Relationship How to prepare for abandonment?

[ailic]

I have been in a relationship with my sufferer for a little over 2 years. The Fall is a very difficult time for him. I relocated to be closer to him early last fall, because I was tired of the distance. The timing was such that he basically disappeared on me right when I arrived in a new place. We had talked extensively before I relocated about everything, and literally he disappeared on me right when I arrived. It was terrifying experience for me in all honesty. He basically only sporadically communicated with me (primarily by sending me PTSD memes about what suffers are feeling) and wouldn’t talk or text with me at all. So I found myself completely alone for my first New England winter unable to even explain what happened to anyone in my life. He finally reemerged at the end of January, and we have been gradually rebuilding our relationship. When he came back we talked about what had happened with him, but we never once talked about my experience or how it had affected me. I wasn’t trying to guilt him or make him feel bad, so I let it go and hoped that we would be more prepared for whatever happened this coming year.

Well I am sitting here looking at fall, and nothing has changed. He is very good at keeping me separate from the rest of his life. He has C-ptsd from childhood trauma and then later was a combat medic, so I understand that his relationship with his family is complicated. He is also a widower. As such I have never pushed our relationship. I just always figured we would get there at our own pace, and that it wasn’t fair to him to put pressure or expectations on him. That said, I feel like my life is a total open book to him and that has never been reciprocated in anyway. I can feel him starting to get more distant from me already. He had a few nights when he didn’t sleep last week, and he has been majorly struggling with headaches since then. I know he is doing the best he can. I tried to get us to talk about all of this a month ago but he largely deflected my attempts to talk about it. Whenever I have tried to talk about our relationship the conversation usually turns into talking about his ptsd, and I am no longer a part of the conversations. I am not doing well right now, and I think it’s because I am terrified I am about to be abandoned again. I don’t have any idea of what to do to try to stop or help or change this. I am pretty alone where I am living right now and don’t have a very good support network. I don’t want to leave him, but I don’t think I can do another winter like the last one. He travels for work frequently and is usually on the road about half of the week. He basically puts all of his energy into completely exhausting himself with his businesses. Calling him a workaholic would be an understatement.

When we talked yesterday on the phone I kind of broke down and cried (which is extremely rare). I told him I was freaking out about the fall and that he had been distant. He apologized, and tried to immediately get off the phone and hasn’t returned a call since. I don’t want to make anything worse for him, but it is upsetting to me that the one time I can think of that I am trying to communicate fear to him he completely withdraws from me. I can’t help but feel punished. What is worse is that I have been working to help him get his business going since April and have put in countless uncompensated hours. I was happy to do it, and want to help and support him, but basically my entire spring and summer spare time has been working for him on top of my full time job. The only reason I mention this is that it just contributes to me feeling angry, isolated, and just hurt. I don’t even know what kind of contingency we could come up with that would help me not feel completely run over when he is a place that he can’t handle the world. I don’t know what the end game is here. I think it would be easier if we lived together, but I don’t even know. I just don’t know what to do right now. I feel bad for pushing him to talk about it, because it clearly isn’t helping. What’s worse is that I might have lost faith that whatever is said will help the inevitable that he is about to disappear on me again.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I have PTSD and had it most of my life. I would distance myself from husband but not abandon him except the one time my daughter and I left him for three months because of his violent alcoholism, But the important thing was he realized that he needed to get help and change he did for the better. If he had not gotten help I would never have gone back home.

We went to marriage counseling and he went to rehab and AA and we both had classes on recovery. I understand that this is different from your being so abandoned and my heart goes out to you for sacrificing so much of yourself for someone who is not taking care of you in any way unless I read you wrong.

If I was in your position I would go into therapy and learn about codependence and work on getting more friends and support for you. I would develop your own life apart from his and have the inner resources you need to get through this with him. There is no guarantee that he will ever want more or take care of you emotionally and your needs and wants are valid and important. Just as important if not more.

I am sorry that you are finding yourself in this situation, but please do whatever it takes to live a worthy life for yourself while you continue to support him as long as you feel able and have the desire to.

My husband died about four years ago and I had no life to speak of and had caregivers burnout and have been slowly developing my own life. I am going back into therapy and now have a good support system in place and actually love living alone now.

I so wish you a happy and fulfilled life that is rich with good friends and support and go out doing nice things for yourself and have some fun before the fall comes. It really is important for you to be a good friend to yourself first before him. I have learned what it is like to be alone and not have the resources to live a happy life and I am just getting started four years later. I am trying to spare you more pain and grief by sharing all of this with you. Keep us updated on your journey so we can better support you.:hug:

You are not alone, you have us.

 

[The Albatross]

Preparations sort of negate the whole concept of abandonment.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I think you need to decide what your wants and needs are in regards to this relationship. Wants can be worked around... needs not so much. Are you getting what you need?

 

[Sighs]

The silver lining here is that you know that fall is an issue for him.

My vet has a very hard time with anniversaries. Christmas until Anzac Day (25 April) is pretty bloody horrible every year. There are two sides to this for me. One is the practical. I can't expect him to be doing much as far as helping around the house, socialising is a no no and any extra pressure such as money worries needs to be dealt with without him knowing if possible. Of course, the other side is emotional. My birthday is in April so forget a party or even a dinner date. For about 4 months of the year I can expect emotional distance, less affection, more irritability etc. (Not to say that doesn't happen other times of the year!)

So it depends whether you can get to a place where you say to yourself - its not me its fall and things will be better in the winter - or whether you say this is not the relationship for me. Both are valid and ok. :hug:

 

[A concerned spouse]

First off you need to decide what you are willing to deal with. PTSD is an intruder that will raise its ugly head at any given moment or time. This will always be a part of his life and your if you choose to stay in this relationship. You will never be able to "fix" him and he will never be able to comfort or support you in times when he's struggling. This comes down to a choice. I've been a supporter for 35 years and you would think that I would totally be prepared for PTSD episodes but I still feel like I get Sucker Punched in the face with PTSD without warning. It's not an easy life loving and standing by someone with PTSD. It's not a fairy tale. But I know that my husband did not choose this and I, through therapy have learned to take care of myself and find my own distractions when he's in his withdrawal. I've learned that this is not about me or our relationship but about him trying to survive emotionally. He's barely keeping himself together that he has no energy to comfort me. The more needy I het, the more withdrawn he becomes and his guilt overwhelms him because he knows what this is doing to me. But I can stand up to PTSD now because I no longer look to him for my happiness or security. He appreciates the burden taken off him and he can heal faster. So it's all in what you think you personally can deal with because it's never going to go away.

 

[EveHarrington]

I have PTSD.

To me his behavior sounds downright cruel.

Yes, I understand he has PTSD but is it really good for you to be in a relationship like this? I'm failing to see what you get out of it.

Is it possible that you are using PTSD as an excuse to accept this treatment?

 

[ailic]

I have given a lot of thought to what it means about me that I am willing to accept the way he treats me at times. My older sister has severe schizophrenia, and I ended up being her primary caregiver for several years during my 20s. I am no stranger to the roller coaster of mental illness, and I don’t actually think I can fix or change anything in regards to him. I know I can only change myself and how I handle the situation. I think he is conscious of not wanting to put me in a caregiver roll, and that might be a contributing factor to his total withdraw…but it does feel cruel. I think I finally hit a wall last week because I feel punished for communicating my feelings and I don’t know how to move forward. How do you express your needs to someone when that makes them feel like a failure?

 

[EveHarrington]

Express your needs honestly but choose kind words without blame.

If you say things in a perfectly reasonable and heartfelt way, it's not on you if they feel like a failure.

It's up to him to manage his own emotional response.

 

[A concerned spouse]

For me personally there is a time and place that I speak openly, honestly and carefully about my feelings, my frustrations, conversely, anger, etc. Sometimes I hold them til the time is right . . . Until I know he is in a place where he will listen and communicate. I no longer argue, discuss or confront him when he's having an episode because I refuse to talk to the PTSD that's holding him hostage. I wait patiently for the moment when I see the man that I married peering out of the darkness. I still get my frustrations out. I use my therapist and my support system. It's a balancing act and it's not easy. I have personally made mistake after mistake in my approach but have learned from those mistakes and continue to learn everyday. I personally believe it's even harder when a man had PTSD because men aren't naturally good at communication as women are and then you throw in the PTSD and it's even worse. Don't allow this to drain your self esteem or self worth. Don't allow his PTSD to control you like it controls him. Be the loving and awesome person you know you are!! Prayers for you! I truly know how hard this journey is but with the right help and support system it's manageable.