Relationship How To Learn To Forgive

[blue_eyes18]

Hey guys. I am relatively new to this site. I stumbled upon it a while back and found some fantastic advice about my situation from everyone who was gracious enough to reply. I unfortunately haven't been back on since then until now, but I really think I need to start logging on more. I could really use some support. So thank you so much for the great advice in the past. I would really love some more of that wonderful advice, yet again.

I'm having quite an issue and am struggling so very much with how to deal/cope with it. I've been with my girlfriend for approaching a year and a half at this point and we've been through so much. She is a sufferer of PTSD from childhood abuse. She was diagnosed with PTSD right around the time that we met and began dating.

She kept this diagnosis from me for a handful of months, I suppose because she wasn't ready to face it just yet and come to terms with it. and also because I suppose she didn't want to scare me away - which wouldn't have happened - but perhaps in her mind, she might have thought it would have. Despite her keeping it from me, it became quite apparent that something was very wrong fairly quickly from the get go. I have a bachelors degree in psychology, so I'm fairly familiar with PTSD, but not to a full extent a specialist or anyone suffering would be able to understand. But I could tell that something was wrong. Our relationship was very turbulent and up and down for quite a while. I knew something felt off kilter and I didn't understand what it was. One minute things were wonderful and the next, she would turn on me and push me away and say some really horrible and hurtful things in what seemed like out of nowhere.

During these times, she would break up with me and tell me what a terrible relationship we had and how awful I was. She was notorious for saying really below the belt and hurtful stuff. After about two or three of these "episode's," as she would call them (after always coming back and profusely apologizing), she finally sat me down and explained her situation. She admitted to having just been diagnosed with PTSD and that sometimes, she felt like she was completely unable to cope with the world around her and her feelings of overwhelm and anxiety became so much, that any little, tiny drop of a hat in our relationship would be enough to cause her to explode and push me away at full force. She said she was working on all of these issues with her therapist and to please be patient with her. I tried my best to understand and be supportive.

I purchased books and tried to learn how I could be the best partner I could be for her during this tough time and how to suppot her properly, yet it still seemed like nothing I could do ever mattered. She would still have these episode's, and explode on me and say such hurtful things and break up with me, and she would go out and inflict hurtful things on herself, such as drunken, drug-filled, one night stands, cutting herself, attempting suicide, etc. and these things would crush me, in the process. I've never loved anyone who was so toxic before. i recall one night, she called me two nights after breaking up with me, completely out of her mind drunk, telling me she was about to kill herself in her apartment. I drove over and knocked, and when she didn't answer, I kicked the door in and found her overdosed on her klonopins. I rushed her to the ER and had her stomach pumped. Things like this happened more frequently than I'd like to admit, and we have broken up more times than I can count.

In a weird way, I feel almost like I've begun to form my own type of PTSD from this relationship; and I mean absolutely no disrespect to anyone suffering or don't intend to downplay anything anyone is going through or has gone through. What I simply mean is that everything she has put me through on account of her PTSD has caused me so much emotional strife and grief, that I have developed nightmares about it and that I now expect her behavior, and wait for it. When we have little fights, I begin to panic inside and begin to expect the inevitable break up or berating and harsh words. I have developed severe anxiety over the fear of her actions.

The last three months have been completely different. I don't know what has changed, but I suppose she has learned how to better seperate her stressors, or perhaps how to better deal with them? either way, she's actually been completely accountable and actually a good, stable, reliable girlfriend. She told me she loves me so much and realized how much hurt she's inflicted on me in the past, and wants to do her part to turn everything around and develop a healthy relationship. She made a promise to me that she would stand by me and fight for us and do what it takes to be better for me and for us, and she has held up to her end of the bargain. My problem is that now that she's actually being the girlfriend I always wanted/needed her to be, the damage is already done. I have so much insecurity, hurt, resentment, anger, you name it, built up from the past, that I don't trust her anymore, and I have no security left in the relationship at all. She's trying so hard to do right, but i'm completely stuck. i'm still waiting for that next blow up. I'm still waiting for her to sleep with someone else, or flip her switch and shove me away and break up with me. to say awful, hurtful things, etc. I can't seem to get past it.

I have begun one-on-one therapy with a great counsellor. My goal is to try to learn to work through all of the resentment I still feel from the things that have happened and build myself back up to be the strong person I used to be before all of this, and to learn how to fully forgive and accept that she didn't directly intend to hurt me so much, but rather, she was in the beginning stages of her PTSD and had no clue how to deal/cope with anything. My girlfriend is still seeing her therapist, who is wonderful and has helped her a lot. I truly believe it's thanks to her that my girlfriend has learned so much and how to deal effectively with everything in her life.

My bottom line is that now that she's doing her part, I'm really trying to do mine by standing tall and learning to move forward without holding the past over her head, but it's proving to be so incredibly hard for me. We've agreed to take the week days for ourselves to do our school work (I'm in law school and she's in her last year of undergrad) and to work on ourselves individually to get to a good place, and go out on dates during the weekend and reconnect emotionally.

I guess I'm just hoping that someone out there can relate to my story to some degree and give me some hope that I'm not an idiot and that things will be okay in the end. I really could use some encouraging words or any bit of wisdom or advice on how to learn to forgive or not hold this over her head anymore. thank you all for reading. I'm sorry the post is quite long.

Thanks in advance.

 

[kyara]

in a weird way, i feel almost like i've begun to form my own type of PTSD from this relationship

Interestingly, one thing I noticed about myself (supporter) is I am FEELING so much more than before the incident happened. It feels like super sensory overload and I am not interested to connect emotionally to anyone except those who mean a lot to me.

I know I am putting up a wall with FEELINGS right now because it is just so strong. I don't know if I am doing this consciously or unconsciously, but that's what it is - a thick transparent insulation between me and others. I can connect intellectually, but not beyond that. I connect emotionally with people's posting on myptsd but I am able to "log out" of it. With those whom I FEEL the emotional connection, it is incredibly intense that whatever joy or sadness, even pain, I can feel it. With pain, I get physically exhausted as though I was in fact in pain.

I just want to put this out there and see if this is unique or common among supporters of PTSD and whether PTSD survivors also relate to this.

my bottom line is that now that she's doing her part, i'm really trying to do mine by standing tall and learning to move forward without holding the past over her head. but it's proving to be so incredibly hard for me.

I think you are doing great. You won't lose the steps you have ploughed forward ;) You might lose a step or two but never everything unless something blew your mind out of the blue.

 

[Promicarus]

@kyara

Everything you've described certainly applies to me, as well. Without a doubt.

@[DLMURL="https://www.myptsd.com/c/members/llifton.21467/"]llifton[/DLMURL]

It will of course sound not only trite, but ridiculously simplistic....but it will just take some time. And for what it's worth, it sounds, to me at least, as if you're both going forward into your new relationship not only with "eyes-wide" regarding your mutual trauma due to the relationship, but with regard to making room for her burgeoning recovery from her own independent trauma, at the same time, all with openness and honesty over your tumultuous initial stage of the relationship, rather than simply trying to "sweep it under the rug" and pretend that it didn't happen.

You didn't get to the point you are now...nightmares, anxiety, etc.--in one day. And you won't move completely away or out of it in one day, either. And needless to say, trust is something that must be built over time...while it's definitely necessary for you to be willing to consciously choose to commit to a "leap of faith" where she's concerned, in continuing to put yourself out there so to speak, and expose yourself to further harm in remaining in an intimate relationship with her...that's only the conscious part. Feelings don't readily respond to reason, or conscious decisions. You might consciously decide to touch a hot stove, for example...but that's not going to prevent all the feelings from overwhelming you as you do so, with the reasonable expectation of a negative outcome.

So kudos to you both, not only for confronting your mutual issues clear-eyed and prepared, like adults, but to her, as well, for embarking on the journey of addressing her traumatic past--never something done without real discomfort, and so,a genuine commitment and awareness of "trauma-issues" as a significant factor in your life that must change, and must be worked upon, in order to expect change.

I think of all of the current measures you're both being careful to introduce and respect as necessary, though, your willingness to be out front and honest with each other about all of them is key. Once the hiding and denial take hold as a way of life, a relationship is doomed, in my opinion. At the very least, a kind of folie-a-deux...at worst, enemies circling each other like knife fighter's, trying to "play the angles" in order to keep your own secrets and "denial reality" safe.

I would caution you, though, to regularly take a step back, so to speak, and look around at the progress being made, with an eye to your own personal state--While this may sound to some like "disloyalty", I see it differently. 1) If her condition deteriorates again, and you wind up going back down similar roads with her...you may well end up with your own fairly severe set of symptoms. I wouldn't offer that as advice to everyone in such a situation, but to someone who is already experiencing many of the classic, hallmark symptoms of PTSD/trauma, further similar experiences could have long-term consequences on you, yourself. And if that's the case...how would you be of any help to her, in that state?

Then there's the additional factor that those in recovery...from pretty much anything...are very often hindered in their personal progress by focusing instead on a relationship as, in effect, a kind of drug-of-abuse. After all, it does serve as externally-justifiable basis for shifting focus away from confronting the hard issues that one must in order to progress in recovery. These kind of downward spirals happen all-too-often. I've seen countless examples, myself: Two in a relationship end up in a downward spiral, the relationship becoming progressively worse, as well, as both begin to blame the other more and more for the relationships deterioration...producing further antagonism, and so self-destructive behavior...etc. etc. All "In the name of Love". Right? If we didn't "take them down with us"....then we'd be behaving in a shamefully disloyal fashion, seems to be the consensus opinion. That's what our culture tells us, after all...if you are a "faithful person", you don't give up on your partner, and "ditch" them when times get rough.

Malarky. That may hold true for people without serious issues with which they're struggling and attempting recovery from....and sound very convincingly romantic. But if a relationship is "toxic", as you've referred to yours (at least at one point)...then preserving such toxicity is hardly doing the other a favor, is it?

Of course this may very well not apply to either of you, personally, at all. And I wish you much luck, love and happiness. It sounds like the insight you're both capable of, and willing to bring to the relationship, bodes very well for a real change in the future, away from the early stages which left such scars upon you, yourself. The agreement to give each other time apart during the week, and see each other only on weekends was, I thought, particularly mature and responsible.

Hope you'll keep in mind that once you've been burned by touching a hot stove, the memory doesn't simply fade immediately. Try to give yourself time to heal, as well, by not trying to "rush your feelings"...ie become so "self-monitoring" that you end up beating yourself up for the way you feel, and for not "making quicker progress". This is always counterproductive, as well, in my personal experience. You're simply a human being, and trust must be rebuilt.

Best of luck.

 

[blue_eyes18]

Thank you so very much for your optimistic and promising response. It really did lift my spirits and give me hope that things really do have a possibility for change. It means so very much to me you took the time to respond.

 

[R.Quartz]

You are so not alone. I can relate to almost your entire original post.

 

[Never Give Up]

Wow, I am glad this post came about today. I am also in a similar situation when it comes to obtaining my own P.T.S.D. symptoms from my marriage with a sufferer. I am ice cold feeling in my hands and feet, I now have nightmares about my wife, I have some anxiety and I have a fear of just taking my own life in order to get out of my marriage. I have been married for 21 years of what I thought was a great marriage....but everything has changed and I am in almost total isolation. My wife has ignored me for 3 weeks straight while living in the same house.

@blue_eyes18 - please, please, please take care of yourself. Eat healthy, sleep, laugh and enjoy the quiet times. Stress and anxiety will ruin your insides and take away a good quality of life. Since December I have lost 38 pounds and I am at my weight I was in High School. Take care of yourself first....you need to be mentally available for those who will need you.

 

[Promicarus]

@Never Give Up:

You very admirably exhort blue_eyes18 to take care of his own needs...but what of your own? It's difficult to remember effectively that you yourself are worthy of being cared for--and so caring for yourself--when someone begins to treat you as though you are not, most especially when it is one whose love had become a central part of your life. It's even more difficult to persuade your feelings to conform to your recognition of your own value on a merely "intellectual level", under such heartbreaking conditions.

My heart truly goes out to you. After 21 years, locking the door against you at night, while sleeping in that locked room? That may seem like anyone's legitimate "right"--something one has no right to complain about, or confront the other regarding, outright. But it's subtle messages which seem separate from any desire to injure that can often hit the hardest, I've found, personally. And unless you've given your wife legitimate reason to fear you, and so lock her door against you--that kind of "passive aggression" is no less an attack on against you and no less intended to damage you than an outright verbal or physical assault would be, in my opinion. In fact, I would consider it much worse...especially as it shows a kind of calculated sophistication in being tailored to "fly under the radar" and so seem like "merely an expression of her true feelings".

I'm not sure whether you know what I mean, or agree, but my point is that you have every reason to be suffering enormous pain and stress under the circumstances you've described...and show yourself, and actively practice, the same kind of self-love you too are so sensitive and generous in reassuring others that they have a right to.


Your condition sounds fairly dire, to me: a loss of 38 pounds in only 2 months? I've learned that we often find ourselves giving exactly the advice to others that we know on some level we most need to hear, ourselves--even if we're unconscious not only of this as a motivation for the advice, but of the need itself.

I hope that you will take some urgent, and if necessary, drastic action to address your own needs, especially those related to your basic physical health. I'm not a health care professional, but I can tell you that such rapid weight loss is one of the more stressful circumstances the human body can face--and can cause extreme symptoms permanently endangering the quality of your overall health, for years to come--as well as result even in acute dangers qualifying for the category "crises", even to the point of endangering one's life. For example:

[DLMURL]http://www.fitday.com/fitness-articles/fitness/weight-loss/are-rapid-weight-loss-diets-safe.html[/DLMURL]
Heart Stress
Crash diets promise to make you lose weight in as little as a couple of weeks, but they don't tell you about how such weight loss can stress out your heart. As you know, your heart is a muscle that's responsible for pumping blood and supplying oxygen to the rest of your body. When you lose weight rapidly, your heart naturally has to make sudden adjustments with the blood and oxygen that it supplies. This adjustment can put plenty of stress on your heart, resulting in a higher blood pressure which can even result to heart failure.

Especially considering such dramatic and rapid weight loss, I hope that you will remember that failing to care for your physical health, at the very least, may be the one thing one may never have a chance to recover from, at any later date.

Be well, you deserve it.

 

[Never Give Up]

@Promicarus - today I had to move out of my house and into my parents house which is 2 miles away. I had to move out since my wife filed a report against me for taking our "old" medications and brought them to the police. I was accused to throwing out her post-cancer drugs which is not with the police. I was told the police are going to charge me with a felony for "stealing" my wife's pills since they had her name. I may lose my banking job, no longer own a firearm (deer hunting) and I will have a hard time finding a decent job. This will also affect my insurance coverage which she needs for her post cancer appointments.
At this time I have to take care of myself and remove myself from the toxic passive/aggressive atmosphere and see if time away will help heal the pain and also avoid a potential restraining order.

At this time....she would rather file for divorce than get medical attention for her situation.

 

[Promicarus]

@
Never Give Up

At this time I have to take care of myself and remove myself from the toxic passive/aggressive atmosphere and see if time away will help heal the pain and also avoid a potential restraining order.

I haven't read any of your posts relating what has led up to this--well tragedy, is the only word that fits.

Please remember at such a dark time that alone, an arrest rarely means anything, or even carries much weight on a permanent record. From my understanding, if there is no more evidence than simply her word against your own, few courts would be willing to convict, at trial. It may seem beyond reason to expect you to "suit up" and put your battlefield mindset on, at a time like this...but I hope you'll try to keep some perspective, take things one day at a time, and keep an eye toward practical measures directed toward producing a favorable outcome, long-term.

I agree you with entirely, though in your decision--I hope you'll stay far away. Leveling criminal charges is about as sure a "declaration of war" as one can receive. Someone who'd go to such incredible lengths is likely to be capable of much more, and worse, if given the opportunity.

Whatever the future may hold, considering yourself under attack at the present, and so attending to your own concerns all the more, even exclusively, would seem the obvious attitude to take.

It may be impossible to do at the moment, but if it were me, I'd be grateful for a definite factor such as this that marks a clean break in your relationship, and so an end to the overt and ever-present suffering of being confronted with such behavior on an ongoing basis, and unmistakable justification for your decision to extricate yourself, and feel little if any guilt or remorse at having "given up on your marriage", etc, in doing so.

I'm glad to hear that you are determined to continue to think rationally and productively, in taking measures based on a need to preserve your own interests.

Best of luck, and feel free to PM me at any time.