How to feel safe again?

[csa072112]

I recently shared some very difficult things with my husband of 6 years about being molested by a cousin at a very young age. After doing so he very quickly said to me "and that was your best friend growing up?!", because we grew up together.
He immediately made me feel like it was my fault that it happened and I felt like I could no longer share with him the things I had gone through.
I explained to him how he made me feel and he stands by his comment.
How am I ever supposed to feel safe again when I can't even feel safe with the one person I should?

 

[EveHarrington]

If he’s unwilling to budge and/or discuss, maybe safety with him is dead.

 

[Freida]

I explained to him how he made me feel and he stands by his comment.

This is a huge red flag. Are you working with a therapist? If not, I'd suggest finding one to help you answer that question. If he refuses to support you (like this comment shows) then a therapist can help you figure out what you want to do next

 

[blackemerald1]

@csa072112

Why does everyone think that everyone will act appropriately every time?

He sounds like he could have been shocked, dismayed, disgusted, angry etc., ??? He probably thought he knew most things that were very important about you? And then you tell him that this incredibly personal and intimate assault happened to you. Can you stop and imagine how he might feel? People process things at different rates.

Of course he should have been more comforting and understanding. I agree with @Frieda. But dissect it for a moment. You have lived with this horrible knowledge and trauma for your whole life (or a lot of it). You have married a man who hasn't had to deal with trauma... I'm guessing of any kind? The last thing he would imagine is this happening to his wife!

You have had a long time knowing this. He has had virtually none? I am wary of people who are instantly comforting and soothing. I know it is possible to have empathy and all of that. But do you get what I mean? He might have been taken completely by surprise? Is that possible?

I'll give you another example - bit off but it shows the point I am trying to make. Have you seen those telly shows where women are giving birth and their husbands/partners are present? Have you seen the myriad different responses those men have to the birthing process? Some of the ways they cope with a completely normal event are wildly inappropriate. Do you get my point?

Is he really blaming you? Or is he shell shocked. Has his whole world just been tipped on it's edge?

he stands by his comment.

I don't want to be horrible here but when you tell someone you love - something really terrible... their first responses are not always their best or the one's they are going to hang on to, or be the most proud of. I've seen it many times. Eg. Telling a relative that a person has died. Relative attacks messenger and behaves very badly... denial etc.,

This really is up there with impact akin to death. It might not feel like it to you but for some people sexual assault never really happens and not ever to people they love etc.

If they are a professional with knowledge of trauma etc., or a survivor of trauma themselves there is a chance that their first response may be appropriate.

But husbands who want to be the protector ...don't always get it right. He might feel bad for you. He may feel unable to fix this and that is a big problem for men who consider themselves strong and the alpha male in the house-hold.

How am I ever supposed to feel safe again when I can't even feel safe with the one person I should?

^^The ability to process information and formulate an appropriate response depends on so many variables. Have you given him the chance to get his head around it all? You told this man because you trusted him. I can see that his initial response has been far from appropriate and has let you down. But he cannot change what you have just told him. It has changed both of your lives now. Can you see this?

Has he protected you in the past? Has he been trustworthy in the past?

Are you having any kind of treatment for this trauma? Maybe rather than looking to him for acceptance (some people are not good at finding out these things) go to a trauma specialist and work through it all with him/her. A good therapist may assist you with dealing with the fall-out with your husband too.

I think it's really important to not take on board what his initial response is. Give him time and ways to help you. Ask him to help you work through this. This is a marriage and you have just dropped a big bomb on it. It's not your fault but it does effect you both. Be patient.

I get that it would be great to join with everyone and dam your husband because of what you have described. Take a moment to step back and see if he is really making you feel all of that. It might take him a while to work it all out but I see no reason right now why you both cannot work through this together.

I think you were very brave to bring it out and into the relationship. A lot of people do not.

 

[grit]

I am sorry your husband let you down. It is hard to discuss this obviously as a third person. It is also possible your husband has his own thing in his closet. When people lack empathy this level but yet are usually good people otherwise, hmmm there is something missing in their own development.
I used to also think rape adult victims should fight back why not...they could run, scream blahahhaha before I undone my trauma. It was not I was monster it was just that my own defense was sky high! now I weep for all victims because I acknowledge the pain in me.

I am not making excuse for your husband but if he is a good person otherwise and you are shocked. Take your shock to therapy and process it as your healing journey and let him come to his sense but YOU FIRST. TAKE CARE.

 

[EveHarrington]

@csa072112

Why does everyone think that everyone will act appropriately every time?

He sounds like he could have been shocked, dismayed, disgusted, angry etc., ??? He probably thought he knew most things that were very important about you? And then you tell him that this incredibly personal and intimate assault happened to you. Can you stop and imagine how he might feel? People process things at different rates.

Of course he should have been more comforting and understanding. I agree with @Frieda. But dissect it for a moment. You have lived with this horrible knowledge and trauma for your whole life (or a lot of it). You have married a man who hasn't had to deal with trauma... I'm guessing of any kind? The last thing he would imagine is this happening to his wife!

You have had a long time knowing this. He has had virtually none? I am wary of people who are instantly comforting and soothing. I know it is possible to have empathy and all of that. But do you get what I mean? He might have been taken completely by surprise? Is that possible?

I'll give you another example - bit off but it shows the point I am trying to make. Have you seen those telly shows where women are giving birth and their husbands/partners are present? Have you seen the myriad different responses those men have to the birthing process? Some of the ways they cope with a completely normal event are wildly inappropriate. Do you get my point?

Is he really blaming you? Or is he shell shocked. Has his whole world just been tipped on it's edge?



I don't want to be horrible here but when you tell someone you love - something really terrible... their first responses are not always their best or the one's they are going to hang on to, or be the most proud of. I've seen it many times. Eg. Telling a relative that a person has died. Relative attacks messenger and behaves very badly... denial etc.,

This really is up there with impact akin to death. It might not feel like it to you but for some people sexual assault never really happens and not ever to people they love etc.

If they are a professional with knowledge of trauma etc., or a survivor of trauma themselves there is a chance that their first response may be appropriate.

But husbands who want to be the protector ...don't always get it right. He might feel bad for you. He may feel unable to fix this and that is a big problem for men who consider themselves strong and the alpha male in the house-hold.



^^The ability to process information and formulate an appropriate response depends on so many variables. Have you given him the chance to get his head around it all? You told this man because you trusted him. I can see that his initial response has been far from appropriate and has let you down. But he cannot change what you have just told him. It has changed both of your lives now. Can you see this?

Has he protected you in the past? Has he been trustworthy in the past?

Are you having any kind of treatment for this trauma? Maybe rather than looking to him for acceptance (some people are not good at finding out these things) go to a trauma specialist and work through it all with him/her. A good therapist may assist you with dealing with the fall-out with your husband too.

I think it's really important to not take on board what his initial response is. Give him time and ways to help you. Ask him to help you work through this. This is a marriage and you have just dropped a big bomb on it. It's not your fault but it does effect you both. Be patient.

I get that it would be great to join with everyone and dam your husband because of what you have described. Take a moment to step back and see if he is really making you feel all of that. It might take him a while to work it all out but I see no reason right now why you both cannot work through this together.

I think you were very brave to bring it out and into the relationship. A lot of people do not.

I really wish you knew what it felt like to have safety knocked out of you in an instant.

You reply based on wise mind when those of ya who are taking about safety lost are operating in triggered/emotional mind.

You cannot, can not just reason this stuff away. It's not necessarily rational.

A sense of safety is precarious, it is what it is, and we shouldn't be shamed by others who don't understand what it's like to have safety disappear in an instant.

It's confusing. It's bewildering. It feels like you're in a maze with no way out.

We don't deserve to be shamed because you simply don't understand where we are coming from.

 

[Friday]

How am I ever supposed to feel safe again when I can't even feel safe with the one person I should?

1. Now is not forever. He said something that shocked you. That doesn’t mean that you’re going to remain shocked and untrusting forever.

2. What @blackemerald1 said. You’ve known this your whole life and are “still” very touchy about it, yes? He’s known for all of 2 seconds, and were expecting a perfect response from him? Without telling him what that response would be? Maybe cut the guy a little bit of slack?

3. From an outside perspective,,, What he said isn’t super insane, or inherently hurtful. To the contrary, it’s a very legitimate question. Was this your best friend growing up? Or was this an entirely different cousin? If it was, it paints a very different picture than if your response was “Oh god no! Not Sheila! My other cousin.” Both are bad, just in different ways. Like being date raped is bad, and spousal rape is bad. But they paint very different pictures of what your life was, if it was someone you had a profound and long term relationship with, and that the adults in your life would have encouraged you to be around, etc. than if it was someone you met once.

4. Today, being asked if this was your best friend growing up hurt you. On a different day, do you think the exact same comment might have brought a flooding relief of “Oh god! He understands! He understands that this was someone who I trusted, and loved, and was so deeply betrayed by!” ? Meaning... how much do you think your own reaction was primed by telling him hard stuff for the first time? That thing that happens when we’re so worked up there is no right response, because everything is going to be taken badly?

5. When he says he stands by what he says... is he saying that in a “What I said wasn’t meant to hurt you.” kind of way? Or what are his reasons for it?

6. What kind of man is your husband? A good man? A kind one? An abusive one?

 

[iit2009]

I recently shared some very difficult things with my husband of 6 years about being molested by a cousin at a very young age. After doing so he very quickly said to me "and that was your best friend growing up?!", because we grew up together.
He immediately made me feel like it was my fault that it happened and I felt like I could no longer share with him the things I had gone through.
I explained to him how he made me feel and he stands by his comment.
How am I ever supposed to feel safe again when I can't even feel safe with the one person I should?

There is a painful emotional dimension when a person dealing with PTSD tries to reach out to a loved one for support and understanding, and they get in return a verbal or non-verbal response that it was your fault or it was something that happened long time ago. Hang in there. If they were fortunate to not have suffered from a trauma like yours, the hope is that they will appreciate it one day. In the meantime, surround yourself with a supportive circle of people who you trust. Even if it is just one person. You are not alone.

 

[csa072112]

1. Now is not forever. He said something that shocked you. That doesn’t mean that you’re going to remain shocked and untrusting forever.

2. What @blackemerald1 said. You’ve known this your whole life and are “still” very touchy about it, yes? He’s known for all of 2 seconds, and were expecting a perfect response from him? Without telling him what that response would be? Maybe cut the guy a little bit of slack?

3. From an outside perspective,,, What he said isn’t super insane, or inherently hurtful. To the contrary, it’s a very legitimate question. Was this your best friend growing up? Or was this an entirely different cousin? If it was, it paints a very different picture than if your response was “Oh god no! Not Sheila! My other cousin.” Both are bad, just in different ways. Like being date raped is bad, and spousal rape is bad. But they paint very different pictures of what your life was, if it was someone you had a profound and long term relationship with, and that the adults in your life would have encouraged you to be around, etc. than if it was someone you met once.

4. Today, being asked if this was your best friend growing up hurt you. On a different day, do you think the exact same comment might have brought a flooding relief of “Oh god! He understands! He understands that this was someone who I trusted, and loved, and was so deeply betrayed by!” ? Meaning... how much do you think your own reaction was primed by telling him hard stuff for the first time? That thing that happens when we’re so worked up there is no right response, because everything is going to be taken badly?

5. When he says he stands by what he says... is he saying that in a “What I said wasn’t meant to hurt you.” kind of way? Or what are his reasons for it?

6. What kind of man is your husband? A good man? A kind one? An abusive one?

I can see where you are coming from on the outside. Let me give you some more insight to the situation.
This was a new development and first discussion I had with anyone ever. I had been spending a lot of time trying to remember pieces of my childhood because so much of it has been blocked out, so when the memories came flooding back to me I needed a safe place.
After telling my husband everything that happened he did not ask me if I was ok, he said " and that was your best friend growing up?!" It was said with snark, because that is his demeanor. I told him that the way he said that was very rude and he replied with "well it's true". My husband is blunt. He is not very warm. He is very black and white. And in this moment I learned a very big and real lesson, that may affect a lot of things, in my time of need I don't know if he will be the one I can rely on for that support. It was just a very painful realization and it did make it harder for me to work on my PTSD.

 

[Friday]

And in this moment I learned a very big and real lesson, that may affect a lot of things, in my time of need I don't know if he will be the one I can rely on for that support.

Probably very true, unless certain conditions were met in advance, and even then... if what you need regarding CSA & trauma stuff is outside of his natural character... May always be true.

That doesn’t mean it’s the end of trusting him, in all ways, forever. (Much less everyone else).

As an example, my sister is one of my best friends. I don’t tell her anything I’m emotionally invested in. Because she will OOZE sympathy (stop it), weeping and wailing (seriously, stop it), trying to wrap me up in her arms (get off), all whilst telling me how terrible it all is (oh FFS I was there, I know how terrible it was!). :bored: Yuck. Shudder. Icky. Grooooooooooss. Go. Away.

I know this, both because I have made the mistake of telling her things in the past, and this was her response, as well as seeing her with other family members & her friends... same response to them as well. She’s like an emotional water ballon being lobbed at your head, and will very cheerfully spend the next 3 days sobbing and telling you how wonderful you are, and how terrible everything is. For the most part, her friends love it. It’s part of why they are friends. It’s not that it’s a wrong or bad response to have, it’s just not one I find useful. Slight understatement.

I DESPISE her natural response to problems. :wtf:

I love the snot out of her. She really is one of my best friends. And I trust her, implicitly, across countless areas.

Just not this one. Or, to be more precise, I trust her to BE HERSELF. Which isn’t what I need or want, when I am eyeballs deep in it.

She’s a wonderful, fabulous, amazing person... whom I am extremely blessed to have in my life. But there’s no way on planet earth I’m telling her anything that will have her sobbing all over me, that I actually care about. I can’t deal with her emotions, in addition to my own.

So if your husband is a good man, that you love dearly? He may not be the person to turn to when you’re dealing with sexual assault issues, but that doesn’t mean that he still can’t be the one you turn to for everything else you’ve always turned to him, for. “Simply” turn to a therapist for CSA stuff, the same way you’d turn to girlfriends for girl talk.

Of course, if he’s not a good man, that’s a different kettle of fish, entirely.

 

[Freida]

As an example, my sister is one of my best friends. I don’t tell her anything I’m emotionally invested in. Because she will OOZE sympathy (stop it), weeping and wailing (seriously, stop it), trying to wrap me up in her arms (get off), all whilst telling me how terrible it all is (oh FFS I was there, I know how terrible it was!). :bored: Yuck. Shudder. Icky. Grooooooooooss. Go. Away.

ohmigod!!! My sister is the same way! If I tell her I broke a nail its a trauma -- if she knew any of the rest she would suffocate me! So happy it's not just me - cause yep, love the hell out of her but I want to kill her half the time

 

[blackemerald1]

And in this moment I learned a very big and real lesson, that may affect a lot of things, in my time of need I don't know if he will be the one I can rely on for that support. It was just a very painful realization and it did make it harder for me to work on my PTSD.

Oh I get this...^^ there are some people in my life whom it would (from the outside) appear completely natural, obvious and logical to have supported me with my trauma. But it didn't happen. Quite the reverse.

I learned that a whole stack of people in my life simply cannot handle the truth?? (Wait..wasn't that a line in a movie :rolleyes:) So whilst everyone thought everyone else was supporting me...which meant in reality I had no support...I really did have to go and find people who could. That is a challenge but quite doable. It doesn't have to be your husband who supports you with this. Yes it would ideal and maybe sometime in the future he will soften up a bit.

Your marriage isn't made up entirely with your ptsd and trauma is it? Be careful of thinking everyone has fabulous partners who know all the right things to say and do every single time and can get their heads around ptsd and trauma. It simply isn't true. Why would sites like this exist if that was the case? Why would there be therapists etc. Go and have a look at the supporter section here and see how bamboozled a LOT of supporters are. I see many questions about what should I do, what should I be thinking, what the HELL is going on!?

I learned that some people cannot ever get their heads around it and in some cases they didn't even want to. I learned that this is quite okay.. It did hurt hugely for a while but I am over it and them not getting it now. I do ruminate about it now and then however. Ugh. I still have relationships with these people. In some cases I must. We just never discuss my ptsd or related subjects. I'm okay with this. It was brutal and raw for a long time though.

Ironically, when the sh*t has hit the fan for some of them years later...guess who they scramble around to ring ... it's a bit of an awkward situation bc on the one hand I want to say 'well get f**ked!! you were NEVER there for me so why should I help you now? I'm not a good person when I think like that!! :sorry:

But the nice (er) and more mature part of me understands that they never really had the emotional depth or scope to handle what happened to me and now trauma has dropped into their world and MADE them deal with it.

Who can blame them??...mental health is scary, trauma is ugly, getting treatment is difficult and slow ugh.. I would instantly stop being mental if a jeenie in a bottle gave me a wish!! :)

On the other hand there are people that I depend on to hang in there with me. They are able to handle the ugly truth and not amp up my trauma with hysterical catastrophising (sp.?) statements. It's their serene calmness and practical ability to weather my storms that make them so incredibly valuable to me. They can handle the truth!! :joyful:

I told him that the way he said that was very rude and he replied with "well it's true". My husband is blunt. He is not very warm. He is very black and white.

Good on you for telling him he was rude! You were being as honest as he was. Everyone doesn't have to be multi-coloured warm and fuzzy to be okay. He probably has smudges of grey now and then? At least you know where you stand with him. People like this are needed because they can cut through all the fluff...

Can I ask you what you would have wanted him to say? That's important because if you really drill down into the appropriate response's that are completely true and meaningful... there are not many I can think of beside's :wtf: !! AND remember he isn't a psydoc, trauma counsellor etc., etc., He hasn't got experience or knowledge or a nice comfy office to lock up and leave at the end of the day.