How to live with the shame of not having had a life?

[The Albatross]

Agree that the need for "constant reassurance" is part of it. However there will be a time as you persevere when the "training wheels" will come off and you will self actualize, self validate, develop a unique sense of your autonomy and sense of innate self worth. You've been working hard, really hard these last couple years and making a lot of progress.

Anger wasn't an option for you.. it was repressed because you were in survival mode. There is (was for me anyways) a time when I began to trust that it was SAFE for me to be angry. I expect some of that is what's going on and it will level out. Honest.

 

[The Albatross]

P.S. Enjoyed the Tara Brach vid. Though it was a bit new agey for me. "No mud, no lotus" though was a simple encapsulation. Even fear can be a motivator in healthier ways but it takes time (like anger) to normalize it rather than default to the hardwired reactivity.

 

[ms spock]

This is still an issue and now I am totally willing to have Radical Acceptance that it will be an issue on and off for the rest of my life. Radical Acceptace - of course it is this way - of course it is a struggle - of course there are moments of profound shame and sadness.

 

[ms spock]

It is really hard to do this latest work and assessment because the shame of not having had much of a life has come up in a big way. The only way is through though - avoiding it doesn't work either - the mess my life is in terms of having had no career is a testament to that. It is really hard though. This is really hard. But it is worth doing and being with. I am looking forward to coming out on the other side.

 

[ms spock]

So much shame - but I can barely be there with it - I go off to dissociation, rumination, fantasyland, I walked to the fridge but no I had lunch I don't need anything else to eat.

It will be so good when I get to the point of actually just doing the work, rather than fighting my demons as they appear to me through the work. The work is not the work. The work becomes all the things to do with my self worth, my value as a person and so on and so forth.

 

[Angela Corgan]

I don't know if any one can relate to this, but my perceived lack of life makes me sometimes feel ashamed on the other hand I am going through process, my observations of 'normal people with normal lives' actuallyfor example marriage and children seem to indicate I couldn't have coped, and actually a lot of those situations people judge me on not having, are perhaps not like the advertisers make out!

 

[Ronin]

I have a life.

Enough of a life I'm even able to type that I got one, still. :sneaky:

(For real, I'm happier focusing on what I have, instead of what I don't, that I never did, that I wished for and didn't, and so on. It's usually something else I dislike about my own life, than whatever people around me have or are doing or not doing, with their lives. It's usually my own ideation and self loathing of some sort that's a problem, not 'not having a life'. So tackling my own nonsense time for answer to me's issues.)

 

[The Albatross]

I think @Ronin - it ultimately comes down to a significant perceptual shift... do you focus on what you don't have/the opportunities you didn't have... or do you acknowledge the lack but endeavor to pick up at present and effect change as/when/how you are able? That's a hard sell for PTSD's to understand the benefit of. Good on you.

 

[ms spock]

If I don't be with the feelings then things spiral out of control. I guess different places for different people. I have always not been with what is there for me. I can dissociated easily. The challenge is to be real with what is real with me.

 

[Ronin]

Definitely, @Ms Spock.

I didn't mean to negate your experience and it's validity at all; just saying that for me, what cuts through the lines of ruminating and grief and possibilities is sticking to basic facts, not the what-if's. I can drive myself well mad with the what if's and it's not useful for me to default to them.

 

[ms spock]

I do need to cut through the rumination as well @Ronin - and I am working on it. I just felt like saying my bit or I would be lost - and I can't let that go as I am not going to go spiraling downwards right now.

 

[CouldaWouldaShoulda]

You're too focused on what was versus what is. Present tense is your focus, not past tense. You can say any...

Any kind of productivity (and follow-through) is important whether it's a job, at home, projects or goals. Being stuck in the past with what I call coulda/shoulda/woulda-philes is counter productive and a crutch not to motivate.