How To Put An 'emergency'-lid On This Thing?

[Owl.]

I'm not entirely certain if this thread really belongs in this subforum, the 'Therapy'-section or elsewhere, so please feel free to move if necessary, mods. :)

Here's the deal: Certain circumstances beyond my control have been filling up ye ole battered 'cup' pretty steadily over the course of the last three days. It's not a situation I could remove myself from, and the rising stress-levels are due to absolutely nothing but my own overthinking ways - which, in itself, is not unusual at all.

What is, however, is that the coping-mechanisms that have saved me from my mental spillage time and time again are failing me now, and they're doing so spectacularly.

I've tried breathing/feeling exercises, yoga, meditation, handicrafts (THAT went particularly well...:bag:) working my body to failure and/or, admittedly, punching things.

One or all of these usually do manage to stop or at least slow the rising tide, but this time, they only seem to make things worse. The rage at the source of this stress only seems to get stronger the more aggressively OR peacefully I try to get it under control.

So...before I really am at risk of becoming a homicidal maniac because I run colder than ever, I was wondering if anyone can think of any "emergency-stop buttons" I could try still? Stuff that doesn't require a lot of practice, yet isn't on the list up there. I'm not particularly fond of feeling the fuse burn and being unable to stop it at a time where I wouldn't be 100% certain what happens when this thing explodes. :oops:

(Failing that - does anybody have contact details for Thor? A whack on the head with Mjolnir might do the trick. :hungover:)

No, seriously, any help would be be appreciated. Whatever it may be, however silly it may sound, I'm willing to give almost anything short of animal sacrifice a try.

Thanks, guys and gals.:hug:

 

[BlueOrange]

The latest thing I've been doing is 'emotional exposure'. Instead of trying to control or manage the feeling, I keep my body silent, still, and comfortable while I work out how I feel.

I don't investigate the feeling so much as let the feeling unfold however it wants to. The reason this is safe is because I don't take any action during this time.

I find that the pain stops building after a while, and that the feeling settles, becoming more manageable after the exercise is over.

If minimizing or avoiding the feeling isn't an option, and letting it carry you away is a bad idea, you may need to plant your feet and face it head-on.

 

[Ronin]

First off, how are you with converting to safer acting out, and how are you with converting it to acting it out just in your head, to be dealt with later?

And is it one emotion hijacking everything else, or a wide mess of unprocessed stuff just hiding behind one emotion, as the what's felt as a more root problem'd make for a differing advice. (Aka is it the rage that's the problem stress is messing with, or is the rage actually protection against some other layer of problems the stress is both bringing up and messing with).

What stops you mid steps, what makes you go 'oh, wait, this about the world / me / people / animals is actually brilliant' moment?

'Sides that, I'm fetching some ale, because if the booze doesn't drag the god back to us mortals I don't know what does.

 

[StellaBlue]

The latest thing I've been doing is 'emotional exposure'.

This is very similar to what I have been able to do - which is "remove the story" and just feel the feelings. I have to say, though, that it is a difficult thing to learn and practice and I am disheartened when I hear of therapists telling clients to just "sit with their feelings". If you don't know how to do this - and it is a skill that needs to be learned - then to me it would be the same as a doctor telling a diabetic who has no knowledge of food composition to "just don't eat any sugar".

'Sides that, I'm fetching some ale, because if the booze doesn't drag the god back to us mortals I don't know what does.

And I was going to offer this as well :)...but I know pouring alcohol on top of extreme anxiety/stress/depression is a bad idea.

I think right now - where you are - it's not about "fixing" it...it's about "Don't Make Things Worse". How to do that? I don't know for you. One summer I made jam. Lots and lots and lots of jam. We still have jars of it in the cupboard...and the kids get nervous when I bring out the canning equipment.

 

[Owl.]

First off: Thank you for the replies. :)

@BlueOrange - That sounds absolutely reasonable.
Thing is, keeping this body still while it's in tunnel-vision mode with every muscle twitching and (almost) every instinct calling for a certain head on a platter seems to be something beyond my level of skill. It's something my docs have tried with me before when circumstances were similar, only for me to be out of the chair and running in circles within seconds.
From your experience, do you think it's possible to combine this with some form of physical outlet (and if it's battering a punching ball), or would that be too distracting? So far, I've tried to just get it OUT of the system by hitting the bag (admittedly while picturing a face on it), never really considered just letting it IN instead - if you know what I mean.

@Cashew - Acting out in my head only pretty much is the only thing that got me through the last couple of years. Keeping it all inside and wrestling it into that mental box to be taken out and re-examined when I'm in a better place is a pretty frequent thing for me to do, but this time, this monstrosity just seems to outgrow the boxes faster than I can bring them in.

What makes this particular thing so hard to handle is the fact that what started it is somebody's completely intentional sabotage of my (PTSD-vet - stupid idea, I know) partner's peace of mind and, with that, mine. That person poked him until he imploded, just for the giggles.
So I guess you might be right, this IS covering up underlying issues. Helplessness, mostly, because there's nothing I can do to fix this for him, but the steaming rage I feel for that other person, who has been deliberately keeping him from getting better for over a decade, just seems to want to run away with me here.

I know it's a load of dung, but my mind in the state it is in right now...well, the only way to "fix this" it can come up with is to make sure that person goes away. Permanently. So the rage seems to be offering an "easy" solution to the underlying issue, if that makes sense. Probably the reason it's so impossible to get under control here.

"Animals" doesn't sound like a bad keyword at all. Might have to see if I can find myself a dog to run with for a while or maybe take a trip to the zoo. No matter how bad I get, I don't think I'll ever feel murderous anger when faced with animals. :)

Until that can happen, though, I think the ole ale may really have to do. Or, y'know, rum. Good thing it doesn't matter how empty the fridge may be, the bar's always stocked.
Cheers! :)

@StellaBlue - Aaaah, "feel the feelings". Something I've always been absolutely useless with. My docs gave up on that years ago when they had to realize that Owl+feelings is like men+colors. I cannot tell the nuances apart at all, it's all primary colors to me. Rage - Love - Indifference.
There doesn't seem to be much of an in-between, even when I KNOW there's something else and I'm even able to name it. Not able to feel it, it'll always be shoved into one of the three drawers, and if I have to bash it with a hammer until it fits.

Usually that's okay, at least I'm familiar enough with these three to know how to handle them, but when someone comes to MY turf to deliberately mess with MY toys, all bets seem to be off. *sigh*

You succeeded in distracting me at least a little, though, as I am now wondering what my "jam" may be. I think doing something that'll actually result in something palpable and useful (as opposed to bleeding knuckles and sore muscles) sounds really good. Luckily I don't have any kids to scar for life (that actually made me laugh, thank you! :hilarious:), so it probably wouldn't even matter what I make or if it's any good. Just having something to look at and think "I made this. I didn't destroy stuff, I CREATED something"...very, very tempting. "Only" have to figure out what that could possibly be now...

Until I do, though, I declare the bar open. Please help yourself to a drink, it may not always be the best idea, but sometimes you just gotta throw the nectar of the gods at all the problems of the world and watch them drown in it. :)

Again: Thank you, I'm still beyond seething, but having a few more things to try where the usual suspects have failed certainly takes the focus off the ice-cold rage a little. :) :hug:

 

[Friday]

Cold anger I pretty much need someone to hold me back (my mantra of 'don't kill anyone, don't break anything' only lasts for so long), or I need to shut off my emotions for a spell. Hate that. Really effing hate it. But it's useful. No guilt. No fear. No remorse. Puts me in a very dangerous place. Also no rage. Slipped into it for a time this fall. Come to find, it's easier to follow my own moral code with the switch flipped off, to be logical. But if I could have been scared? I would have been. It took me years to get my emotions back the last time I went cold and hard. This time, it was a welcome break for a few weeks, and then back to abysses & breaches. Sigh. Almost hated to let it go. But since I had my emotions back? The fear it would be around to stay came back, too. So we did things the hard way, instead.

I have a list of tiered coping mechanisms that can help bleed off the rage that I'll get up here in a bit (none probably surprising, but hey, who knows?)... But in the meantime... Have you read this thread/article, yet?

Dealing With Anger

 

[Owl.]

Aaah, yes, Anthony's article.
It has saved me a few times before already, even in the few months I've been here. Always good to have a reminder, even at a time where those wise words just won't work.

That strategy does its job when I'm running hot (which happens pretty much....daily), but when I run cold, there's just no reasoning with myself.
When I start to smile through the rage, that is when people who know me get very, very worried and aren't exactly wrong to do so.
I've been grinning like a loon since some time Sunday evening.

Do to me whatever you want. If it makes you feel better to try to bring me to my knees? Fine. Do it.
It may take me to wicked dark places, but the sun will rise again even there, and I'll get back up knowing you're nothing but a sad, sad excuse for a human being.

Go and mess with the ones I love, though? Knowing full well what you're doing? Hurt them, break them, keep them small because you KNOW you'll end up all alone in this world if they find the strength to walk away from you? You're in for a WORLD of pain.

What this "person" is doing to my guy is nothing short of life-threatening for him. He's a very sick man (physically. Not even talking the mental issues.) and every last member of his medical team has - time and time again - stressed the importance of allowing him to unwind or the next bout of stress might be his last. This certain someone is making d*mn sure he doesn't get room to breathe - ever. While cracking jokes (to him!) about how he's gonna die from this.

Oh no you didn't.
Not on MY watch.
Go catch a live grenade. With your teeth.

Shutting it all off is something I know can help, but when everything else goes right along with the rage then, that's when I really can't be sure what's going to happen anymore. When I'm in full robot-mode, the most important thing that's gone is the guilt-/morality-/decency-filter between brain and mouth. The sh*t that might spill out then could easily mess up a few more lives still.

I know it sounds like I'm clinging to the rage, and maybe I am, but...
...yeah. I don't even know what. There IS a "but" in there, I just can't find a way to examine it well enough to explain its nature.

Maybe it's simply got to do with the fact that cold rage, even out of control, is better than helpless pity. I don't need to feel that any more than it'd do him any good, but when I can't even protect the ones I love in ANY way at all, my sense of self-worth tanks completely until going to war for them or throwing in the towel seem to be the only two options that come to mind.
With the latter not being something I've ever been any good at. I've probably got the biggest stack of towels in town.

Bah. Humbug. :banghead:

 

[Ronin]

Would putting the rage to avenging plans do anything? I mean, that asshole may be getting where he's getting with your guy and you because he's spotted where he's vulnerable & exploits the hell out of that, but I'm thinking there may be a few bases he hasn't covered himself while he was all focused destroying someone else. Even if you don't find them, you might find something else about him that's some useful, if nothing else how much pathetic he is & possible humor in it.

(Gah words. Not saying it's funny. Not saying cheer up even remotely. Saying you and your guy are both already winners that piece of garbage can't take down that easily, but there may be something to make his plans backfire that's getting overlooked through emotions, & thinking it without caring can actually be a plus.)

 

[Owl.]

"Pathetic" sounds about right. That creature has so many flaws and weaknesses, I could write several pretty thick volumes about them.
Personally - I wouldn't have any issues taking (very, very painful :happy:) advantage of those. If anyone ever deserved it....

My guy, however, has his reasons not to do so, misguided as they may be, and I sure hope to be able to help him change that attitude one day, but until then, I'm just so F***IN' SICK AND TIRED (pardon my yelling...and my French) of forever being the one to pay for what other people eff up.

He'd JUST come out of a massive episode including a five-month near complete shut-out. He was doing so well despite all the (other) crap he's going through, and now he's gone. Again. And I get to deal with it somehow. Again.

All because of that....creature. Who's very much in touch with him as I write this 'cause they never once gave a sh*t about his needs. At this point, I might be lucky if I see the man again alive, and it just...:mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad:

Thanks a lot (once more) for the reply, though. You're right about it all and somewhere underneath the rage, I know that, too. I'm just having a mighty hard time feeling "better" or "stronger" than anybody else right now.

He needs healthier coping mechanisms. I know that, he knows that, and once he stops running and starts facing the facts of that life of his, maybe we'll even be able to play the Poor Man's Avengers here (The Incredible Molting Owl and Captain Three-Legged Combat-Wiener at your service...) but until then, I get to enjoy that lovely feeling of being tossed aside while the one who really, really SHOULD be isn't.
Again.

...but hey, maybe the day will come where we CAN laugh about The Pathetic Flexi-Leech and find a worthy opponent for Poor Man's Avengers 2. Sure would be nice...here's hoping. :)

 

[BlueOrange]

From your experience, do you think it's possible to combine this with some form of physical outlet (and if it's battering a punching ball), or would that be too distracting? So far, I've tried to just get it OUT of the system by hitting the bag (admittedly while picturing a face on it), never really considered just letting it IN instead - if you know what I mean.

I think I know what you mean - and letting the feelings in, that's far scarier than letting them out.

Can it be done safely with battering a punching ball? Maybe. I can think of a way that it could go really badly, and I can think of a few ways that it could go well.

A way that it could go really badly
I don't work out very often, and I haven't done it in ages, but I've decided to use a punching ball as a way of feeling the stuff that's bottled up inside me. I practice in the front yard, in view of all my neighbours. I tape a picture of the person I'm angry with on the ball, and I smash him in the face. It feels good to be doing something to that bastard, and I smash him harder and harder. Then the actual guy that I'm angry with comes round the corner, and I've been feeling so good smashing him in the face that I do it for real this time.

The best way it could possibly go
I've been working out for some time. I have a safe place to work out in, and there is a routine that I follow. When I follow that routine, it helps me feel like I'm calm and in control. I decide to use a punching ball (part of my usual routine) as a way of feeling the stuff that's bottled up inside me. I get into my routine, and start feeling safe and in control. There's me, there's the ball, there's the rhythm, and that's the entire universe.

Once I'm stable, I deliberately remember how I felt about one of the bad things. It's a really uncomfortable feeling that I don't like, but the routine and the rhythm helps me to feel safe. The feeling gets more intense, and I'm not sure if I can take it, but I let it happen. The intensity of a feeling is like a wave, and I'm a bit scared that the wave might break over my head and drown me, but then I find that the highest point of the wave has gone past, and I become aware of something that I hadn't noticed before. I start to feel safer about this feeling, like it's possible to experience it all the way, and still have control over what I'm doing.

A different but very positive outcome
Once I'm stable, I deliberately remember how I felt about one of the bad things. It's a really uncomfortable feeling that I don't like, but the routine and the rhythm helps me to feel safe. The feeling gets more intense, and I'm not sure if I can take it, so I back off. I find the rhythm again, bring myself back to a feeling of being in control. I'm stable again. I think about going back to the feeling, but I'm feeling tired, and I'm not sure that I'd be able to bring myself under control. I start to feel safer about this feeling, like it's possible to experience it part of the way, and still have control over what I'm doing.

A difficult but positive outcome
Once I'm stable, I deliberately remember how I felt about one of the bad things. It's a really uncomfortable feeling that I don't like, but the routine and the rhythm helps me to feel safe. The feeling gets more intense, and I'm not sure if I can take it, but I let it happen. The intensity of a feeling is like a wave, and I'm a bit scared that the wave might break over my head and drown me. I've overstretched, I'm not coping, and I am drowning. The wave of emotion breaks, and crashes into me. The rhythm disintegrates and I'm flailing my arms - I can't tell whether I'm screaming or crying. After a few moments, I collapse on the ground, feeling stupid and angry. I never should have done this stupid exercise, it was always doomed.

It takes me a while to calm down, and to reflect on what happened. I forgive myself for the fact that the exercise didn't go the way I had hoped. I'm glad that I was in a safe place when I did it, and nobody got seriously hurt when I felt like I was out of control. I remember what it was like just before things got out of control, and decide to try an experiment - if I back off when I reach that part of the 'danger zone', maybe I'll have an easier time bringing it under control. Or perhaps I try a different experiment, going just as far as last time, reassured by the fact that the loss of control that I felt didn't have disastrous consequences. Either way, I start to feel safer about this feeling - like it's possible to experiment with feeling it and that a failed experiment is survivable.

Some actual advice
So, when it comes to 'planting your feet and facing it', the most important question is "Can you construct an experiment that is 'safe to fail'?" If you can, then it's worth a try. If failure means disaster, then you need a way to lower the stakes before testing the limits of what you can do.

Also, you might want to look into Steve Hassan and his work to oppose cult mind control. He has a strategy for helping people exit cults and controlling relationships that you can use to help your guy to make good choices. It's slow, and it's hard work, but it's low-risk and it beats the hell out of feeling powerless.

 

[Owl.]

@BlueOrange - massive thanks for taking the time to write all that!
It'll take me some time to allow the possible outcomes/different strategies to sink in, I guess, before I can decide on a future course of action, but it seems the natural response goes along the lines of "the wave crashing into me".

The whole thing took a pretty sudden and rather unexpected turn when the entire focus of the rage shifted from that creature to my poor guy. At least I had enough sense left to not let it out on him, I also know he most definitely doesn't deserve this as someone who's still (despite the length of time he - theoretically - spent in therapy already) well within the "getting worse" stage that has to come before anything can get better. Which, of course, made it all even more frustrating and impossible to deal with, so I took pretty much every workout-routine I've ever had, combined them into a massive 12-hour event and took them all WAY over the top. Basically took heavy machinery to the physical and mental walls and ultimately worked myself into a lovely little flashback.

Been mentally exhausted and fairly foggy ever since, which, to be honest, beats 'homicidal' by miles.
It probably ( :laugh: ) isn't the healthiest way, but it sure worked its magic and no one got hurt.

When I'm able to think clearly again, I'll definitely go back to your post once more and see which of these options I think I could handle, though.
They all sound absolutely reasonable (though I'll admit #1 sounds the most fun - but even I can see why it'd not be ideal :p). Never really asked myself the question if anything is "safe to fail" before (the way I did it now probably really wasn't. If I'd flashed before I'd crawled back up these stairs on all fours, it might've gotten nasty...).
No idea why. I mean, that's sort of important, isn't it? Even at times when nothing else seems all that certain, it miiiiiiight not be a bad thing to be relatively sure that no one's going to end up bleeding or worse if things don't go as planned.

I actually might scatter a few post-its with that question on 'em all over this apartment as little reminders until its importance has sunk in...as soon as I can move again, that is. :dead:

Also: Thanks a lot for the suggestion to look into Mr. Hassan's work. I'll definitely do that!
At this point, I'll take any help I can get because my guy just HAS to see that this crap is unhealthy beyond belief. He's got enough problems, he certainly doesn't need to be manipulated, kept small, used, (emotionally) abused and actively sabotaged on that long road ahead.
Yeah, he's basing his entire sense of self-worth on his ability to help others, but I'll be damned if he can't find something (ANYthing) else for that.

Guess I'll have plenty of time to do some research there before he comes back out of this hole now. :rolleyes:

Again, thank you.
I may not have the brainpower to make it all come out right at this point, but you've been tremendously helpful and the next time I run cold, I hope I'll have reached a place where I'll be able to remember your words. :)

 

[BlueOrange]

Very glad that it seems to be helping. I've been thinking a lot about what I wrote and trying to apply it too!

It's worth noting that outcomes 2-4 all result from the same strategy, which is basically 'prepare and be as safe as you can, then give it a shot'. That kinda sounds like what you did in your 12-hour marathon, too. (You might not have entirely intended to give it a shot, but you did prepare, and you did encounter the wave of feelings. And it seems to have worked out OK, even if it didn't go according to what you'd want.)

Also, don't forget that 'safe to fail' doesn't have to be 'could never possibly go wrong', it only has to be 'covers the identified risks well enough that it's reasonable to think that it's safe'. Cause shit will still happen, no matter how well-prepared we try to be.