Sexual Assault How to handle accusations of rape?

[Danielson0014]

So I have been reading a lot of the post on here hoping to find someone with a similar story but can't find one. This is really hard to talk about but I need some guidance.

About 6 months ago my wife was set to leave for a trip to see her parents since her grandmother was visiting them from overseas. I couldn't afford a ticket so I was staying home to work. The night before she left I thought she would like to have sex, her sex drive is greater than mine and we weren't going to see each other for a week so it seemed like a good time. I started kissing touching, etc. After awhile I was about to penetrate her, she said "sorry I'm kind of dry" to which I responded "That's ok, we have some lube." Which I then reached over and grabbed and used it. After we started I could tell she wasn't really into it so I finished quickly.
The next day she left to visit family alone, she suffered trauma has a child from her mom and dad and I was worried about her but she really wanted to see her grandma and she assured me everything would be fine with her there, however I could tell she was still nervous about it. The trip went bad, there was verbal fighting and she called me while walking down the street away from their house saying I can't go back there. I did my best to be there for her and tell her everything would be ok. I told her I would call her and uber and get her a hotel room (we really couldn't afford it but I couldn't ask her to go back) but her mom called her and she ended up going back to her parents house to spend a little more time with her grandmother before she left.
She gets back from the trip and we are laying in bed talking and I'm trying to be there for her while she unpacks her emotions from the trip. I don't remember exactly how we got there, but at some point she says that I raped her before she left! I am utterly shocked by this, and had no idea she had felt that way. She said that saying she was dry was her saying no, and that i should have been able to tell she wasn't into it and stopped. My first reaction was I didn't think it was rape but it's her body and if she think it's rape, then it's rape. I felt horrible, I love my wife and I would never want to do anything to add to her trauma. We didn't have sex for a couple weeks, but eventually we started having sex again. I feel like this has sucked all the passion out of sex. I'm constantly hyper aware of any sign she isn't liking it. I'm holding back to urge to constantly ask her "are you ok with this?" but I know it would ruin to mood.
I know this is a different side of things than most people on here. It's really hard to admit that someone has called me a rapist, but I need to find a way to process this. I really don't think I raped her, she never said no or resisted, I had no idea she felt that way. I would have stopped instantly if she had. Am I wrong? was it really rape? She seems to have gotten over it quicker than me, she says shes not worried about our sex life. That seems strange to me, but when I have brought it up again thinking maybe she has changed her mind she still says she thinks she was raped.

 

[Casey_03]

That seems strange to me, but when I have brought it up again thinking maybe she has changed her mind she still says she thinks she was raped.

What is her demeanor/mood when she says this? Is she acting afraid of you? Or just matter-of-factly stating it was rape as if it's a debate with you? It's really hard for any of us on the forum to offer solid advice here, because we can't possibly know all the details of the incident in question. Personally, I have no idea if it was rape, because we only have your side of the story, and she might offer a completely different account. I will say that if I told someone I was dry down there, it would be my way of saying I wasn't in the mood for sex. But I can also see why -- if that was all she said -- it might not have been clear to you she didn't want it.

 

[Rumors]

Not trying to make you feel badly but I think you need to seek answers from a therapist or someone with the appropriate qualifications to handle something so complicated. It sounds as if you love your wife and would never hurt her. Hold on to that..perhaps your wife would agree to go with you so that you two can resolve this and move ahead. Good luck!

 

[EveHarrington]

I think it's important for partners to communicate during sex.

Casey is right, we can't give you a yes/no answer.

However, I also believe that it's not fair to require super power mind reading powers where our partners need to know that "I'm dry" translates to "no I do not want to have sex". You are not a mind reader and it's unfair to expect you to be so.

For me personally saying I'm dry means "make me wet"....so no, "I'm dry" doesn't automatically translate to rejecting sex.

I think counseling is in order. I don't think support on an online forum is going to give you enough resolution, and I wouldn't put something as important as marriage into the hands of strangers on the internet giving their opinions.

I think your partner needs to be able to verbally express her wants/needs. If she cannot, then sex should be completely off the table. (I believe this across the board for all sexual abuse survivors as if we cannot say the word "no" then we are not in a mental place for sex.)

I think you should both be practicing "yes means yes". Ask "do you want me to _____". A lot of people think it kills the mood, but this is a fallacy. With a little practice, this kind of dirty talk can be VERY hot. The alternative is being accused of rape again, so it's worth a try.

 

[Danielson0014]

I'm in the process of finding a therapist and so is she. But I don't think I can afford therapy for her, me, and us. She currently doesn't have a job and I'm also paying for medical bills from her surgery. She states it matter of fact now if I bring it up. She doesn't seem upset anymore but that's still what she thinks happened. I know I can't get a definite answer from and Internet forum but I dont think she would argue with the chain of events I laid out. We agree on all the facts, she still thinks it's rape. I guess I really didn't expect someone to give me a straight answer. I just needed to get it out there until I can find a therapist and figure out how to pay for it. It's hard to talk to even a close friend about something like this.

 

[illusionist]

My message of " I'm dry down there " would mean " I'm not quite ready...pour a little bit of sugar, and I might be "....but we have learnt our own language, and body language. One thing I'm sure of is that my partner would/ and has stopped the minute I show sign of not wanting to be there...his words " why would I want to continue if you're not enjoying it ? "......I'm not saying it was rape.....but please do consider why you continued even after you realised she wasn't into it ?...I only want you to question this within yourself, I honestly don't want a reply.

 

[Ivi]

I wanna begin this with, I feel for you. I truly do because I can tell how much you love your wife from your post and that this is deeply affecting you.
I would not have interpreted "I'm dry" as "No." however, I do think there's been a lack of communication both on her end for not saying "Hey, I'm not crazy into this right now, can we not?" and you for not being like "Everything okiie?" when you noticed she wasn't into it. But sometimes in long term relationships we can't imagine sex to constantly be a flurry of passion, we do get the odd bad night of just meh sex.
I think that if you say you can't afford therapy right now, I would really sit your wife down and say to her "Hey, we need to work on communication with regards to sex," because that is important. Even if it means implementing a safe word or something along those lines. Just reassure her as well that she has to tell you no if she doesn't want to have sex with you because sometimes us women can get into our heads that we shouldn't deny a men sex.

 

[Kintsugi]

This doesn't sound anything like rape. At all. A woman's body failing to self-lubricate could mean a lot of things. If I've just menstruated and sometimes before my cycle, my body doesn't lubricate as it would at another time of the month. I mean, shit. Could mean "get the lube," could mean "let's try something else first"--whatever. I do agree you both need a hell of a lot more communication, because if you're married and you can tell she's not into it, you should feel comfortable enough with her to ask what she wants, and she should definitely feel comfortable enough to say "stop," "no," or something else that's extremely clear if she really doesn't want to keep going.

But rape? Gimme a f*cking break.

 

[Sideways]

The issue for me, in your shoes, would be that there's something disastrously wrong with the way we're communicating for her to have decided this was rape.

If she has a history of abuse, particularly sexual abuse, it could be incredibly important for her to be able to somehow communicate with you when she isn't ok with having sex - she may still be learning its ok for her to say no, and that it's safe to say No with you. It may be that "I'm dry" was the only way, in the moment, she could communicate because it can be incredibly hard for women to say "No, stop" out loud.

At the same time, the end result for you is she is now, post-fact, is accusing you of rape and I can only imagine how that must make you feel. Communicating to her, "That really distresses me, I need us to not end up in the situation where you're accusing me of rape again" seems fairly legit IMO. It's not exactly a small accusation to make.

Either way, slow down. As @EveHarrington suggested, maybe for a while you both need the reassurance of actively seeking out a definitive "Yes" before getting back into sex. That would help her communicate yes/no more clearly and safely (as long as you stop the minute she says No) and confidently with you, and it would reassure you that you're doing your utmost to keep it consensual and not get accused of rape ever again...?

 

[somerandomguy]

I went through something very similar and a lot of my trauma could have been avoided if I had done things differently from the point you are at now.

You don't realize it now, but your relationship was effectively over the instant she accused you of raping her. That's a deal breaker. Let's be perfectly clear: there was no rape here. Whatever her mindset is, this is not an accusation you can make lightly and by accusing you, she is telling you that she no longer respects you or sees you as a partner. She sees you as a monster. Relationships are not possible with monsters.

You must protect yourself from this moment on. She has something that she can hold over you at any time, and people who make false accusations are generally not shy about using their accusations to get what they want. I would strongly urge you to consider separation.

You still love her, of course ... But the question is, should you? Why would you live and stay with someone who thinks you're capable of such a heinous act? You should be looking at yourself very carefully. What happened in the past that makes you want to salvage this relationship? It's very likely that you and she are codependent. You need therapy, and since you have limited means you must prioritize yourself.

Unfortunately, having been in your position, I am fully aware that you are very unlikely to take any of my advice. Things are going to be very rough on you for the next long while, friend, no matter what you decide - but I hope you decide to look out for yourself, and not hang on to some kind of noble idea of working through an already destroyed relationship. Best of luck.