How To Prevent Dependency?

[Iyllsa]

I've really started to think that I am becoming dependent on my friend. In a way I can't blame myself because I understand my past and circumstances which caused me to heavily rely on her. She also insisted I do, and I feel I made that mistake.

I'm sure one of the main ways to fix dependency is to want to fix it. In a way I do, but at the same time I'm not sure. I don't handle change well. I don't know if I truly am dependent and if I am, how will that affect the friendship. I don't want her to think I'm leaving her and I want to be able to rely on just like how she relies on me.

I want to find a medium between my old ways and the new ways. In the past I was completely alone in the sense of support and loved ones. I had to learn how to deal with it all by myself. It got rough, obviously, but after a while I learned to somewhat manage it before I entered a long dissociative state. (or maybe the dissociation helped me manage it. I don't know.)

I want to be independent enough that I can handle my issues by myself, but not too closed in that I don't know when to give in and ask for help.

I tried this before. At first when I was trusting my friend and relying on her heavily, she insisted I text her whenever I'm having a bad night whether it be paranoia, intrusive thoughts, dissociation, etc. We tried this for a week and I decided to stop texting her for help because she would stay on the phone with me until 4am. She wouldn't hang up until she was absolutely sure I was asleep and snoring, and sometimes even stay on for the next 30-60 minutes in case I wake up in a panic.

As much as I appreciate this, I learned fairly quickly how much of a bother and impact it was having on her. I told her by the third night that she didn't have to stay up but she did anyways.. so I stopped telling her by the end of the week. She'd still ask, but I'd tell her that I was going to try a coping method or I was feeling especially tired. Once in a while she'd call out of the blue so she could hear me talk and see if I'm okay. Sometimes I'd get caught and other nights I didn't. Anyways.

Eventually that stopped. There's still other things. I do know what I want to talk about in therapy, but other times she will have suggestions and would want me to mention it to my therapist, which I'm completely fine with. I'm blind to things like my behavior or how I act when having a bad episode of sorts, most of the time. She is my reality checker.

The problem is that I find it hard to have serious talk with my therapist. When I told her I had a suicide plan I was smiling and bubbly like my usual self in therapy.. I couldn't get serious. If she tried to bring it to a serious note, I'd immediately bring up the tone to a more lighter voice or atmosphere, if that makes sense. I never liked having deep conversation like that. I think it makes me feel vulnerable because it forces me to open up completely. Meaning what I'm saying matches my body language and tone, which shows I'm serious.. I don't like that.

With my friend though, I feel comfortable with her. Sometimes I will be bubbly and joke about dark matters but she knows me so well that she's smart enough to know when she can dismiss it as a joke or take me seriously. She gently forces me to slow down, sit with her, and have a serious talk to check in with me. Because I trust her and feel comfortable with her I don't feel too stressed or uncomfortable. If I end up dissociating then she knows how to help me. If I end up panicking or get confused, she already knows how to handle it and we've set up a plan on how to handle certain situations..

I feel that's so stressful for her and that's something I shouldn't put on her. I am trying to progress by showing interest in medication and speaking about it with my therapist who spoke with my doctor. My therapist is now writing notes for treatment plans to me which I can show to my doctor and/or any other people that need to know.

But sometimes it gets so hard to handle things without her and I feel I deserve to feel it all because I made the mistake to let myself rely on someone. I don't know what to think. I just don't want to lose the bond and closeness that we have but at the same time I want to keep things as healthy as I can for my friend.

Which brings up another thing and I couldn't bring myself to tell my therapist. I really feel like if my friend disappeared from my life, I wouldn't be able to handle it. I don't know what would happen but I do know it won't be pretty. My friend knows this and she has told me the same thing. I don't know if she means it since she says it when I mention I have thoughts of suicide. I mention it to her only when I'm really having a bad day and not thinking too clearly or she's feeling really sad. I try to not send the message that if she leaves it's her fault. I don't want her to feel guilty. I know I probably made a mistake to tell her that.. I don't want that pressure on her because I know what it's like to be given that sort of pressure.

Anyways.. shorter version is that I feel I'm an unhealthy friend and I don't know how to fix that without negatively affecting my friend any more.

 

[Muted]

it sounds like you have a good friend who cares about you and understands you. It also sounds like you value that and don't want to take advantage of her or and are concerned that she takes care of her own health. Is this something you can talk with your friend about, maybe have a plan to check in on what is working and isn't working? As far as the pressure, I think you need to allow her freedom to make decisions, but express your concerns.

Healthy relationships take time and communication and it's a process. Please be patient with yourself.

You're not an unhealthy friend, the unhealthy friends don't try to make things better.

 

[Nessa7]

I think that the big problem is that you're only mentioning the one support. Even if you rely on her more than anyone else, you need to have other options. You can't put all of your eggs in one basket, because your friend can't guarantee that she'll always be able to be there. No one can. It is good to be close, but it's dangerous if either of you relies entirely on just one person.

 

[Iyllsa]

it sounds like you have a good friend who cares about you and understands you. It also sounds like you...

She always tells me that she will vocalize when something is too much or she can't handle it. She's had to once in the past(I don't remember due to my bad memory) and she doesn't seem like the type to not tell the person.

I think that the big problem is that you're only mentioning the one support.

I know it is a problem and I don't expect her to always be there. It would be difficult, yes, but I wouldn't hold that against her as I understand she has her own life to live. I try to not be restricting in any way. She has multiple supports and has healthy outlets for when she is stressed. I don't. I don't have any other supports.. I mean I have my therapist but I feel like I can't open up to her yet and when I'm stressed I tend to just listen to music and/or play video games, if I have the energy to do anything. Sometimes if it's not too bad I'll do art. Other than that I just lay there and spiral into a depressive mindset and cry.

I know she would be okay if I wasn't there. She's strong and has other people she can reach out to. I try to limit the times I reach out to her and when I do I end up just being alone. I don't have anyone I trust like her and I take a long time to trust that person.

 

[Iyllsa]

Forgot to add that I do try and check on her once in a while, in the sense of how I may be stressing her out. We talk everyday 99% of the time so we check on each other throughout the day. I have told her to make sure she spends time with someone else and do fun activities with them.

We also do fun activities, we don't always focus on mental health.. we keep that on the lower side for me because when I talk about my past I tend to dissociate, but she talks to me about her problems and I do what I can to support her and be there for her.

 

[Iyllsa]

My friend is begging me to rely on her, again, but I don't want to become dependent on her. I don't want to be unhealthy for her, but she really wants me to rely on her and be open. I do try, but sometimes I find it difficult or I'll think I'm telling her too much, that it's getting old.

She and I were talking last night and she started crying because she was worried I'd kill myself and that I wasn't relying on her. She wants me to tell her the second I start to feel a bit sad, upset, weird, etc., which we did a bit in the past but then I think it turned out to be too much.

I don't know what to do.

Forgot to add that I'm not necessarily against relying on her, I do want to, but I don't want to do it to the point where I'm just crushing her.

Oh, sorry. I forgot that I already made a thread about this.. I don't mean to spam. :sorry:

 

[Iyllsa]

Is this something you can talk with your friend about,

I mentioned it to her today, but she doesn't seem too happy. Especially after last night. She said she doesn't know what to say but still believes I need to learn how to rely on her and communicate/commit.

When I told her that I didn't want to be an unhealthy, toxics friend she got upset and said I wasn't. I didn't know how to react to her reaction so I just apologized, which I know made her even more frustrated.

 

[Llith]

Oh, sorry. I forgot that I already made a thread about this.. I don't mean to spam. :sorry:

Ahaha dw I didn't see your previous thread, so I will reply to this one!

Not sure how much good advice I have though... I have always found sometimes 'over sharing' just means someone gets to see a very dramatic, unreasonable side of me that can damage relationships. Not to say that you shouldn't be able to share with her sometimes, but unless its a T most people just arn't setup to hear all the things we have to say. And sometimes their responses can cause more damage than good... Even if they didn't mean it.

That being said, having someone you can trust is a good thing, and maybe just saying you will give her a call and talk when you are having a bad day or something is enough to keep you more stable, and not overload her. I ended up just popping up round peoples houses on a bad day, and they knew, so we just kinda agreed to distract me silently, or something like that. Then in the evening when I had calmed down I may bring it up to discuss.

Its hard to draw the line, but I think as long as you have a T or some other form of proper support it is best to rely on them for emotional support in different ways that just spilling your guts and freaking them out ahahha.

And finally, if you feel you are at risk of damaging yourself or something it may be best to tell them, even if it does freak them out, so that they can get you help if appropriate. Kinda upsetting for them, but better in the long run for both of you :)

That was kinda long, and rambling, but these are just my experiences, other people may have a very different view!

 

[Tinyflame]

Idk what to say, it really does have a lot to do with being unable to rely, trust, communicate, commit.

But no one wants to be a heavy burden/ stressor on someone.

hugs. :hug:

 

[Abigail7]

Maybe you should go inpatient? You'll have 24/7 access to support while learning how to cope and support yourself. Of course I'm referring to inpatient trauma programs. I honestly think this is a good way to heal as we are taught how to support ourselves and it prevents us from making therapists out of our friends. It sounds like you need this level of support if you're in crisis every night of the week. I think your friend is a "fixer" and as such she cannot judge the healthy boundaries of friendships. She's already gone too far if she thinks that it's good to stay on the phone with you all night long all week long when you are in distress. Remember, she is a friend and not a professional. This dynamic in and of itself creates a dependency. If you were getting help from a professional, they'd teach you how to help yourself as opposed to becoming more reliant on others. I wouldn't rely on your friends opinion of whether or not this friendship is healthy.

 

[Friday]

How to prevent dependency?

Wanting instead of needing.

 

[Iyllsa]

Maybe you should go inpatient? You'll have 24/7 access to support while learning how to cope and support yourself. Of...

I don't know. I can't afford it which is one excuse and at the moment I'm doing a job that I love. My dream job, just about and I know I'll feel worse going in. I'm trying to hang on until I get medication before doing any more..

She's already gone too far if she thinks that it's good to stay on the phone with you all night long all week long when you are in distress.

I think so too, but she says if she really can't stay awake then she'll let me know and if I feel I'm in a crisis she encourages I reach out.

I know she's not a professional which is why I've tried to lessen this, but she's noticed this and gets stressed by it. And getting better is taking longer than we both want. I also have a hard time talking to my therapist and I know that's my fault, and having to put all of the pressure on my friend. She is honest, she says she doesn't have the tools to help me and will talk to my therapist for me if she thinks it's best to bring her in at that time.

I brought up the concern to my therapist and, although she thinks I'm not there yet, she understands my concerns and has suggested I try to do things like being my own reality checker. She hasn't suggested anything else though. She said she, "trusts I'll reach out when it's a crises," and that she's, "not worried about it at all." but I don't trust I would. My therapist said that a few weeks or so after I told her that I already formed a suicide plan and was just centimeters away from following through. In fact I already started to, but I was lucky that a few memories came up throughout the plan that made me stop. I told that to my therapist and it's like she forgot about it or something. I don't understand why my therapist would think she can trust I'll call her when I obviously didn't last time or for the last suicide attempts that I've done..

She also doesn't truly believe I'm depressed, or she'll say I have "mild depression" after I was able to almost kind of convince her that I am because I have felt depression before and I knew exactly what I was feeling. I just can't believe she thinks I feel "mild depression here and there" when I already opened up about how I had a suicide plan.. I don't know. Sorry I kind of ranted.