How To Grieve?

[Loner]

It has become clear to me that I need to grieve for all the pain I have endured over the years, especially as a child, especially the pain that comes from having monsters instead of loving parents. Not long ago, I really let myself go there for a few days. It wasn't exactly pleasant but afterward I felt the happiest I probably ever have in my life, and the most at peace. The past few days I've been trying to do productive things, get out and have fun, etc, but today I can just feel that what I need to do is grieve and I will feel better. The problem is my entire life I have kept everything locked up inside, I have a very hard time feeling my feelings, especially my sadness and pain.

Anyone have any tips on how to let myself go there?

 

[Zef]

I'm at a similar place as you describe and struggling with the same issue. . .so I haven't figured out any tips to share. I think, though, that grief takes time and so does unlocking those places where it is stored. For myself, when I feel a tinge of grieving emotion, my first response is to push it down, so I have been trying to allow myself to feel it instead.

I think it is slowly working, but really don't know.

 

[Loner]

Yea last week I really went there. Like REALLY went there. I never even let myself feel sad but last week I cried almost every day for an hour or two. Not just kinda teary eyed sorta sad but I mean full on bawling just completely letting myself feel how sad and unfair it was that such a wonderful beautiful little boy had such uncaring ungrateful horrible parents. After a few days of that I actually started just feeling happier, glad to be alive and excited about my future. That kind of faded though, and now I'm just numb anxious and filled with self loathing again.

 

[Loner]

No else has any insights? I am so sick of being numb and dead.

 

[nimkekaa]

I think that just acknowledging your numb is important.

Also considering all the work you did last week with feeling stuff then you should go easy on yourself for being numb now. You did great work last week and you should pat yourself on the back for that.

My T has said that your body will only give you as much as you can handle. Maybe your body is still digesting last weeks work out.

I know how fustrating it is to want to work on things and not being able to access the thoughts and feelings but I try and have faith in the fact that I will get it when I am ready. Obviously you have been through a lot to repress it so far down.

Sorry I can't help with any suggestions but I hear you and I am there too.

 

[shell]

I'm working on the numbness issues this week, I stupidly thought I was getting better, because I wasn't feeling so depressed, but it turns out I've been dissociating so much, that I no longer recognize when it's happening and numbing all my emotions.

To fix it, I'm to work on being in my body by using all my senses, grounding myself throughout the day, writing my journal on all my emotions, might not help with the grieving, but has helped in the past to stop me numbing, and start feeling again.

It was only when I went back to therapy after a 5 week break, I discovered that the reason I was feeling so much better, was because I was feeling nothing. :confused:

 

[Philippa]

I think a person can find their own methods for grieving, beyond simply crying or writing it down in a journal. The problem is as well, that most western cultures don't allow people to grieve, so they learn to suppress it. It's good that you are wanting to go there, and I think if you can maybe try, if you are a tactile sort of person that is, using clay, for instance, to form the shape of your grief and really allow that to absorb into the clay, it is a great way to help ground a person while they are going through difficult emotional expression.

For instance, when I was grieving hard, I took some clay and made a figure of a woman kneeling with her hands clutching her stomach and her head and back bent towards her knees, which is a classic grief pose. I have her on my windowsill surrounded by symbols of love, like cut out love hearts, and rose quartz crystals etc. You can make it your own, and really get lost on the process.

If clay is not your thing, perhaps you can try painting, or drawing or collage, or any other creative way you can think of...and I'm sure if you intend to be creative with it, ideas will come, you can contain that grief, in a safe way, so that your goal of being able to break through the numbness can start becoming more of a reality for you, because it is possible I think, and you are obvious willing.

If I think of anything else I will get back to you...

 

[Philippa]

Oh, and about the part where you said you started to fade from feeling fabulous after the times you did allow yourself to just bawl and spend as much time as you needed to...on the floor even, (I've spent whole days unable to leave the floor), I think it's natural for feelings to change and revert like that. You don't always have to be feeling on top of the world (though it would be nice) and I can understand that it might feel like you don't want to lose that...but it will come back, because the more you do get out and grieve, the more healing takes place. Tears are very very healing, and they literally release alot of built up toxic stuff that you've been carrying in your body, for years and years, so it's no wonder that you felt so great.

Keep it up. It sounds like you are making some good progress.:)

I heard of a bunch of people who covered themselves in clay and went to a big tree next to a creek somewhere in nature, and literally put themselves on the ground, the earth, and became a part of the tree...and they stayed there for hours and hours and grieved, into the earth. It was apparently a hugely successful catharsis, that propelled their healing.

Nature is very healing, and lying on the earth will help immensely.

 

[Aqib]

I'm a terrible person to ask for this, haha. I don't...grieve, I mean I prefer actually delving in the pain and eye of the emotional storm. Hell, I don't even think I know what one means by grieving. I know what you're talking about with the numbness. I've just accepted it as part of my life, part of me.

If I had to suggest something, I'd say do something artistic that you enjoy. Art involves transmitting part of you through a medium. The best artists were horribly distraught with their lives, Hemingway, van Gogh etc. Try writing, composing music, painting. Do whichever you actually enjoy.

You could try exercise. Running is particularly excellent. It will get you in shape if you aren't already, and you'll feel better after you just ran a few laps. I'm glad to hear you felt so amazing after letting yourself "go" and release the pain. I...tried something like that once, I ended up getting into a brawl with my father and my mother had to pull me away before I did something really stupid. I'm not very good with "being emotional." Although ironically enough, I'm really good at reading the emotions of other people.

If you want to talk, anytime, just message me. I can't promise I'll contribute anything, but at the very least I'll be a dedicated listener.

 

[Philippa]

Yeah, riding a bike or any form of exercise is great for discharging difficult emotional energy.

 

[The Albatross]

I learned about grieving by doing a stint as a Hospice volunteer. I shoved my face in it and got the training for grief. It helped me to surround myself with people who were dealing with it and bearing up everyday (the care providers and staff). Self education is my defalt position... trying learn and being around people who can model behavior for me.

 

[Loner]

THanks for the replies. I deliberately didn't look at them till today because I wanted to save them for when I 'needed' them that is when I am feeling numb, feeling like I need to let out some sadness but just cannot let myself go there for whatever reason.

I already exercise, a lot. I go to the gym, I mountain bike. I had knee surgery not too long ago but before that I ran, worked out on a boxing bag, hiked, and skied all the time. I also play guitar. I have been creative with it somewhat but its also sort of a trigger for me as I really get into the whole overanylizing everything I could possibly create as being not good enough, and I also have a hard time learning new songs because it is overwhelming to me and Im afraid to fail.

Both those are good OUTLETS for emotion, especially anger, but they arent necessarily ways to grieve, at least I dont think so.

I think this is a good topic which could be of use to other people as well, and I look forward to hearing any more responses.