How to live with the shame of not having had a life?

[DylanZ]

Allie D - thank you for your post. Yes, I've been to a couple of sites where I just 'listened' (read) and realized it probably wasn't responsive for me. The relief at finding out exactly what's wrong can sometimes lead to romanticizing and submerging into it, I think. In fact, I must confess I did much the same thing in my early 30's - after I was finally diagnosed correctly, was in a group, etc. I did look at the introduction board, but admit I was intimidated by the number of posts. It sometimes seems that 90% of the world is traumatized.

Disco Dancing Queen - thank you for your response. I'm grateful to end some of the isolation. I live in a very transient college town so, unless one is a college student, a bar-hopper or a church-goer, there isn't much by way of social support, let alone for an ongoing condition such as this one. I'm VERY interested in the DBT approach. EBT worked very well for me, but I'm struggling with using the tools/techniques these days after they seemed to 'fail me' in a way through the "breakdown". Thank you for the references - I will definitely look into the DBT approach; I've read a bit about it but was engaged with EBT at the time, so maybe it's time. Even just the idea of a "radical acceptance" is very appealing; part of me just perks up with the very idea.

Thank you again. I'm grateful to have stumbled upon this site and you folks. The isolation can be hard.

 

[ms spock]

This is getting better. The shame of not having lived a life is less excruciating that it was. It still is an intrusive set of thoughts that does come in at times, but I cope a little better with it now.

 

[Deleted member 487]

You're not dead yet. Write up a list of EVERYTHING that you want or wanted to do throughout your life. EVERYTHING. All of it. Then start working on them.

 

[ms spock]

For me, it needs to be a combination of the Self Compassion exercises that are free to listen to/download from the Kristin Neff website on Self Compassion, and Radical Acceptance, which is free to watch in the Instant Mindfulness, and read about on the dbtselfhelp website.

I just have to keep at those two. All day every day! I need to really hammer them. I am not there yet but I am improving significantly across the board.

I really need to do this when I am with other people, rather than comparing myself, or having the intrusive thoughts smashing through. I have to be honest about my feelings. Being in my body is really kinda of seriously weird. I don't know what to make of it.

I did 45 minutes of Mindful Movement this morning, and 44 minutes of a guided Body Scan. Guided meditations are the ones that work for me - the unguided is not always safe for me to do. Though I am getting there, alot more than I ever have. Embedded in the Mindful Movement and Body Scan is Self Compassion and Radical Acceptance. I don't know for how long I will really need to put in all these hours, but at least I know what I need to do now, whereas for such a long time I was lost and uncertain or being exploited and used by a series of psychologists. I really had a shit time of it with those non professional professionals.

 

[Beans]

For me, it needs to be a combination of the Self Compassion exercises that are free to liste...

That is all so on target for cptsd or longer term trauma recovery. I'm doing the exact same kind of somatic experiencing, getting in my body work right now. Self compassion is basically my religion atm and thanks so much for reminding me to hit back on radical acceptance.

 

[ms spock]

This came back with a vengeance and derailed me in a big way. I am trying hard. I just lose it a bit at times. I chose not to binge TV watch and go and be in the world. But it wasn't much fun. But good I went I guess. It will take practice.

 

[ms spock]

Write a list - then break things down to step by step increments, and then repeat, rinse, and repeat, rinse, and repeat.

 

[ms spock]

This comes in and can almost fell me, but I am slowly working a way through it. The shame is so pervasive and somehow it links into the corrosive self doubt. How can I trust myself when I am never sure that I am really here? How can I, after the clusterf*ck that has been my life, trust my perceptions? How can I trust anyone after all the psychologists passed me around for a weird type of emotional gang rape? I sought professional help, and I was totally done over? How can I make sure that I am safe from the vampires? How can I move through this? Do I really have to feel my feelings? How can people live each day with all these feelings electrocuting them? How can I live with the shame?

 

[ms spock]

This might be of interest for you @Nonentity? If not, please ignore @Nonentity!

 

[ms spock]

So this working out these dynamics was really important for me. I can see how the abusive, destructive and exploitative psychologists really compounded the trauma that I already had. They really used me. They also told me and suggested unproductive things for me to do, and I worked so hard to get better, because I really didn't want to be like my parents. But they sabotaged me in my early 20s so I didn't get my book published or get a job - it was deliberate sabotage. It is quite evil in a sense. Deliberatly destroying someone's life like that. Some of it was their unresolved stuff but also that narcissitic use of other people. I was used and abused. I was 15 when they first got hold of me, so I didn't really have a chance. But today is different. Today I have choices, I am doing really well. All the hard work is paying off. I am working at things that actually produce positive results. I couldn't trust or be present in my body for about two decades after that.

 

[Deleted member 487]

9 days and counting....
...until my third school year starts!

It's real hard, it's a struggle. I have lost so much, but there is so much I will gain when it's all over!
Just a matter of time and determination!

If I can do it, so can you!

 

[Deleted member 487]

The classes I signed up for are....
1. Beginning film production
2. Math literacy
3. Introduction to Natural Resources
4. Zumba
5. Stagecraft
It's gonna be tough, but it's gonna be fun!

You guys can do it, too, you know....