Relationship How To Forgive

[dimplesg520]

I'm hoping for some opinions or advice on my situation.

My boyfriend just got home in July after his fourth 9-month tour in Afghanistan. He had a TBI during his last deployment (2008-2009), and the symptoms never really went away. He still has horrible, stroke-like headaches where his speech is affected, he doesn't remember anything, etc. They're like a migraine but ten times worse and they're because of his TBI. He also has REM sleep behavior disorder, where he "wakes up" and appears awake, but is really sleeping, and acts out his dreams. Last week he thought I was an Afghan boy holding out a grenade to him, trying to blow him up.

Anyway, since he has gotten home this time, he has struggled with severe depression, PTSD, suicidal thoughts and behaviors, and alcohol abuse. He has also been getting the headaches more frequently. Last Saturday, I was cleaning the closet and accidentally dropped a box, which made a loud noise. He freaked out and left the house for 3 hours. When he came back, he was so intoxicated he couldn't walk, and was physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive with me to the point that I was truly afraid of what he might do to me and had to call the police. They came and took him to the psychiatric ER locally, where he was detoxed, and they sent him to the closest VA inpatient behavioral health program for the past week. I just picked him up and brought him home yesterday.

The problem is that when he is "normal", he is super sweet and nice and loving. When he has these headaches, or when he drinks, he is extremely emotionally and verbally abusive, to the point that I end up in tears because the things he is saying are the exact things I'm most sensitive about. He knows that and when he is like that, he purposely exploits my most sensitive areas to hurt me the most. Except, the problem is that he doesn't remember ANYTHING of what he has said (or done), usually for the entire period plus about 2-4 hours before and after. Sometimes, he won't remember whole days when he has these episodes.

He is very committed to getting help, and I think it's great. What I am struggling very badly with is that when he says those things, it's not really him saying them. He doesn't remember the awful things he says to me, but I can't forget any of it. They repeat in my head in a loop, over and over, and it makes it difficult to believe him when he says how much he loves me, because sometimes the day before he told me what a terrible person I am.

Does anyone else struggle with this? Does anyone have any advice about how to forgive what he said and try to forget it so we can move on? Please help!

Thank you,
Gabbi

 

[JarHed]

Hi Gabbi

I'm sorry to hear of your boyfriends problems. He has a huge struggle ahead of him which will take probably years to sort out and learn to manage. Just PTSD alone is a life altering and lifetime condition. I wish there were a nice ending or something much more positive that I can say to make your situation better.

I'm a vet with PTSD and it's a constant struggle. I noticed your post on the other site, it was very nice and well put. We're a pretty surly bunch there but I'm sure you can understand why.

As a care giver and supporter of someone with so many problems stemming from his combat tours I can say this. The wives and girlfriends of vets with these conditions don't always have a lasting relationship. Many vets have had multiple marriages and many relationships that have failed. It's not till he can get a handle on it all that he will be able to make something like that work. I'm sorry for your suffering and wish there was a way around it. I'd also say be careful, the anger side of this condition can be very bad and you also have to look out for yourself and your own safety. You are a caring and loving person or you wouldn't be trying to find out how to help him and deal with it all. It always saddens me when I have to say these things but it's better to know what you're going to be dealing with than to sugar coat it somehow.

And although he may seem, as you put it, 'normal' at times, he isn't. What was normal for him and how he was before all this happened he will never be again. He like us all will have to reinvent himself as time goes forward and he hopefully gets the proper treatment. We never know what the future will hold for us so I wish you both my best and hope that things will get better in time.

JarHed

 

[dimplesg520]

Hi JarHed,

He already has an ex-wife and actually has some PTSD from her being so emotionally and verbally abusive in their 20 year marriage, so I do know how much of a struggle it can be. He is working hard to get better, going to support groups and therapy sessions twice a week, and is going to a 4-week inpatient program in January (that's the soonest opening).

I truly love him and don't want to leave him, but I don't want to be living in a fantasy land either. I know it is hard, and he has been struggling with it in some aspect for our whole 2 year relationship (it got worse when he came home from Afghanistan in July). The biggest problem I'm having is that when he has his violent, angry episodes, he doesn't remember them later. Like, doesn't remember ANYTHING. So on one hand I want to do what's best for both of us, even if that means breaking up and giving him time and space to heal, but on the other hand... how can I do that to him when he has no recollection of the things that happened until I tell him, so he is obviously not doing them on purpose? You know what I mean?

I am more than willing to help him through the difficult times and I know it won't be easy. The sudden onset of his physical/verbal/emotional abuse and other scarier things, like leaving his combat knife next to him stuck in the floor while he sleeps because he thinks he's in Afghanistan, trying to steal the car keys when he's having one of his headaches, etc. -- those are the things that are starting to get to me. They've only started in the last 2 months, before that they never happened, and they are the things that make me question staying because at those times I am scared for my safety, his safety, the safety of our dogs and people around us. But again.. how can I hold those things against him when he doesn't know he is doing them, doesn't remember doing them, and unless he is having one of his episodes, wouldn't do them? I know it's not him that is doing those things, it's his TBI and his sleep disorder, and somewhat his PTSD, so I don't feel like I can hold that against him. But I don't know what to do.

Thank you for your kind and helpful words, though. I appreciate it. Just finding this forum has made me feel a lot better, knowing that I'm not alone in going through all of this. I wish there was a magic ball that could predict how his treatment would turn out, but of course there isn't, so we will just have to see how it goes. Thank you again. :)

 

[Toria]

Hello - is he having or has he had treatment for his TBI? Stroke-like headaches sound very serious to me - I'm just wondering to what extent the brain injury is causing the behaviour as opposed to - or as well as - the PTSD? x

 

[JarHed]

Hi Dimples

I'm glad to hear he's in a treatment program. Many of the symptoms of PTSD and TBI don't show up right away. It's a terrible condition and I can relate to the things that you've said that he's done. I've been there myself. It's going to take time and a great deal of patience from you if you want your relationship with him to last. I know that there are many woman here in similar situations that will be glad to help you with your problems and questions. You're right, you're not alone.

I don't know if your boyfriend would be agreeable to it but there are many on the other site, combat PTSD, that would want to help and support him as well. We do try to help every vet that comes there but unfortunately many still fall though the cracks. We all wish there were a magic ball to predict our own behavior as well. Another friend, a vet also, said this; you get up everyday and do what you can to make the best of it. It's pretty good advice for living life in general. Regardless of what some may say, we figure out life as we go along. Hope it all works out for you both.

JarHed

 

[BehindBlueEyes]

Jarhed, Im new here but how would I find the other site ? The combat PTSD may be more of what kind of resources I am needing.

 

[JarHed]

Hi Michelle

I tried to post the link but I don't believe I have the post count yet to do that, sorry. You can also google it as combat PTSD forum and it should come up. Or perhaps someone can post that for you.

If you're a vet, that's fine, but it's for Combat Veterans with PTSD only. You may read the posts but if you join and aren't a vet with PTSD you will eventually get banned. I hope you find what you need. If I can be of help, let me know either here or feel free to pm me.

JarHed

 

[amethist]

Link Removed
This is the link you need Michelle, but as Jarhad said for those not a veteran it is read only, you will be banned if you register.

 

[dimplesg520]

@Toria - At the time of his TBI, he didn't get treatment and was forced back out into the field, like so many guys are unfortunately. He didn't receive treatment until a good 6 months later, and still has these headaches all the time. While he was deployed this time, he saw the neurologists in Bagram and they did a CAT scan while he was having one and said that the blood vessels in a certain part of his brain somehow don't get enough oxygen and they start to dilate, and that's when he gets the headaches. When he has them, he can't walk, his speech is slurred, blurry vision, a lot of times he vomits, etc. in addition to the pain. The only way he can get rid of them is to sleep them off, but it takes a good 8-12, sometimes up to 18 hours of continuous sleep for it to go away. So it's not really because of his PTSD, but when he has the headaches his PTSD flares up for that day and up to two days after, and he is more prone to a sleep disorder flare up when he has the headaches -- dreaming about his time in Afghanistan and acting out his dreams. The doctors say there's not much he can do about them but he sees another neurologist next month so I am hoping for some medicine or something at all to help.

 

[dimplesg520]

Hi JarHed,

I suggested the other site to him but he didn't seem very receptive to it. He has tried going on IAVA before but he said it didn't help much. He isn't very open to sharing his problems with other people, or even trying to meet people that are going through what he is. It's frustrating because I can't make him, but I think it would really help. His self-motivation seems to be little to nothing lately, and I know a lot of it is because of his PTSD/depression. He used to go to the gym every day but he hasn't been in weeks, doesn't do anything around the house anymore, etc. I've suffered from depression myself so I know how the struggle can be about doing things, but I also know from experience that breaking the cycle and doing the things you used to usually helps. But again, I can't make him. I'll just keep encouraging him, and maybe he will check it out soon. I like the advice your vet friend gave though, I've been thinking about it a lot lately. Thanks for passing it on. :)

Hope you had a good Veterans Day!

 

[JarHed]

Hey Dimples

Veterans Day is always tough but it's important to take some time to remember, but thanks for asking.

It's frustrating because I can't make him, but I think it would really help.

Ahh, there's the crux of it. Even he knows it would be better to do something and I'm sure he knows you're right. It's the getting motivated part that's hard. Taking that first step. For a lot of vets it's very difficult to come to terms with and admit that you actually have a problem that you can't solve and need help with. Even when you've started getting some help I think deep inside somewhere you still think that you can do it alone. Truth is, you can't. But he's going to have to get to that point by himself. It's hard to see someone you care about like that and feel helpless about it. Stay strong, it will always be one day at a time.

JarHed

 

[dimplesg520]

Hey JarHed,

Is there anything thing that you find that your loved one can do to motivate you without pushing you about it? He has asked before for me to remind him about certain things, and the exact words that would be helpful. But when I say them, he says "yeah yeah" and then doesn't do them. He asked me to write him notes to remind him of things, and I have, but after the first couple of times, he just says "oh I forgot", even though he has kept the note. It's especially frustrating because I want to help and when he tells me those things to do to help, I think it will really make a difference... but it almost seems like maybe they're things he says to get me off his back so that he can seem like he's going to be motivated but then ends up not?

It took him a very long time to actually be focused on his treatment. He's been home since July and in therapy since August but he never really made much of an effort to do the self-therapy things at home, or read the books we got about PTSD, or to contact his chain of command about help. He only started really being motivated to start it since the incident a few weeks ago where I had to call the cops to take him to the psych ER, but even then, he's been saying he'll go to groups and start AA meetings, and hasn't even checked the schedules yet.

I understand the pride thing, and the being a man especially in the military thing, where it's hard or looked upon as weak to ask for help. Every time I try to have a conversation about why he doesn't do these things or what part of the motivation he lacks, he gets really defensive and won't talk. I just would like to understand why, so that I can see why he doesn't do things instead of just getting upset about them.

Is there anything that helps you become motivated? Is there anything other people can do for you that helps you, or do you have to come to it on your own? I just want to help him and to understand what he's going through so that I can be more empathetic.