How To Tell My Friend He Accidentally Triggered Me

[zeropoint]

My friend Jake is a good source of support, and we talk a lot about our struggles in mental health. He does not have PTSD or anxiety, though, and I have both in spades.

A couple days ago, he said something in an email that triggered me hard. He really was trying to be helpful, and what he said wasn't actually bad. It's just that my trauma around some things is so fierce. I'm shaking a lot now and having major sleep disturbances.

Other things have gone on lately; it's not just him. But what he said brushed up against my very biggest issue, the issue that triggers me so much that I can't work on it at all because it just kicks me out.

I feel like it'd be good to tell him in a non-accusatory way that what he said inadvertently set this all in motion. But it's hard to even make that call right now from the midst of things.

If you were in my position, would you tell your friend? And how would you put it?

 

[The Albatross]

If you understand that the intent was trying to be assistive/helpful then what's your problem? He is not responsible for your reactivity, you are.

 

[zeropoint]

If you understand that the intent was trying to be assistive/helpful then what's your problem? He...

It's more so he is aware in the future how sensitive I am to the subject he brought up.

 

[The Albatross]

We/I can not control others as much or more than we can control ourselves. Why don't you turn your efforts to your perception and ability to endure instead of call your friend who is well intentioned to "account"?

 

[Justmehere]

It's great you are planning to communicate with him what you need in a gentle but direct way. It takes courage to do that.

Are you trying to communicate a boundary or explain/impress upon him what PTSD is like or hold him responsible for the symptoms of being triggered that your experienced?

All three of those things are very different goals.

We are responsible for managing our symptoms and communicating the boundaries that we need. He is only responsible for his actions, and if anyone is responsible for how you feel now, it's the perpetrator of the trauma that was stirred up. Not this friend. Don't blame him for anything but his actions.

If you want him to better understand your PTSD symptoms, then that if a different conversation than expressing a need or boundary you have in the friendship with him.


If you still insist on needing to explain what being triggered has been like, think about the goal you are trying to achieve and make sure hat there is no other way. I generally feel like crap if someone says I triggered their PTSD and they go on in details about the symptoms. I actually feel scared to help again, for fear I would make it worse. I generally really like constructive feedback though, when someone tells me what isn't helpful to them and what is. That is more inviting to be more connected and supportive of them, rather than back up.

If you still feel like you must communicate how awful the symptoms have been especially if you plan to reach out to him for help or support again, I would first communicate the boundary, what you need in the future. Then wait.

Wait until the boundary first sinks in and give it a little time.

If he meant well, and was trying to help, and has been a good safe source of support in the past, and you want him to better understand your PTSD, then wait until the emotions of the moment of telling him you don't want him to do the same thing again before you go into the symptoms of the PTSD that you would like him to better understand.

Otherwise, if you explain how bad the PTSD while also setting the boundary, he is likely to feel wrongly at fail for your symptoms, when he is not. He is responsible for his actions, and that's significant, but that's it. If you dive into how triggered you feel while setting the boundary is likely to feel like crap and either defensively shut down or maybe even say harsh things to your

Remember that you don't have to explain the symptoms of the PTSD or what it was like to be triggered in order to ask for what you need and set boundaries with him on this topic.

Just saying no stop, please don't talk to me about this is enough.

Focus on constructive feedback, start off with something positive and validating and end with something positive. For example, you could start off by saying "I know you really want to help and I deeply appreciate it. It's best to help me by... and it's helpful and really important to avoid.... Thanks for being such a good friend." Or whatever is positive and validating and constructive feedback.

If this more of a disagreement, then "when you.... I felt..." is language therapists advise using when sorting out a conflict. This doesn't quite sound like a disagreement though, or was it?

If you have communicated boundaries around he topic before, then make the boundaries clear again, and tell him what you will do if he brings up the topic again. (i.e. "I won't email you for the time being" or whatever you will do to take care of what you need and now allow him to break the boundary again.)

I would avoid saying anything like "when you write xyz, it made me stay up all night..." That usually puts people in the defensive and shuts them down to hearing what we want them to know.

Especially because you are feeling so maxed out, I would keep it as simple as possible until you are less triggered and avoid lots of details right now. Be clear, direct, but don't get into loa of details as hat will invite more involvement and that might take time for you both to sort out how to handle this in your relationship.

Focus on being grounded before you call him. When we feel triggered, our fight or flight symptoms might make us feel like we absolutely need to act when we really don't actually have to, or when doibg something that we feel we must do would do more harm than good.

Work on grounding or any other safe and healthy skills that helps decrease your anxiety and symptoms right now. If you feel unable to function, call your doctor or therapist. If you don't have one, finding one may be the first thing you should pour your limited energy into right now.

You are doing a good job of trying to respond to being triggered by what he wrote, instead of reacting. I hope you are able to find relief from this triggered state soon and are able to keep this good friend of yours. It's great to have good friends like him. :hug:

 

[illusionist]

I can't like what The Albatross says enough. I've been in this situation a few times and used it as a learning curb...to reflect it back on myself. It certainly made me realize a lot about my thinking.

 

[Friday]

Would I tell my friend? Usually, no. Not unless it becomes an issue between us.

Friends & supporters have a bad habit of taking our stuff on themselves... Until they're left feeling like they're walking on eggshells / never knowing which topics are safe, or trying to figure out in advance if they *can* talk about A-Z / blaming themselves for our weird, wide, & varied sets of what sets us off.

By becoming an issue between us, instead of simply my issue:

- If my self control is so shit that I take it out on them? Damn straight, I tell them that this was my fault & I'm sorry / I completely overreacted, & this is not on them at all, this is on me/ I need to learn to manage my triggers & stressors better.

- If it becomes a pattern or habit. A one off thing? Not even a passing concern. I'll be sick for a bit, sort myself out, and make a note that XYZ is something I need to work on. However, if it's something that is going to be very much a topic of conversation for awhile (like new job)? Then, yes. I give them the heads up that I may go a little bit sideways from time to time & that it's not about them / it's about me.

- If I take it out on them the other way, by avoiding them, instead if lashing out at them. If I'm that touchy or edgy I usually need to isolate for awhile to get myself in hand, but for me coming clean that I'm doing so makes coming off isolation easier. Again, though, the trick is not letting either of us blame shift a trigger or stressor that has nothing to do with them onto them. I need to sort myself. Not the other way around! :)

 

[Ronin]

In your shoes? I'd work at getting to a stable place first, worry about disclosing why things are and smooth formulations of it and if even necessary later.

With my own stuff, depends how much I trust & rely on which friends. I tend to inform them only if I see benefit, and/or things they do/say is something we won't come to an agreement on in the current form. Depends what friendship, what particulars, what cost; if telling can gain something for both of us? Yes. If telling can gain something enough for me in a way that won't be loss for them? Yes. If there's no gain? No question.

(Assuming PTSD-style triggers here. I have several things that are trauma related and not the same type of triggers, and how I consider who I tell about these to is an entirely different process altogether, as it's about reactions I usually have a hard time sitting by, chewing on, thinking about. Usually tell people physically close how to avoid the entire area, & do my damnedest at therapy meantime.)

 

[Lucycat]

If you were in my position, would you tell your friend?

Absolutely not!

It is my trigger and my problem. The friend should not be expected to walk on eggshells. He should treat you just as he would anybody else. It is your job, through therapy, to identify and lessen the impact of triggers. I have been in this position - and my friend still has no idea and I would not want her to. PTSD is my problem not hers.

 

[GaslitChick]

I honestly think it depends on the issue.

I have told people to please not discuss.....XYZ in my presence because it sends me into episodes. The thing is that XYZ has nothing directly tied to my trauma. I am just one of those people who is very sensitive to certain topics and I actually feel negative energy in certain objects. These people have agreed to not discuss this certain thing in my presence, or even let these objects near me.

I also ask for the news to be turned off on certain days because I hate to have such negativity thrown down my throat. I am healing from those incidents in my own way.

And then there are the universal topics that I have no problems whatsoever in putting my foot down about and making it vocal. Joking about rape. Joking about the abuse of children.

But, those things are few and far between. For the most part I think that its a good idea that we work through our own triggers. Without knowing the nature of what was said in your email, I am not going to sit here and advise you one way or the other. I think you should do a little self-assessment.

Is this something that will come up in conversation over and over again?
Is this something that you have an extreme reaction to right now? (but that reaction could lessen over time?)

The thing to remember is that normal people make these requests ALL THE TIME! Normal people will excuse themselves from conversations where they feel uncomfortable. Normal people will ask for certain topics to not be discussed.

I know you're healing, but the thing about healing isn't that you must "force" yourself to endure everything. I think the greatest part of healing is learning when to say when, knowing at what point you need to talk to someone else and say "hey, I can't handle this topic" and knowing when you should remove yourself from a situation that is upsetting you. Forcing yourself through everything isn't going to heal you nearly as much as learning where your limits are set and abiding by those limits. That is, for me, personally, I'd like to go out and live the life of a normal person, but stress takes a toll on me, so I must know when it is time to rest. If I pushed myself to be that normal person, my symptoms would spiral out of control and I would end up in a very bad place.

So to make a long story short, take it all on a case by case basis. If this is a good friend, maybe you should reach out to him and let him know that the topic is bothersome to you right now. On the other side of things, what if he continued to write these emails to you and didn't discover until years later that they upset you? I think he'd be questioning why you didn't mention how much they upset you at an earlier time!

Remember, there is no one place we must be in our healing. Take things as they come, and do what you feel is best for you. A good friend will understand. (And a bad friend will purposely re-trigger you.)

 

[Purplemunchkin]

As a supporter I would say please don't. Maybe ping him a brief message saying you're triggered right now and will be in touch again when you can.

I feel like it'd be good to tell him in a non-accusatory way that what he said inadvertently set this all in motion.

If you do this, I don't think it will help you feel better, but no matter how gently you think you put it he will feel guilty. So both of you will suffer.

And unless you do a really good job of explaining he may pull away to avoid doing it again, as he may not understand how or what he has done.

 

[Powder]

I've been here. It's terrible to be triggered in this way. I'm sorry that you or anyone has to go through feeling so fragile that we can be so stung by our only relationships. If you're like me, you're likely thinking about isolating yourself further in pain and trying hard to fight that urge. I'm only 4 years into processing my traumas, and I'm nowhere near finished. So take everything I say as a fellow sufferer and not any further along than you are. I am pretty sure I could be far behind you, as well. Lately, I'm not sure where I am at and wonder if I'll ever believe I know with any certainty of my "progress."

If I were friends with someone I knew suffered from a condition, and I accidentally triggered them, I would want them to care enough about our relationship to kindly clue me in at some point. And I would perhaps see them as being willing to be vulnerable with me by doing so, which is a way of saying they trust me with their actions.

I can't speak for him. Maybe he's an "ignorance is bliss" person. That can be wise, too, as a strategy, for some people.

If I were you, I would perhaps consider asking him this question (would he want to know the trigger areas?) later after processing this through. I might not tell him that he triggered me, but he might guess.

In my perspective, and that's all it is really, what you would be offering him is your willingness to trust him with increased vulnerability. Telling someone precisely where your biggest buttons are that can undo you is, well, risky, is it not? First, you have to be sure you want anyone to have that knowledge. Like I said, I'm struggling through a 20 year relationship, and I am only now getting to the place where I can share my triggers with my spouse. Even so, I am not resting easy with this.

To me, this issue you raised is THE issue of relationships with Severe, Chronic PTSD.

I don't know if some posters can't handle validating you right now because this whole feeling and topic is so sensitive and deeply problematic. I see it as a complex problem because now that someone in my circle of trust has triggered me, Do I want to try to prevent this from happening again by having to become MORE vulnerable --with someone who just triggered me? Part of me runs away screaming, and another part wants to repair the relationship issue NOW. Neither works, desperation nor avoidance.

Processing the trauma needs to happen for me as well as being authentic and sharing my real struggle. If they don't want me as I am, then I can't be a fraud for long anyway.

The mind runs in circles, keeping the trigger going, giving it power, as there is no escape from the potential to be further harmed and triggered.

What has helped me the most is being humble and honest. I am not the "strong" person I pretend to be in front of people. I now see these events as opportunities to be a little more honest about who I am in a way that could be healing or bonding to the other person and to me.

I'm still too new at this to offer advice. So this is just my novice two cents.

The pain is real, the damage done. You can salvage what remains for you in this relationship, but I don't think you can get back the feeling of safety that you once had with this friend, or maybe you can, but it will take energy from both of you.

I wish you the best,

Muse