How To Recover From Confusing Therapy?

[HappyJock]

Most of you have been up-to-date with my plan to officially go to that new therapist next week, that specialist and a lot of you are also aware of the therapist I have now, who's friendly, kind and one that I've trusted like no other T in my life before. However, today with my last session with her. She didn't know about me going to this other T and she didn't know that I intended to make my last session today. The problem is, I self-harmed today - and dissociated terribly. Why? I'm not sure.

1. Is it that I tend to run from therapists and people once I get too close?
   
2. Is it that I feel like I'm saying I need a specialist as a way of self-sabotage to deny myself the one good thing that came into my life? A professional but caring therapist? That I find myself so screwed up because my own thoughts are distorted about myself and that I'm less shitty and problematic than I think I am?
   
3. Is it that there are small, little things that bother me about her? Today, like many other days, she said "You don't have to feel ashamed to talk to me about what you went through; it wasn't your fault and I'm sure you'd say that to another kid your age who told you what happened to him. I've heard it all, so you don't have to hide for my sake, either. I've heard cases that were more severe than yours and some the same or some less.

Is it me, or should a therapist never tell that last bit to their clients? Like I get what her intentions are, but just by saying "I've heard more severe cases" it really made me feel bad and think "Well, shit. Maybe mine ISN'T so severe. Maybe I'm over-reacting and don't actually need intensive therapy."

I've never felt so conflicted. It's like having your best friend start belittling your situation without meaning to. You'd feel bad, wouldn't you? Or am I making too much of what she said and it's not such a bad thing?

I can't calm my mind; I self-harmed because there were two conflicting thoughts. She's amazing as a therapist. She doesn't specialize in anything and she got her Master's a year ago. So I can't expect her to do what a therapist with their own practice would do. It sucks, because I trusted her so much but I feel like I'm running to a specialist because I need to but also because of running from good things. On another thing, but ticked me off was what she said about other cases being more severe. On top of that, we were talking about how rewarding I find work and she mentions how she doesn't find coming to work rewarding or a reward. Isn't that... like a dick thing to say if you're a therapist and like helping people? I don't know if she was joking, but it just made me think I may be adding to what she doesn't like about her job. And I have no idea how to calm myself down from all of this and think straight. Any tips on that end?

 

[Whyteferret]

Most of you have been up-to-date with my plan to officially go to that new therapist next week, that...

Therapists make mistakes. She's relatively inexperienced. You're questioning yourself if you're running from a connection or maybe even facing the situation. What if it would help to stay and face the discomfort? And build a healthy relationship with someone?

IMO, she made a,mistake comparing like that. But, her intention was to help you be more comfortable.

Maybe go back and talk to her about it? It sounds like otherwise, you like her and she's doing well by you. If you're nervous about brining it up, write it down and read it to her. It has the chance of being a win for both. You may be able to stay with someone you trust. And she gets feedback about being a therapist.

Therapists learn more from mistakes and working with people than school. School,gives theory, facts, and how to...and a bit of practice.

 

[Whyteferret]

Most of you have been up-to-date with my plan to officially go to that new therapist next week, that...

Mindfulness helps me. Notice breathing and keep it level and calm. Not necessarily deep because that can hyperventilating. Notice things around you- tune into one thing you see and notice everything about it. Listen to the sounds around you. Feel your feet on the floor (or your butt in the chair). The idea is to focus on something (s) physical to quiet your mind.

Do something physical if you like that. Take a walk, run, lift weight, do some push-ups. Or knee bends. Not everyone likes this though and it's not always practical.

 

[ButterflyBean]

What have you used to distract yourself before? Music, art, something that doesn't take a lot of thought so you can get your feelings out? I totally get feeling conflicted; I'm struggling with the same issue for a different reason. I won't go into detail because this is not about me, but I want you to know you're not alone in what you are feeling!

Here's a different perspective on the less or worse case then yours: Being the guinea pig so to speak isn't easy, and everyone who experiences trauma wants to go to an expert per se, but how do therapists become experts in a particular area? By working with clients and perfecting skills, both basic to the counseling relationship and unique to their desired specialties. Instead of focusing on the severity of your symptoms and/or situation, can you view your case as opportunity for learning on both sides? What have you learned by seeing her, and what did you, the client, teach her that she can bring to her other clients? All therapists have a toolbox based on previous experience and knowledge. The same is true for the new specialist you're about to see.

Good for you for being able to recognize your needs and do everything possible to meet them. Good luck on the next part of your journey!

 

[Abstract]

Hi! I don't know your back story so am sure someone else will answer you better. I have to say I really think its helpful seeing a specialist. Some here manage without but for me it is important.

As for the things she said that are upsetting you: I would also be set off by the comparison stuff. It seems she knows enough to identify some of the difficulties people have but then expressed it in a way that someone stuck in comparisons would latch onto.
The second comment Im not sure about, Was there a context?

I think any t can put their foot in their mouth or we sometimes misunderstand them. I hate it intensely but I think the only way to manage therapy well is to be able to check in with the person to see if our perception is true.. Something I find near impossible to do and one of the reasons I find therapy near impossible.

Regardless of if you go to a trauma specialist or not these things will pop up. Sadly. We are all different and although certain things are guaranteed to get to anyone others are very different for different people.

I don't know how badly she messed up before but I do think that leaving is an opportunity for growth. I read once that one cant be good/bad at therapy - that as long as we talk our concerns through with the therapist and work through end of treatment properly rather than ducking then that is the important thing. And I lied and then ducked the last time I left therapy! Rolls eyes.

Good luck. It will be OK. From what you say its obvious she does care about what happens to you and does tale you experiences very seriously. If you can keep in your mind the deeper longer term truths rather than the other things then it might be possible to calm yourself You can do this.

 

[Sideways]

I don't think the comparison comment was helpful.

But, since she's said it, think about the alternative...
"You're the most severe case I've ever dealt with."

Hearing that, what would you start thinking? Maybe, faaark, I'm beyond help. Maybe, faaaark, I'd better not tell her about X, Y and Z then, because she might not cope/might not believe me/won't know how to deal with it...

Keeping in mind the comment might be BS (I've had the same comment before from someone who, actually, I'm pretty sure I make it into at least their top 5), it does notmalise not just what you've been through, but also the self-harm you're engaging in as a way of coping.

Not a great way to say it, but maybe what she was saying was; you're not the freak of the week, and there's nothing you can tell me that's gonna freak me out or be unsafe to talk about, because I know this stuff, you're in good hands...

Just an alternative perspective..?

 

[HappyJock]

What if it would help to stay and face the discomfort? And build a healthy relationship with someone?

This got me. But I'm delusional and confused; I admit that. On some days, I want to admit myself as an inpatient. Because I know that this new therapist I see next week is amazing; but it'll go in a spiral, wouldn't it? Once I get comfortable with her, my head will come up with excuses "Oops. She f*cking annoys me. She's too kind. I can't get close. I can't do this." And I'll find small things and take them out of context and misconstrue it. Sometimes I wish I wasn't allowed to leave therapists unless they refer me out so this way I don't keep running. Maybe this new therapist will actually be fantastic! But maybe it'll go the same way as it did with this therapist that I decided to leave even though she was literally the best - and able to read me like no other.

But I'm feeling good about it; then not. I'm feeling great about it; then I doubt it. Sometimes I think I need more help than I care to admit.

 

[EveHarrington]

Please remember that your dissociation is to the point where you end up self injuring while in a dissociative state so staying with the current therapist who isn't treating your dissociative disorder would mean putting your physical well being at stake.

 

[ButterflyBean]

"Sometimes I wish I wasn't allowed to leave therapists unless they refer me out so this way I don't keep running".

This statement is absolutely key! I'm probably going to say something you already know but may not see in your current emotional state. This is exactly what you need to tell your new therapist in order to avoid the same situation you just left. Establish clear rules under which you are "allowed" to leave. Past experience should influence the amount of choice, and as you grow/learn new skills, you can re-evaluate those terms.

I don't want what I said to make you feel like your therapist can trap you into something you are uncomfortable with because anyone who does that is not a good fit; however, I would encourage you to think about boundaries that would make it difficult for you to sabotage such a great opportunity. I admire your self awareness of knowing that you have a tendency to run away when things get uncomfortable. My point is that this might be a great place to start, something that is not directly related to your trauma but will allow you to move forward and start building a healthy relationship.

Good luck, and please keep us posted!

 

[Casey_03]

My first thought is that a) you self-harmed because of the anxiety and stress of moving to a new therapist (a new person is a risk - it means opening up all over again) and b) that maybe you are finding all these faults with your soon-to-be ex-therapist because it's easier to leave her behind that way.

 

[Sideways]

I'm gonna put this out there.

I really like what @HollyBeans27 has suggested. I've wanted that sort of arrangement with my therapy team in the past for much the same reason. "Help me stop myself from self-destructive behaviour". Running from Ts who are safe, who are helping, that's learned safety stuff.

It's a lot lik other forms of self-destructive behaviour though. The answer to alcoholism is not to have someone lock you up until you're sober. The answer to cutting is not to get involuntary hospitalisation until you learn other ways to cope.

It's really tough. Really really tough. But the answer to self-destructive behaviour is to take responsibility for it, assume control, and stop yourself. Not have others force you to stop. That would be easier, and in the short term it will feel safer.

But this is your therapy. You have to be in control of your recovery. Your treatment team can help you identify when you behaviour is self-destructive, and they can offer you better alternatives. But at the end of the day, you need to be the one calling the shots.

When you make bad decisions, it hurts, it sets you back. But when you make good decisions, and you cope with those decisions, that's when you're really recovering.

It's harder that way. And I'm with you, I screw up being in control all the time. But that's me learning, and me taking responsibility for my life and my recovery. And every now and again, I look back and realise I'm not making as many bad decisions. I've made some good calls on my own behalf, and even though they've usually been scary decisions, I survived it. And there's one more thing that I know I can cope with, all by myself.

Whichever way you go on that needs to suit you. But the scary option, the one where, yes, you may screw up badly from time to time, that's the one where you're taking responsibility for your life...

Just some thoughts from someone who's screwed it up with some good T's in the past as well...

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

Re:the comparison comment. I've had therapists in the past tell me this, too. I, too, found it invalidating .... But I really believe that it came from a pace of them wanting to normalize Hingis for me so that I wouldn't feel beyond help.

Probably, it just shouldn't have been said. But, I think that the intention was probably pure and your reaction is totally normal.