How To Grieve?

[p-no]

That box of/for yourself is a wonderful idea. Putting yourself in line with those you love. :)
I think I'd like to make one, too. Thanks for sharing.

 

[Loner]

Well I have been following a lot of the suggestions in this thread, as well as one my shrink made to try and avoid thinking about what I'm said about and just let the grief come wordlessly, which is quite hard for me.

I've squeezed out a few tears a couple times. Which felt forced and at the same time like I had more to feel that I wasnt opening up. Once this week, I started to shed a few tears, and my body just shut down, I passed out in my chair. I wasnt that tired and I woke up only a couple minutes later with the grief repressed again, but I guess this is progress still in a way.

Still really wish I could just let myself completely break down like I did the weak before starting this thread, but also as time goes on I'm really amazed I was able to do that.

 

[BloomInWinter]

The first week of Oct is painful for me. My Mom's birthday, & my cousin's suicide anniversary.

My T. taught me a simple exercise.

I go to a comforting place...for me, a park.

I sit, and think about what I want to remember about them. What we missed out on. What I learned from them. I give it my full attention, and usually weep. Then, when I feel ready, I send out wishes that they be at peace now.

Giving it my full attention, and allowing all feelings & thoughts to have witness for 15 minutes - 30 minutes seems to clear our the endless rumination I used to do that week.

It's healthy to grieve. It's an act of courage.

 

[Philippa]

I'm not sure how you are about being touched...but having a massage can often bring stuff like this to the surface. Our emotional baggage gets stored away in the cells of our body, and massaging the body and skin, can really move a lot of stuff.

It's not uncommon for people to break down on the table, and a good therapist will be prepared for this and let you cry and be there for you, listen to you and just hand you tissues til it passes.

It's a good investment...if you can find the right masseuse whom you feel comfortable with. I haven't read your diary as yet, so I'm not sure about your specific traumas. With child sexual abuse, obviously it would be a little harder for people to allow a stranger to touch them as adults...and it has been known to happen that during a massage, someone will get a flashback from their childhood and freak out.

I have known one person who massaged a woman this happened to, who had previously not known she's been sexually abused...so it can bring up stuff, and not always pleasant stuff...but it's all in the name of healing, and if it makes you cry, well, that's a good thing.

 

[p-no]

Once this week, I started to shed a few tears, and my body just shut down, I passed out in my chair.

When I read this, I instantly came to think of a line in a song I like very much. I think with some things we have to or can push ourselves with, but grief, in my experience, is a tender, fragile thing. So, the line of that song is: Can't hurry the harvest. Change comes when it does.

When I was in an inpatient program at 19, my first therapy ever, we learned a little something I've never forgotten. We did this before starting to learn autogenic training. We were told we were to focus and complete one task: NOT think of a pink elephant. We were told at length that what we could think about, what we could feel, that we could look around, etc. But we were not to think of a pink elephant. Guess what we all did? ;) That darn pink elephant is still here with me. ;)

What I'm trying to say is maybe you can let it go a bit more, set it free and see if it will return, the grieving. Somewhat like a gift that you received, out of the blue, when you did?

 

[p-no]

I have known one person who massaged a woman this happened to, who had previously not known she's been sexually abused...so it can bring up stuff, and not always pleasant stuff...

Again, speaking from experience, my own and that of others I have witnessed over time: please be careful with those massages. It can bring a person down so much within an instant that they need to be admitted to hospital. I'm not saying it can't be a way, but I'd be very careful with this. From my own experience I must say I only go for massages at short notice when I am doing well. Just saying.

 

[p-no]

Loner, you know what you could try also? Speak. I mean, say out loud what you're sad about. To me it makes a big difference if I just think something or if I actually say it. Saying it makes it more real and hearing something that sounds real can make you sad.

I don't know if this makes any sense to you, but I often cry or could cry in therapy when I speak of things being as they were or are. It's like when thinking things (for example: I was sexually abused as a very young child) is just that, my life, or part of my life, it feels normal, whereas when I say "I was sexually abused as a very young child" and then be still, it hits me. It's like, when it comes from outside, although it's from me, it's different, more real. Oh well, can't explain it any better. Just a thought.

 

[Philippa]

Again, speaking from experience, my own and that of others I have witnessed over time: please be careful with those massages. It can bring a person down so much within an instant that they need to be admitted to hospital. I'm not saying it can't be a way, but I'd be very careful with this. From my own experience I must say I only go for massages at short notice when I am doing well. Just saying.

Sure, that's why I mentioned it.

A massage can bring up just emotional stuff that is good, but if you are in a bad place it might not be the best thing to do. I didn't realize that some people had to go to hospital afterwards though. Yeah, I guess be careful with that stuff.

 

[Loner]

I'm not sure how you are about being touched...but having a massage can often bring stuff like this to the surface. Our emotional baggage gets stored away in the cells of our body, and massaging the body and skin, can really move a lot of stuff.

It's not uncommon for people to break down on the table, and a good therapist will be prepared for this and let you cry and be there for you, listen to you and just hand you tissues til it passes.

It's a good investment...if you can find the right masseuse whom you feel comfortable with. I haven't read your diary as yet, so I'm not sure about your specific traumas. With child sexual abuse, obviously it would be a little harder for people to allow a stranger to touch them as adults...and it has been known to happen that during a massage, someone will get a flashback from their childhood and freak out.

Yea, this sounds scary as hell to me. Not just what I've been through, but I've pretty much isolated my whole life. Trauma started shortly after birth, by the time learning social skills rolled around I was already isolating, I'm just now learning how to have casual conversations with people. Breaking down and crying in front of some random massage therapist sounds way too much for me now. Possibly incredibly fulfilling and a powerful way to access things at some point in the future when I'm ready but not happening now. I doubt I'd start freaking out, I just know I would keep all my emotions competently bottled up. Thanks though. I'll keep it in mind.

 

[Loner]

Loner, you know what you could try also? Speak. I mean, say out loud what you're sad about. To me it makes a big difference if I just think something or if I actually say it. Saying it makes it more real and hearing something that sounds real can make you sad.

I don't know if this makes any sense to you, but I often cry or could cry in therapy when I speak of things being as they were or are. It's like when thinking things (for example: I was sexually abused as a very young child) is just that, my life, or part of my life, it feels normal, whereas when I say "I was sexually abused as a very young child" and then be still, it hits me. It's like, when it comes from outside, although it's from me, it's different, more real. Oh well, can't explain it any better. Just a thought.

Ya, this is probably a good idea too. I just happen to have roommates, they aren't really freinds, just random people I live with cus I can't afford to live alone, I answered a classified ad, and moved in , so yea, maybe if I was sure none were home, or alone in my car somewhere.

Actually just after I had to shoot my dog, I was dissociated (really I had to be or else I would never of pulled the trigger) but I knew there was a lot of sadness that needed to come out, so I made a phone call to some random girl I met on chat roulette months earlier that didn't even know who I was at first. She seemed embarrassed by the whole thing but I wasnt looking for comfort or approval, just the act of telling someone about it seemed to bring it all out and I started crying and didn't care at all what she thought of the situation.

Perhaps I can learn to start doing that by myself, i dunno, for some reason it seems a bit odd, but thats probably just that I dont want to go there.

 

[Philippa]

Breaking down and crying in front of some random massage therapist sounds way too much for me now. Possibly incredibly fulfilling and a powerful way to access things at some point in the future when I'm ready but not happening now. I doubt I'd start freaking out, I just know I would keep all my emotions competently bottled up. Thanks though. I'll keep it in mind.

That's understandable, given your past.

It is important to find someone you feel comfortable with, and it's possible nothing would happen the first few times anyway, because, as you said, you'd be too bottled up...but that might be the case with any regular therapist you see. They are all random strangers until the time when you start to feel comfortable enough to open up and trust.

Finding the right one takes time, as with any therapist. It's there as an option, if you ever decide to try it though.

 

[Loner]

Well, I smoked pot yesterday and the day before. I'm not beating myself up about it, but the whole accessing my repressed grief thing is on hold for a bit because of that. its easy for me to view doing that as what I need to do to heal, but really, continuing to sit alone in my house obsessing about my history in an effort to heal isn't really what I need right now, although if I'm actually able to access that grief it might help. I'm not going to smoke again, but just having done it twice leaves me a little numb for a while. Right now I think I need to just get out into the world and meet people and do things and eventually, when I am ready, the grief will come up on its own, like it did last time. Or maybe I'm just giving up because its hard, I don't really know.