Relationship How To Give Space???

[j4mes]

Hi, only wish I had joined earlier. Hope you receive see this anyway.

Is it a Tuesday thing? This is the first time it has happened to me in our relationship. Been together 3 months although I have known her for 14 years. I kind of thought fate had brought us back together but anyway it was fab....so loving and everything, making plans for the future. Well I took her away for a romantic weekend (3 nights) ended up coming home early. Next day she said I need some "Space" and I have not heard anything all week not replying to my texts or calls, even turned her phone off.

I'm so relieved to know its not me and sure I must of said something whilst we were away to trigger it off as I am a man who sometimes "don't think before opening gob" but really....is the word "space" popular with PTSD suffers cos it seems to be a common word from all my recent research and does PTSD really effect their ability to say "I think I am having a rough patch best if you leave me for a while...love you....don't worry will be back soon" that way I can get on with my life but its the ignorance that hurts so much. Is it a control thing or a way off punishing people for their past hurt?

Sorry you can tell I'm feeling a bit raw but I've been up in the clouds for months and now hit the ground with a thump.

Hope someone replies to my rant.....Thankyou

 

[Nicolette]

Welcome j4mes

Is it a control thing or a way off punishing people for their past hurt?

It can be a variety of things but generally their brain overloads with too much stress, good or bad, so isolating gives them a change to slow it all down and process all the information bit by bit without getting overwhelmed. It could also be a way of them thinking they are protecting you as they feel dreadful, are going to be mean, so withdraw rather than inadvertently hurt you.

There are other reasons to and some are cruel, some are selfish but basically they can't deal with as much as they used to so you may have had a wonderful time away but the 'good stress' of it overwhelms her so much that she needs to pull away to process it all. I am guessing like many of us, you've probably sent more than one text since she isolated so to her that adds to her stress while your intention is only good.

 

[j4mes]

Hi Nicolette....Thanks ever so much for your reply.

Your right.... because it was my first experience I think I may have been a little harsh with my texts but that was as you probably understand because I was frustrated and upset at being ignored. Just hope she finds the heart to forgive me.

Could you tell me though she lives with her 2 older sons and they have their friends round and she went out for dinner with one of them the other night. She is also back to work tomorrow. The question is....is it me, the one providing the emotional intimacy, that she needs space from as she seems to be getting on with her everyday life and responsibilities.

Thanks again

 

[Not.an.angel]

Sometimes it's the PTSD and sometimes it's not.

If he told you to stop, then stop. Not just for his sake, but for your own sanity. Not only will the repeated attempts at contact irritate him if he is isolating, but for every text and call he doesn't return, you are going to get more and more upset. But now that you know he is OK, it is time to concentrate on yourself and stop worrying about him.

Only you can decide how long to wait before you give up.

I agree, you have to decide that you've had enough. My sufferer seems to go through a few weeks of this at a time and while there might have been solace in knowing he'd come back, I had to muster the only shred of self respect and courage i had left to leave. This sucks! I'm just glad I don't feel so alone in this anymore. I thought I was crazy for feeling this conflict of staying or going.

 

[j4mes]

I have loads of things going on in my life with my work and to be honest I could do with some space every now and again too. I only wish she had said, when she first told me she had PTSD, "every now and again I may need some timeout to regulate my feelings" that way I would be expecting it and respect her wishes by not texting or phoning and have some me time. It was the telling me how much she loved me one day to completely ignoring me the next which is the hard thing.

Oh well you live and learn. If she does get in touch with me again (which I hope she does) but I was a bit harsh, then at least I will feel more in control in expecting the "space" thing too turn up again. How long I would wish for it to continue.....then I don't know.

I don't want to be a hero and be the one who changes her but I used to know her 14 years ago and she was fab, just so sad this has happened to her in the past 4 years.

 

[Venusian]

I am sorry if I am replying to something that I shouldn't because I have PTSD. I haven't been in a relationship since I found out that this is what I have been suffering with all my life so maybe my view is a little clouded. I have needed space, I isolate myself and I have been in your position too with someone not returning my calls or texts. I suspect he had PTSD too because of what I have learned since but I don't really know for sure.

One thing that I would recommend would to be asking your partner what they want and respecting that. I have read on this forum where a supporter as having the same issues and they sent thier partner a message that all they want is confirmation that they were OK. It doesn't have to be a long conversation, just a confirmation. Also, don't have an expectation of an instant reply becasue I do turn my phone off and I do forget to charge it. Just a simple agreement that you both can live with at whatever stage your relationship is in. One thing to remember, anyone can have PTSD. Just because you are suffering from it doesn't mean that you can't be a jerk too. You have to set boundaries and realize that sufferers may have different boundaries that also have to be respected.

This is just my 2 cents, ignore it if you want. Just really think about what you really need from him and tell him, just not as an ultimatum. Negotiate if what you want is something he is not able to fully commit to right now. Taking a step back and just being a friend could be what he really needs for now.

 

[Nicolette]

The question is....is it me, the one providing the emotional intimacy, that she needs space from as she seems to be getting on with her everyday life and responsibilities.

She more than likely has her every day under control but her "cup could be full" as in the additional pressure of you, even if good, might be more than she is able to handle - she may want to see you but it depends on how managed her PTSD and life pressures are too. Too many unknowns unfortunately however they will usually pull away from those most intimate first as those relationships take more work.

Children are separate and from what I can understand, easier to manage for someone with PTSD than an adult relationship.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

I can only tell you that in my experience my ex said he didn't always know it was coming and that all of his focus and energy went to getting through the days when he was experiencing it. He said his isolation was connected to depression and going numb. He would call it going "darK". He woudl say it was not me. Isolating is common in PTSD. Some sufferers seem to be able to communicate their need and keep in touch, but some cannot from what I have read and seen here.

Hope that helps. It's hard, painful, and emotionally confusing. In my experience it usually happened when his life was very stressful or whenever we really started to get closer. I do not know if that will help you, but that's my experience.

Hope for the best for you.