How To Grieve?

[Philippa]

I learned about grieving by doing a stint as a Hospice volunteer. I shoved my face in it and got the training for grief. It helped me to surround myself with people who were dealing with it and bearing up everyday (the care providers and staff). Self education is my defalt position... trying learn and being around people who can model behavior for me.

Did you find the Hospice work draining Alba, or was it rewarding as well as helpful?

 

[Philippa]

I have been creative with it somewhat but its also sort of a trigger for me as I really get into the whole overanylizing everything I could possibly create as being not good enough, and I also have a hard time learning new songs because it is overwhelming to me and Im afraid to fail.

What would happen if you did fail? Would it be the end of the world?

I think we tend to perceive failure as being worse than death sometimes, but I think if we can come to change the way we perceive failure, then it might give us a better way of coping with the possibility of it in our lives. So, if you were to think about failure, what are the feelings that surround it, for you?

Is there anyway you can come to see that failure might be just a way to succeed at some other point in the future?

If we fail, doesn't that provide us with good feedback that can be put to use the second time around?

If we didn't fail, then we wouldn't know where we went wrong and what to improve on.

Most business people will tell you that there is no success without failing at least several times.

 

[The Albatross]

I found it rewarding shorter term (about 2 years), it served it's purpose for me.

 

[p-no]

Two things I did that helped me get access and later-on keep the door open to my grief. Sometimes I still do no. 2, no. 1 I don't need anymore.

1. Suggested to me by therapists in a hospital:
Choose a spot in your home that where you feel good (just normal, not especially safe or anything), for example a corner in the bed-room). Choose a chair (it should be something moveable, so not really the sofa) that feels okay for the purpose. Choose a day and time span when you invest into your grieving, say: Saturday, starting at 12:30, ending at 13:00 (not longer than 30 minutes; I did 15 and that was more than enough). At that very day and time, each week, no exceptions (plan around it and by doing so accreddit it its meaningfulness (sorry if my English is lacking)) take the chair and put it in the corner, sit down on it and just think of why you're sitting on the chair. Let the thoughts and feelings come. If nothing happens for the 15 minutes, nothing happens for the 15 minutes. Still spend the time on the chair. If you break down after two minutes and can not seem to stop at the end you set for yourself (e.g. at 12:45), leave the chair at precisely 12:45 no matter if you're still crying or not. Put the chair back to where it usually is and go sit somewhere else, preferably not in the same room.

This may seem (it did to me) "artificial", a bit like acting maybe, in the beginning. It helps though. Sooner or later, that was my time and place for grief. The set ending time is vital! If you decide to try this, I'd suggest (out of experience) to try it at least 4-8 times before stopping again for good. It really feels awkward at first, also when there seem to be no feelings in you at all as soon as on that chair.

2. Using objects and rituals:
For example, if you want to grieve about someone who has died recently (for example), make a little boat from paper, taking time while making it to let the thoughts and feelings come (memories, hopes, dreams, etc.). Then take that little boat to a nearby river or lake, etc., choose a spot you feel is good for you and make the person's leaving visible to you by putting the boat in the water and letting it sail away. Stay there, watch it and feel. Once the boat is gone, either being carried away by little waves or even drowning because of the paper getting wet, feel what that does to you.

There are a lot of things that you can do or use for making "visible analogies". Those have helped me realise that e.g. the person died and that I was left behind being sad and desperate and whatever else. In the end, by using such rituals I gave the goodbye space and meaningfulness. Our lives are so fast-paces, I need to take time-outs like this to process e.g. deaths, people leaving, etc. It is always good to set a day and beginning and ending time. The ending time being vital, really.

Maybe this helps. If not, keep looking for the ones that may help you. I am sure they're out there.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am not totally cut off from my emotions. I can empathize with someone in pain. If I am sad my eyes leak out a few tears. But I do not cry. I will try the exercise. I wish for the release of crying. I need to cry and let out some of this pent up emotion. I hope this works.

 

[Loner]

prime no, thanks, I think those, especialy the first one will help a lot. The only person I've 'lost' worth greiving for is my inner child, and I think doing the second with a symbol of him would be a bit too much, I think i'd just numb out, but the first one sounds like it would be grounding at the very least.

Gizmo, I relate to that. Thats the way I was for years. get sad sometimes but its kinda just a clenched up feeling, a few tears come out, but not a real catharsis. When I talked about really going there earlier in this thread I SOBBED I havent done that since I was a child. I really think if and when I am able to go back there it will be the best thing for my healing.

I think this might be a big part of what PTSD is. When the initial trauma happens your feelings are invalidated, you repress them, and get stuck never grieving for the pain you endured. All that gets locked up inside you and becomes fear and doubt and paralyses you. I know thats not all of PTSD but I think its a very large part of it.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm not one to cry, especially not with a witness. I know everyone seems to say it's cathartic, but I'm almost afraid it'd kill me. I know that 'is' and sounds ridiculous- people can't die of sadness or grief or pain- but about 7 times that I did openly cry privately it was that bad (a feeling). And though silent went on for hours and hours. And seemingly endless.

Like, one's worst fear, if I start I won't stop.

I don't recall feeling better, only drained.

 

[p-no]

Junebug, when I cry, I cry alone, mostly. I have just started showing my therapist my tears. I read a quote the other day: "There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness but of power. They are messengers of overwhelming grief (...)." I truly believe this. The reason why I, too, feel as if I'd die when I cry in front of someone else is that in that moments, minutes or even hour(s), I feel the most vulnerable. I am the most vulnerable. If I then were with someone who would abuse or even misuse my openness and fragility, they could "kill" me. My little soul's door is open as much as it can be and a person could just walk in and do whatever. Which is why it's important to choose someone one feels one can trust, or wants to trust, and trusts enough to take the risk.

I also truly believe that it is not necessary to cry in front of another person. To me, it's important to find space and time to let out my sadness and grief when it is there. I cry with myself, for many things. Sometimes I can't stop for a long time. Sometimes I feel drained and nothing else, not relieved or anything. Sometimes I do.

When I did my first therapy, I cried so much and never was there any relief. I think now that I had to let go of an ocean full of tears before it would actually get better. I truly wish for you to experience a good cry some time that leaves you feel lighter.

 

[p-no]

I really think if and when I am able to go back there it will be the best thing for my healing.

I think this might be a big part of what PTSD is. When the initial trauma happens your feelings are invalidated, you repress them, and get stuck never grieving for the pain you endured. All that gets locked up inside you and becomes fear and doubt and paralyses you. I know thats not all of PTSD but I think its a very large part of it.

I think the same. I had such a lot of crying to do. And hating, and longing, and yelling. All that stuff needs to get out of your system. It's a huge step, I think so, too.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear prime-no, that is so sweet of you to say. Those are beautiful and very wise words. And 'correct', in that it does feel that way I guess. I feel kind of embarassed to say it, but ya, 'soul terror'.

Hey, I heard a saying once, that tears water a garden one will eventually see. :)

Along with that, physically (too) it feels like it will kill me.

However, once in a while out-of-the-blue, something will hit me and a few tears get out, I do actually feel better after the fact at those times.

I think there is a grief or sadness sometimes beyond tears, if that makes sense. When one is too sad to cry.

Thank you for your posts, I find them all helpful, ((((Hugs))). You are so very kind.

 

[Tinyflame]

I guess that's it, too. I was always encouraged to never cry, for pain or anything, recall doing so only once, possible twice, as a child.

None of my family cried- rarely. Though my parents (especially) had huge hearts.

I think I don't associate tears with grief, despite the loss. It's like, by then it's too late/ all over.

I guess too, I've heard it said 'most tears are selfish'- shed over our own losses, etc. I have not cried enough for others.

 

[p-no]

It's like dialysis for my soul, crying. I would have not survived my childhood and youth, if I had not been able to cry. I did at least two hours a day, literally.

There is that grief beyond tears, it does make sense to me.

Hugs back to you, and thank you for your kind words. :)