How To Show Support (carers/sufferers)

[Trying best]

What do carers of Combat PTSD do to show patience, love, and support in a relationship?

 

[Purplemunchkin]

My OH doesn't have Combat PTSD, but he is a blue-lighter which is the cause of his PTSD.

As you know, it is different for everyone, and even for different situations. The following are kind of general:

When my OH is depressed and/or reflective I hold his hand and actively listen to him.

When he is too upset or overwhelmed to talk I will hold him. He says that my scent helps to ground him.

When he is agitated and aggressive he will either seek conflict (verbal) and tries to wind me up, or he will ignore me. Most of the time my response is the same. I will kiss him on the hand, forehead, wherever I can reach. I will tell him that I love him. And I will then take my book/laptop and go into another room. I will rinse and repeat every half an hour or so until he has calmed down, at which point he will come to me and we will have a cuddle and talk about what is going on in his head.

 

[Ladyghosthunter]

My brother was in Desert Storm as USMC military police and what he saw to say the least was horrid. He admitted to me what he saw on the side of a road one day; he said he saw a dead girl child naked, dead and well, you can figure out the rest that I will not repeat here. He also stated that he was shot at and I, to this day, think he suffers from PTSD just like me because of not only what we went through as children but what he went through in combat.

My brother's anger is beyond anything I've ever seen in my life. Although he relies on God and goes to church, I'm scared terribly about what my sinister in law is "teaching" him about God which is not what he needs. The best way to deal with what I went through with my brother is to be there for him even though I never saw what he did. Just like me, the memories of what happened stay with you as they stayed with him. I can just imagine what he saw as I've read and heard stories about how men of that culture marry young brides and treat them like garbage.

Since I am going through my own "damage", my only suggestion is to be there for him/her if they are willing to talk about it and to respect what they went through. They risked their lives for our country and it's best that we, as caretakers and former caretakers, let them speak to a professional to help them through this through our own education of the illness we suffer as well as them. Let us understand as we understand one another.

Please thank them for our freedoms.

 

[Sighs]

The biggest thing for me is to try and stay calm myself. So, if he is angry, snapping for no reason, yelling etc do not respond with anger - the situation will simply escalate. If he is winding you up by saying things he knows will get under your skin, try to tell him calmly that you don't agree or that the remark hurt your feelings but don't be surprised if he just laughs and says you are being over sensitive. And in some ways hardest of all - if he has withdrawn and doesn't want to speak to you or spend time with you - let him have that alone time to center himself again. If he wants to be with you and he is well enough to be in a relationship (neither of which are a given) he will come back to you in his own time.

My combat vet asked me once if I could imagine how much hate and anger you have to have inside you to kill people. That doesn't just go away when you leave the armed forces. An American soldier once said something along the line of "Nothing changes. Until someone tries to kill YOU. And you kill him instead. And after that nothing is ever the same again." You can't apply the usual rules of society to these men. I don't mean that they have a gold pass in life to treat people badly but that they are so damaged by what they have done/seen/etc that they literally cannot function like the rest of us so you have to change (not lower) your expectations.

 

[Trying best]

@Sighs what a wonderful advise!! Love it. I am definitely learn a lot will definitely implement it in my own life:)

[DOUBLEPOST=1403137206,1403137133][/DOUBLEPOST]@Sighs i wanted to ask you a question. You said in the last line "not lower expectations" what do you mean by that?

 

[Sighs]

I think a lot of people NOT in a relationship with a combat vet think that those of us who are have lowered our expectations because we tolerate behaviour that is not "normal". I prefer to see them as changed expectations.

So, if I am talking to my vet and I realise that he has the 1000 yard stare over my shoulder and hasn't heard anything I said for the last 10 minutes, instead of being upset that he is not listening to me I recognise that he is having a flashback. The flashbacks are by definition involuntary and intrusive. They are also very distressing for him. I stop talking and wait. If I think it is safe (judging by the level of arousal I see - for example his breathing, the veins in his neck etc) I touch him gently on the arm to see if that can bring him back. Usually there is no point trying to resume the conversation when he does come back.

If your expectation is that when you talk your partner will always listen to you you are going to be disappointed. If your expectation is that if he can he will listen to you and if he can't right now then you will have the conversation again some other time then there is no problem.

Obviously not every scenario is as benign as this. A trained killer with anger problems is pretty scary at times. You have to think very carefully about your boundaries and tell your vet what is not acceptable to you. (Ie: physical violence, cheating, whatever is a deal breaker for you).

PS - as my father is also a combat vet with PTSD a lot of my vet's behaviour feels perfectly normal to me but other people find it pretty confronting so maybe I have different expectations to most

 

[Trying best]

@Sighs my estranged hubby is a combat vet and has serious issues from 17 yrs of special service. You have such great patience. I didn't and I have lost him. But he has this tendency of being controlling, literally take over the situation and gain control, very persuasive and at time manipulating. I cant help but feel manipulated at times.

For instance, I am not sure if you have read my other posts but my hubby filed for divorce for mentally treating him bad due to my ignorance on ptsd . Since then I have learned a lot...A lot! I know I have told him that but he says the scar is so deep from being mentally abused he is far gone in his mind and want the divorce for now. We still have a year to go before it is finalized. He does give a slight hope saying that if we keep talking things may change. But when I text him few times , he text right back but Not really interested in talking further or anything? So what does he mean if we continue to meet up?

Furthermore, he tells me not to contesst the divorce as he is not mentally prepared but I am gonna protect my rights and fight for what I deserve but he gets so mad when I do that??

Manipulative, isnt it???

Also, if I show him that I am Hurting from the seperation, he will try to console me. Or, when I got robbed in gunpoint, he came and calmed

Me down. I feel he does care but I think it is very manipulative as it.

Almost feels like it is him and not the ptsd controlling these action. Any thought??

 

[Sighs]

I commented on one of your other posts - unless he is prepared to put the divorce on hold I do not think you can work on your relationship. If he insists on proceeding with the divorce then I think you have to conclude that he is not genuine about the possibility of getting back together therefore manipulating you. How long were you married? Are there children involved?

Ultimately you cannot force him to remain in a relationship with you. Regardless if the issue is his PTSD, his hurt due to your behaviour during the marriage or just his controlling personality he has to want to be with you or it just won't work.

Have you thought of simply ceasing all contact and waiting to see if he reaches out to you?

 

[Trying best]

@Sighs we have no kids, married for 2 years.

It was intense love on his part during the initial relationship. Few weeks ago, I used to text him almost every other day. But seeing the no interest ptsd or not hurts. So I have cut contact drastically. He texted me about something today about some paperwork that he took initiative for me so I thanked for it. But no response. Honestly, I feel like they say give time to Ptsd sufferers and wait for them to come but I feel the opposite. In my case, the more space I give him, the more comfortable he gets with it and the more distant he becomes. I don't want him to forget about me? Or am I wrong?

This is the most confusing thing that has happened to me.