, I know that..but thank you for giving me encourament :)

Another question:

Is it "normal" to be afraid of the concept of happiness? I don't know who I am (personality or anything due to the controlling and isolation) so...the concept of being free from all this to me is a little scary....seem wierd?

 

[Dylan]

Kunoichi,

I think this question would be a great topic for a separate thread, only so that people would see it. I struggle mightily with this fear and it trips me up a lot.

For me, I think it goes back to safety (as it seems everything does for me). If I'm happy, hopeful, I'm vulnerable. If I'm vigilant, serious, I'm safer. If I'm depressed, I can't be hurt.

If I'm already crouched on the ground, my center of gravity is low, my balance is more easily kept. If I'm standing up, my center of gravity is stretched, my ability to stay balanced is less and I can be knocked over.

This is almost purely subconscious for me. In fact, this very issue was the underlying precurser and catalyst for my last (and worst, to date) spin out. I had done some hard work, started feeling better, dove into life and.........wipe out!

So, I have learned to distrust and fear happiness. But the upside is, if I learned it, I can unlearn it (there's that neuroplasticity again!).

Thanks for posting....I didn't realize this might be a PTSD-common trait and I'm really struggling with the subconscious "sabotage" right now. I'm trying to work on this unconscious belief, but it's very tenacious and very slippery. While I do realize that it's trying to keep me safe, it's hard to be patient; it's tiring to have my only options be either feeling good and getting slammed to the ground or feeling bad and...well, just feeling bad.

-Dylan

 

[fairandcold]

Man, I hear all of you. I just got married on the 22nd of November and now I feel numb towards everything, especially him.

How it pains me to not be able to feel the fire of the passions I once held. He was once my everything, now usually nothing more than nothing.

It rips me apart knowing that I have these feelings and yet I can't push them away. The only real feeling I get nowadays is pure anger.

Anger at myself, anger at the world for putting me in this position.

Sigh.

 

[Kunoichi]

Fairandcold,

I have actually been able to be initmate with my hubby 3 times which is a great blessing. Without flashbacking or dissociating and with actually being able to be there with him if that makes sense. i was able to feel a twinge of what love is between husband and wife..it was a great feeling.

I think your feelings will come, as you work on yoru trauma they tend to trickle and for me, only small instances.

 

[Cindy]

Learning to feel feelings

Who would have thought this is such a challenge to anyone, and then there is us :).

I was numb and flat for so many years I had no clue what feelings were. I felt so stupid. Slowly as they began to appear I struggled to identify what emotion it was and recognize them.

I began by recognizing the physical sensations associated with the feeling. When I was angry my stomach would get upset, my heart would race, and often I would get a head ache. I have never expressed anger well because it was not allowed as a child without negative consequences. It helps to get a list of feelings in your head or on a card to decide which one it is and describe the body sensations associated with the feeling.

It all sounds so unbelievable that I had to do just this in order to learn and identify emotions. When you are numb to the world for decades it's amazing the simple things we have missed. That's why sometimes I make myself sit on a park bench on a hot summer day and lick an ice cream cone just to enjoy simple pleasure.

Cindy

 

[Kunoichi]

Cindy,

That is exactly how I have learned to "feel" emotions through physical connotations. IT was the only way I could feel. I was trained not to express emotions other than the ones my abuser wanted. IT was NOT allowed without punishment (though he never called it that).

It is amazing that this is even an issue we have to deal with...it makes me feel subhuman but I know its not my fault.

Thank you for those that keep responding. I really appreciate it.

Kunoichi

 

[Cindy]

We're not subhuman ... that's awful to think

My therapist once expressed to me that I was emotionally stunted due to my abuse at a young age. I shut down early to any feeling. So as an adult trying to develop appropriate emotional responses is sometimes difficult. I mean, I don't burst out in hysterical laughter at a funeral, but trying to respond to situations at the proper level not my living dead reactions.

It does make me angry to be this way as a result of others actions towards me but I can only deal with it and move forward. Nothing can change the past.

Why I responded to you is to was the comment about being below human. If anything I think we are superhumans for surviving as we have and persistantly trying to better ourselves. Some of us through our own adversity are even more empathetic and responsive to individuals in society. Something good from bad.

So, I DISAGREE WE ARE SUBHUMAN! Maybe we are a little behind in some areas but we are way ahead in others.

Cindy

 

[beatle_bailey]

Hi freind

I think you are a very real human . because of our strugle to over come our problems we may feel many uncomfortable feelings but they are real and very human .
never stop trying to heal . take all the advise that feel right to you .
you have instinks , trust your gutt . . if they say cry , let it flow . if they say reach out for help , do it if they say danger , move to a save place . . my thoughts are with you .so glad to be back
:occasion: Beatle Bailey