How To Stop Fight Or Flight Response?

[NightSky]

So I've recently had the realization that my fear of emotions/vulnerability is making me very stuck in therapy (and in life). We decided to start working on that and last night started going over a timeline I made of experiences I've had where I've actually expressed emotion in the presence of another person and how it has gone. I'm hoping to get to some of my messed up core beliefs and change them. I want to do this and I want to talk to her about it. But I cannot seem to lower my adrenaline level enough in her office to have an open, honest dialogue, let alone allow emotions to surface. I draw blanks to her questions consistently. I laugh and smile a lot. And I shake. (But not enough for it to be visible to her). And I feel like running out of there. She gives me things to hold, that I can fidget with and look at. She uses essential oils I can put on or put in a diffuser. She asks how I'm feeling regularly throughout. But I never know how I'm really feeling until I leave and get in my car. Then I will either cry, start shaking so much it's hard to drive, or feel relief and calm.
I know getting up and walking around doesn't work because she has walked me to my car and I don't feel any less activated until I'm totally alone.
Last night we talked about two traumas that feel like very manageable ones that I thought I was fine with. But when I got in my car the shaking started and then I got a massive headache. She had asked me to email when I got home so I did and told her how I was feeling and she said she thought I had been doing so well. She said maybe we can keep a notebook on my lap so I can let her know if I'm feeling overwhelmed but I feel so frozen I can't imagine writing in front of her, plus I rarely feel overwhelmed. I just feel nothing.
Somehow I need to get the adrenaline lowered so I can be more present there. I've tried everything I can think of to ground myself. (I don't know if grounding matters with adrenaline, or just dissociation). Any ideas? I'm starting to feel like this is never going to change. :(

 

[Bristol]

Just liking because i have the exact same issue and really like to see what responses you get, im sorry this is all so hard

 

[erigby]

How long have you been with this therapist?
My experience is...it takes months to be at a comfort level where my adrenaline doesn't rise as soon I step into the office.
I have found it is helpful to write down things that I want to talk about, as they come up during our time apart.
This keeps my adrenaline rushed mind from taking over when I am with my therapist.
I always double check my list.
50 minutes a week isn't much.

I have also found it is helpful to give myself at least 30 minutes before an appointment to get myself in a place to begin.
It does no good to walk in in a fluster and take those 30 minutes to calm down.
Also, think about why you might be holding back.

Is she someone you see outside of the office? Is he/she attractive?
Is it because you don't know her? Because you know her too well? Do you worry about what she might think?
or How you compare with other clients? Is she someone you think you might like as a friend?

These are all very good questions to ask yourself...there is no shame in any of them.
My experience, although very limited, is...if I don't care about the therapist personally...I am much more likely to let it all out.
So...whenever I hold back...I have to ask myself these questions.
In my experience...holding back is my issue not theirs.
If your therapist is any good at all... they will be patient...and ready when you are.

 

[Keming]

You're not alone in feeling flight response, terrified of exposure/vulnerability.

Seconding erigby: write a few things down to bring in. Suggestion: keep it at 4 or lower. Too much and the list becomes an intimidating wall of text. Too few and there's... gonna be something too brittle to talk about.

A thought that sometimes helps me: Therapist is a professional. Not family, never friend. No relationship that can be used to hurt me in any way. Just a consultant being paid to assist. No threat.

 

[NightSky]

Thanks, these are interesting things to consider.
I've been seeing her for 18 months. I do see her outside of the office for a short time most weeks with usually no interaction as we have a slight dual relationship. Which we've talked about at length and doesn't seem to be a problem. She is very attractive. I do know her pretty well in that she shares a lot and we are similar so we could easily be friends if she wasn't my T. She's only a few years older than me. I do worry all the time about how I compare with other clients because I figure I'm much more frustrating to deal with. Just because of my resistance. I think most of the dynamics between us make me feel safer. I had a T for two years who I knew nothing about and didn't feel a connection with and it was the same deal. But worse. Because at least with this one I have emotions after so I know we are getting somewhere. Also, this tends to be how I feel whenever talking about myself even with my best friends. I do know it's me and not her and she's super patient. But it's beyond frustrating to be "fine" albeit frozen in her office and then leave and have to manage the emotions or whatever happens alone. It feels backwards. I do try to take time before to calm myself down but I can't get myself calm at all. And we are working on a list of stuff that I feel pretty okay about discussing so it's not lack of topics. It's just drawing blanks because of the adrenaline.
Thanks for the suggestions. I'm going to think more about this stuff to see if any of it is something I should bring up with her.